I just wanted to lay my problematic drinking all out on the table. Who knows, maybe it will motivate someone and help them start their journey. And maybe being honest will help me heal. So let me start from the beginning:
My drinking became really problematic on March 7, 2020. I know it’s weird to have a specific date because, in it’s nature, alcoholism is progressive and has many phases and shifts. But let me back up a little, because it definitely didn’t start there. In 2017 I fell into a deep depression and tried to drink it away. I would say I drank maybe 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I just didn’t care and would even drive with a cup of wine in my cup holder. Before this, I wouldn’t lable my relationship with alcohol problematic. While I had a few regretable and embarrassment nights of overindulgence (which is a red flag in retrospect), alcohol didn’t control me like it does now. In fact, I rarely drank before this. I could easliy go months, without even thinking about drinking. But 2016/2017 hit me hard and I leaned on it. Then, in October of 2017, I found out I was pregnant. This changed everything for me and I quit drinking completely for the entirety of my prgnancy. It really turned everything around. My mood improved, even with the mood swings, and I felt like I found a way out of the woods. After my child was born, I stayed largely sober for a couple of years. I could probably count on one hand the times I drank those first two years. Then, the pandemic hit in 2020. My husband lost his job and I was a stay-at-home mom, so we had to move in with my mom, her husband and my younger sister. It was miserable there. Her house was filthy and no one made any effort to clean or cook except for me. I found myself struggling to keep up with cooking for 6 people (later 7 when my other sister moved in) and cleaning up after the entire household by myself. On top of all that, I was basically raising my child by myself, as my husband was just in his own world. So I started drinking again. It wasn’t as bad as it was in 2017 at first, but I can definitely see how it was my way of “handling” my stress. After a couple of months, I gave up. I stopped cleaning, stopped cooking and just isolated myself in one area of the house. In comes March 7th, 2020. That day was my 8th anniversary with my (now ex) husband. We booked a fancy hotel for a few days and drank every night while there, but it didn’t stop. For that whole month, every night we went through at least a bottle of wine each. In a way, I guess we convinced ourselves that we were reconnecting, but I think it’s safe to say we were just spiraling together. After that month of binging, he stopped drinking but leaned on other substances. I didn’t stop though and isolated even more than before. I rarely left my room and went through a bottle of wine almost every night. Then one bottle became one and half. Then that become two. Then that became a bottle of vodka. I was gone. I had nothing to give to anyone, let alone myself. Suddenly, I gained 20 pounds after I had previously worked so hard to lose the baby weight. So I spiraled further. Almost every night became every night. Then, after about a year of binging, I got a call. May 4, 2021, my dad suddenly died. I was supposed to visit him the weekend prior, but cancelled because I was hung over. It was too much. I felt guilty and disgusting. I hated myself for cancelling on him. In my depressed mindset, somehow that would have changed everything. Visiting him that weekend would have kept him alive somehow, so it was all my fault. You can imagine how I handled that. With alcohol, of course. I ended up inheriting his house and moved there with my best friend, leaving my husband. Our relationship had been deteriorating for a long time, and I just couldn’t be with him anymore. Still, I brought the drinking with me. I went through a bottle of vodka a night, would wake up between 2pm and 4pm and do it all over again. I wasn’t present with my child. My best friend was parenting for me. I didn’t have a job, hobby, passion…nothing. Eventually, I had a hard look at myslef and decided to try. My child needed me. My friend needed me. I needed me. So starts my on-going 3 year journey to sobriety. Over the past 3 years, I’ve gone through phases, shifts, ups and downs. I still have a lot of work to do. I’ve gone as long as 35 days, but when sh!t hits the fan, I binge and spiral again. Then I pick myself up and try again. For a few months there, I only drank every 4 days. Then it became every 2 days. Currently, every other day, sometimes more. Damn. I’m here again. My child is missing school because I sleep through my alarms and wake up too hung over to drive. I rarely leave my bed. My house is a mess. I rarely bathe. I’ve gained over 50 pounds and have developed new stretch marks. My skin is patchy. I have no energy. Not again. Enough is enough. Today, February 1, 2024, is day one. Again. I took a shower, downloaded this app and cleaned up my living room. The little victories help. Last time I was sober, journaling my daily helped immensely. It wasn’t until I had a huge fight with my sister that I spiraled again. So this time, I need a toolbox, something I haven’t had before. Healthy coping mechanisms to help me navigate this disease. Maybe connecting with this community will help too, something else I haven’t tried before. I feel hopeful, then again, I always do. But for now, I’m going to take it one day at a time. Today is easy, I’m used to taking a day off. Tomorrow will be rough. So will the next day. And the next. But I know I’m not alone and reading others’ stories on this app has put a lot in perspective already. I’ve been extremely private about my habit and maybe opening up to people who understand will help. I’m willing to try and I believe in myself. Thanks for reading.
. It takes a lot to open up and be vulnerable…but you couldn’t be in a better place in doing so. There’s someone about being in the midst of people from all over the world that know “exactly@ what you’re going through. The stories…sad and triumphant as they are…will for sure move you in ways of determination and hope like never before!
