Since my relapse and continued use I spent the past 8 months drowning myself to cope with my problems. People say I’m too hard on myself and some just don’t wanna hear it anymore and I get it. I have been a victim to my own demise from the start. It’s hard to let myself forgive when I haven’t been able to trust myself let alone anyone around me. I drink to feel alive, because without it I feel alone and useless. I overthink my life process, the poor decisions I continue to make at my age, the undying pattern that is self destructive behavior. Suicide attempts, hospital visits, DTs, the never ending emotional slide that has me feeling depressed and lifeless. There’s so much around me to be thankful for and I have continue to throw it all away and relive this nightmare day after day. I’m lost. I’m almost certain my death is creeping in if I continue this path. I am trying now. I want to feel healthy. Searching hard for the only thing I can use to help me hang on and show that I’m worth it. I want a drink. Sometimes the feeling is almost more than I can take and most of the time, I am weak. I wanna feel love for myself. I want to be open and trust people again. I just miss the days when I didn’t need this, although, looking back now I can’t remember the last time I actually felt alive. Must I’ve been about 15yrs ago. Hoping today is different.
People like us really need to stop with this self destruction to stay alive. We don’t have choice. I’m with you. Stay strong. It’s possible to be happy again.
In the beginning it’s always hard, especially when you’re starting from Day 1. I’ve had a few 24 hours under my belt, including a few 30 days, and somehow I just kept going back out. I finally decided to do it 1 second at a time. When the thought flared up to reach for a drink, I would just focus on the next second, and then the next, and so on. Also, instead of picking up a drink, I would pick up the Big Book and read a chapter and before you knew it, I got my mind off of the drink and onto the more important things in my life, like all of the loved ones in my life who would be lost and devastated without me if I were to die. I’m almost at 4 months now and I’m doing better than I’ve ever done before. Good Luck, stay strong and before you pick up a drink, pick up something else, like the phone, or the big book, or a nice cold glass of water instead of the never ending cycle of the drink😊
Come on @Nate_Harbison, you were a real contributor to the forum, wtf happened? You say you haven’t felt alive in 15 years, you were doing a pretty good job of fooling us all at the start of the year then. And what’s stopping you from feeling alive? The booze and everything else’s the sticking plaster that obviously isn’t working! And you’ll never address whatever it is while fucked up.
Got to get real mate, the dt’s stopped me, this path’s going NOWHERE. End the pity party and start living again - everyone here’s behind you, you know that.
Yea I admit I put on the mask and pretended I had all the answers and didn’t allow myself to receive the support I was getting. I started drinking again and here I am, back now, trying to start this whole thing over, the right way. No more bullshit.
You know there’s a way out. It will not come easy. It’s your choice keep “living “ that life of misery or pick your shit up and do the work. Solid advice has been given already. Even some damn honest perspective now decide what you do next. I remember you from my early days but I don’t remember your story so put a recovery plan together! Don’t try abstinence solely. Do the work on the why’s then self loathing can subside.
That’s why I’m back here trying again
Amen my fellow fighter. I hope you save that original post somewhere and read it in a few months AND everytime you have a craving. It pours of pain and self hate. Hard to see past it right now but I see addiction fluently speaking in there.
Sorry for the ppm bs. Really just needed to clear my head. I appreciate everyone’s support.
Well it’s great to have you back here and I personally hope you become as big a personality as you used to be on the forum Nate, you were a strong character that helped a lot of people, and that’s better than staring into the bottom of a glass.
‘If we stare into the abyss for long enough, the abyss will stare back into us’.