Not sure how to properly tag this, but here we go.
I’m 30 and have been smoking weed daily since I was 19. I started to help with a chronic pain issue I have; it quickly spiraled into a way for me to numb myself out to feelings but because it helped my pain, I used that as an excuse. “I can’t stop smoking, it helps me!”
Over the last few years I’m really starting to see the damage it’s doing in my life. I still live with a great deal of improperly managed pain (I am NOT seeking medical advice, I have a team of carers, please do not as that’s a huge trigger - I only mention it because of its relevance) which has continued to be my excuse until now. As much as I don’t want to, I CAN live with a lot of the pain I have. I can manage in other ways and survive. What I can’t live with anymore is the debilitating effects of smoking all day every day. It’s like I have no self control. I can’t just take a quick hit here and there - it’s all or nothing. I’ve tried moderation for years and it didn’t help, it always ends with me smoking 24/7. I’m EXHAUSTED all day and it gets worse when I smoke, I just want to nap - yet I do it to myself. I’ll wake up and start smoking at 6 am. I go to bed with my fucking pen! I get jittery and anxious when I can’t smoke. My chest is starting to hurt, it’s affecting my asthma. So for the past couple months every time I smoke I’m mad, disappointed, upset with myself, yet kept making the excuse of “just one more day” or “just one more hit”. Always “I’ll quit tomorrow.” Even when deciding today was the day, I immediately wanted to go to the dispensary to have a “last hurrah” (I did not.) My subconscious knows I can do better and have been actively choosing not to because it’s the harder thing to do. That’s embarrassing to admit.
In 2019 I managed to stop smoking for 30 days thanks to a local support group - but they followed the twelve step program and were VERY faith heavy which I know works for a ton of people and is wonderful, but as a heathen, that really didn’t work for me. When I left that space I went right back to smoking. I was wishy washy about quitting and then when the pandemic hit that was my full excuse to just give up on myself. As a severely immunocompromised person, my family is still isolated because of covid, and all of the advice people give to start over and get sober somehow involves physically being able to go out and do things and change your environment, and I quite literally cannot do that. So I’m turning here hoping to find some other immunocompromised community going through it too. I’ve felt stuck but that isn’t an excuse. I know I am capable of getting sober and staying sober. I know I need community support to do so and don’t have access to that right now. I know for a fact my brain feels better when I’m not zonked out 24/7. I know my relationships will improve as will my emotional stability. Smoking so much from such a young age has definitely fucked me up, but that doesn’t mean I need to stay that way forever.
TLDR; it’s my first day sober since 2019, I’m anxious but excited to feel better over time, and I’m hoping at least one other person here will understand. I know a lot of people don’t consider weed to be a “serious” issue or something people need help with, but if you’ve been there, you know how incredibly dependent you can become.