I have been a heavy user of cocaine, alcoholl, cannabis and smoke all the way through. Have over the time been involved in everything else there is without injections.
Left home at 14 by 17 was drinking daily, taking drugs if it was pills, mdma… by 19 was heavily involved with drugs and started on the deamon by the name of cocaine. All the way untill i was 26 i was hevily in the bliss of using abusing and hevily relying on with minimal comedowns because there was always more!
Now where am i?
who am i?
What do i like?
What is nawmal?
There were so so many questions.
Greif throughout this time had never been thought about delt with let alone everything that happened before. So what do i work on or where do i start?
I was overwhelmed and un able to function. I had got to a stage where even on the drugs i couldnt function and off them i wasnt there atall.
I decided thats it got in the car and went to cornwall for a month over christmass.
I went cold turkey on everything, no smoking no drinking no drugs no coffee. I went for it joined a gym, took my bike and my dogs and left.
By far the hardest thing i have ever done. That month envolved the police with serious anger. Uncontrollable crying followed by depression, about a week in relapsed bought fags and alcoholl sat there drank it all very quicly smoked alot, made myself sick. Then proceeded to take a box of tablets. That night ended with me making multiple attempts on my life and eventually getting sectioned. This went on for probably just under a week. Crying, lashing out, no sleep…
Christmass morning i decided i would get up at 3am (was still awake tbh drifting in and out) i went to the beach, time to live or die. The things i didnt want to do the most i realised there the things that will usally benefit me the most so with my dogs i ran a 10 minute run in swimming trunks down to the water at about 3.30am. Freezing cold was an understatemant and then there was the crazy sea. One of the best things i ever did. It really was on the edge and deffenatley a little stupid but wow cold water shock really works!!!
From there it was only up gym, cycling running daily really was ontop of the world.
The ammount of energy i had!
The ammount of random people i was talking to and having a laugh with!
How clearly i could think!
How anxiety or anything like it just gone!
The last week of that month, i sat it out but all i wanted to do was get home and get on!!!
How stupid, there was my downfall. Back to work but because i was so alive i set up my own company and started my own job.
I lasted no more than a month. It all started getting in a haze. I wasnt over it. I shouldnt have put all of that stress on myself. I had enough to deal with just going back.
I learnt from my previous and at intervalls throughout time i went away and tried to improve on the last, doing similar things but still every time falling back. “One step forwards but straught back into the hole”. I was now at the point that it is time to do it all at home. I bever could have even thought of that before but i was realising even after the initial addiction i had to sustain it in real life.
Cold turkey on it all was so benefitial to show me why i am trying and what i am aiming at but i am lucky to have got to the outher side. Since that one of my trips took me to wales hard on the gym again hard on the exercise but only focusing on stopping the cocaine (this also means alcohol as i have learnt over time they come hand in hand) lets just say i deffenatley had my downs and really had my downs but it was alot more manageable. No police, nothing like the first time.
I have had a real struggle with when not taking drugs being so low, sleeping 18 hours a day multiple times being sectioned and even convincing myself that my own daughter is better off if i am not around and acting on that. I really struggle with being happy. If i feel good or up atall then that is a massive trigger for me, i dont know what to do i need to bring myself back down. Times when i havent used have also ended up with vilance or police…
so here i am at the age of 30 and now with a child in the mix with more drive than ever it is time to do it all at home. One thing at a time, main problem cocaine. Lets solve this, learnt so much over time and constantly taking steps slightly differently. There is no stress nothing i need to do only focus on that one thing. If only that was ever possible but its got to be number one.
This app is one of many things i have on a list to arrange and change today to help the forseable future.
Anyone reading this that could be in a similar situation big things that helped me.
Be honest to yourself and everyone around you
As long as you want to change take steps and make changes and dont loose faith when it shits on you just live and learn its just a step to learn.
For me gym, health, diet has been a great focus to want to be helthy and keep my mind on what i am aiming at.
Rememeber your the issue and only you can change it. Relying on anyone else or blaming them will only haze what needs to be done.
The lower the low the higher the high!
Realise you will loose everyone that matters, there is no getting around that. Remember the addiction is to blame and try to realise it before you do it youself. If its to late then remember if those people are decent when you have proved your worth they will come back…
Would really apreciate outher peoples storys, advice or even please disagree with me. A key for me is to talk discuss and hopefully this post gets enough replys to keep me ingaged with it. Hearing the struggles reminds the lows and that seems to help alot!
Thankyou all for burning your eyes and cheers to the end of a drug induced chapter!!!
Love you all
2 days under the belt! And very head strong!
thankyou for the show of care XXX