Welcome ``Stellar! I’ve been on both sides of the ultimatum. Recieving and giving.
First, my job gave me the ultimatum to go get treatment or leave. I wasn’t sure I was ready and actually considered walking away. I then realized this was a wake up call for me and I needed to take action whether I stayed or left. I went to IOP followed by AA. I ended up leaving that job about a month into sobriety anyway. It was too toxic to stay.
After a year sober, I then gave my alcoholic husband the same ultimatum. He tried and tried but kept failing. I didn’t follow through only because he didn’t give up. It took him another 10 months to finally get sober. But he didn’t get sober for me or our daughter. It finally stuck when he wanted it for himself due to failing health. If he hadn’t been putting in the effort, I would have thrown his ass out.
We can’t make anyone get sober. They have to want it for themselves.
Thanks Lisa, I do want it for myself also because the way I’m going I’ll end up losing him and eventually dead.
I was diagnosed with high cholesterol and triglycerides and slightly raised liver enzymes and since then have continued to drink heavily. I need to stop drinking for my mental and physical health, I literally wake up each day after drinking with a sense of dread trying to remember if I did anything bad the night before and when I do remember bad actions I go into a spiral of anxiety and depression and beating myself up constantly.
I’m glad you and your partner are both sober and doing well. Do you have any tips to get through the early days?
Welcome.
Do it for yourself. If you don’t want it, it won’t happen.
Recognize that moderation doesn’t work for folks like us. Turn down the first drink, and you will be fine.
It’s really hard. Because first off all it’s disease and you need help and support. Here and if you Can fond meetings on line. It’s a life and death matter more than pleasing your partner. I keep on relapsing because alcohol is strong. But I’m 2 days sober I know I Can Do It. I really want to even if less than 5 minutes I felt a little craving. But I have Friends hère who understand. You are my Friend too. And in AA meetings…every day I’m learning a lot more about myself and now I’m choosing to heal really hoping I’ll find all the help I Can.
Wishing you the best and If you need to talk dm or write everyday or every hour
Sounds like you’re definitely ready for this journey and you picked a great place to start, here on the forum. We can’t do this alone but we can together. My early days were packed. I was working a full 8 hr day followed by a 3 hr intensive outpatient program. Immerse yourself into recovery and your hard work will pay off. Here’s a link for resources to get you started. Resources for our recovery
Coincidentally I just shared what helped me so far in another thread:
The first two steps are critical though. Doing it for yourself, because YOU want it. Not because your partner wants it. And realizing that moderation is not an option.
We’re here to share and support your sober journey
Thank you. Appreciate your message. I think with the nature of alcohol addiction it tries to trick us into forgetting the really bad things that have happened due to drink. I need them to be fresh in my mind going forward this time as painful as they are to think about.
Thank you so much. I think I will focus on health and fitness and taking care of my body how I should have been when abusing it with alcohol. Trying to improve my performance at work, improving my relationship and staying on track with studies along with smart meetings and posting on here.
Thank you I want to regain my confidence and health, feel genuinely happy again as I haven’t for a long time. I don’t want to lose everything because I can’t control myself around drink, it will be a pretty sad story for me if I continue this way.
My partner means alot to me but my sanity and physical health are driving factors too.
Wow that post sounds exactly like me. Thank you for sharing. I do really want to change, I’ve been miserable, overweight, physically ill, unable to exercise as always hungover, struggling keeping on top of work and uni. Hardly any sleep or sleeping off hangovers to late in the day ruining my weekend. I can hardly bare to look at myself in the mirror I’m so bloated and overweight from the drink.
My diet is okay could be improved of course but I’d be fooling myself to say my physical state hasn’t been caused by drink.
Everytime I hurt one of my loved ones I feel like I hurt myself twice as hard feel like a human piece of trash for having no control over myself.
It’s time for me to really make this change for me right now.
I know the early days are very difficult, what with the body and mind adjusting to functioning without alcohol. But trust me, you will be so happy you took this first step. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for my sobriety, even on days when things are tough. I hit the pillow knowing I was fully there for whatever came my way and did my best. Even if things don’t work out, I’m at peace with myself.
One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. You can do it
Just had a full breakdown in the car. Realising that damage I’ve done to myself and others makes me feel truly ashamed. Poured all the beer in the house down the sink.
Gonna be honest, In my experience, an ultimatum basically means the detachment process has already begun and it is a way to leave a relationship by saying “you did this, not me” or simply, “I’m not the bad guy here”. Because of that, relationships, where I have seen an ultimatum placed, have almost always ended shortly after. It is not to say they always end this way, there is hope. If you really want to save your relationship, you need to fight like hell, and you need to start today! But more importantly, do it for you, do it to be the best version of you possible, the version you deserve to be.
I never got an ultimatum but my grandpa did and he quit that way, at least the way it was told to me. Alcoholism is definitely in my family and many have overcome it but it’s also claimed some. My grandpas brother died of liver failure.
5 days ago today I gave myself an ultimatum. I had quit alcohol for periods of time before, several times I went a year without drinking but I wasn’t really interested in sobriety. I had people try to tell me I drank out of stress, so I addressed my stress. Last week I walked into a bar at lunch with some work colleagues and proceeded to drink for 8 hours and somehow I drove home that evening. I don’t remember all that happened. But I woke up the next day and realized that was my last miracle I used up and I either needed to make a change or throw away my entire life. It has to be your choice. It was the first time I really admitted I needed help and I had a problem and I wanted freedom. I found a recovery group at my church I’m going to attend next week, I would go this week but I have COVID thanks to my night out most likely.
It’s just one step at a time I live my days right now one decision at a time. If you can do that it’s so much less daunting. Celebrate small victories! I’m 5 days sober and I’m so excited for that, I can tell people I don’t drink anymore because for 5 days I haven’t! Hopefully by the time I’m well again I’ll be at 10 days maybe more! I made this choice for me because I refuse to lose my wife and kids to something that’s been responsible for the worst moments of my life. I was a lot like you described I was a different person on alcohol, a person I really am not at all and I don’t want to be that person anymore! I look back and there were a few fun moments with alcohol but most of them were dark and dreary moments for me. Sorry for the novel but I’m praying for strength for you and peace!
Thanks for your post and I’m sure it is very worrying to think what could have been after driving home that day. Glad nothing serious happened.
I do want this for me, obviously I want my partner in my life and I dont want to lose him to alcohol so that is part of it but I know how things will go for me if I don’t sort this problem. Even if my partner was not in the picture I would just end up burning other bridges with people or them avoiding me and detaching because they don’t want to be around my behaviour with drink. Or don’t want random messages and phonecalls at 2am not making sense or having a breakdown of some kind. Eventually I would end up losing my job probably failing my degree, health also ruined. Likely dead or seriously ill and nobody in my life. So yeah throwing everything away for something that isn’t even making me happy. The only one who can stop this is me.
I’ve also been thinking that I’ve had a bad relationship with alcohol since long before my partner was even in the picture it just escalated further recently. It has never really done me any good since I started, sure there were some fun nights out mainly years ago but the impact on my mental health to the not fun nights and my bad or embarassing behaviour was far more impactful. I haven’t felt truly happy or confident in such a long time but then I guess constantly ingesting a depressant will do that (who knew lol).
I also have alcoholism in my family and I don’t want to keep the cycle relating itself constantly.
You sound really ready to accept this new path and way of living. There is a difference between “knowing” and accepting. And you are correct to be thinking about the “YETS” as continued alcohol abuse will lead to worse and worse consequences.
One thing that surprised me, but I had heard it before from countless people with long term sobriety to had a program or routine to support their recovery, not just white knuckling it, is how amazing sober life is. It’s like going from black/white to technicolor (think Wizard of Oz).
I hope you stick around and join us in a great way of living and getting the most out of our lives here on Earth.
“Even if my partner was not in the picture I would just end up burning other bridges with people or them avoiding me and detaching because they don’t want to be around my behaviour with drink.“
Good insight. I had to learn the hard way the problem was me. Everyone and everything was collateral damage from my alcoholism. Once I focused on the problem I was able to have and maintain successful relationships.
Glad you’re ready to make a change! One day at a time, the best thing I’ve found is when I live one day at a time I treat everyday as an exciting day. It can be easy to want to rush to the next day and have more days sober, but we can’t control the clock. Everyday is a unique blessing in itself. This is day number 6 for me and although I’m looking forward to one week, I can’t get there without living day number 6 to the fullest!
I want to regain my confidence and health, feel genuinely happy again as I haven’t for a long time. I don’t want to lose everything because I can’t control myself around drink, it will be a pretty sad story for me if I continue this way.