Goodness, do I hear much of my own story in your words! I have been in such a similar place and the feelings and memories just come flooding. I’m so proud of you for coming here to share and get the words out, 20 days is a fantastic beginning, and it sounds like you’ve wrapped your mind around your situation and how you want to proceed. This was pivotal right here:
Such an important realization. Recovery is a personal journey. If we try to do it for others and not ourselves things become unsustainable quickly, resentments come easier, like you described, and the focus is misaligned in terms of where our attention needs to be - which is our own self improvement and development. Staying sober is just the beginning, but unlearning old behaviors and thought processes and learning new ways to cope, communicate and engage in our lives is where recovery really happens. It is nigh impossible to do alone, so your coming here to share and read about others and hopefully continue to engage will only be of benefit. So glad you found us! I hope you stick around and best wishes on your continued sobriety and recovery/discovery.
There are so many great threads here, but I thought I’d link to a few in case you haven’t seen them yet:
Lots of folks find it helpful to check in briefly (or sometimes extensively) each day. Here’s a thread where people do so together, whereas others sometimes create their own threads to add thoughts or seek support. Checking in daily to maintain focus #51
Oh wow!! I remember and recognize all those mental gymnastics and anguish over trying to crack the ‘how can I drink in moderation or special occasions’ code. It is exhausting trying to figure it out. Because as you realized, some of us just cannot.
And congratulations on your 20 days…they do add up when we allow them to. And that pride we feel, that freedom, it is real and feeds our resolve and soul.
Welcome to the show Kitty. This has been my favorite show for 3 years now. Like you I secretly looked for an app to help me with my drinking problem. I figured they got an app for everything else right? I also hid it from my wife for about a week or ten days. Then I came clean. I told her what I was doing. And how I was tired of planning every waking minute around my/our next drink. She still drinks. It was a great talk and she supports me.
I spend about as much time on here as I use to spend drinking. Which means I’m on here a lot.
Thinking about quitting drinking forever scares the hell out of me. Even still. But I don’t think about not drinking forever anymore. I just think “I’m not drinking today. And I’m probably not drinking tomorrow.” ODAAT. One day at a time.
I see Rosa hopped on to give you lots of great threads to check out.
My favorite thread and strongest tool is Gratitude. When I’m sober I got so much to be grateful for. I bet you do too. My friend who has over 20 years sober told me he still writes a gratitude list every morning. I wanted what he had. So I start my day right here.
And it works for me.
Grate bunch of people on this thread.
When I’m drinking. I got nothing! Well I had shame and guilt and a bunch of those other fuckers. Some wise person on here said you got to spend as much or more time on your sobriety as you did drinking.
Have a good read around. Keep an open mind. Don’t look to the future. When I first started On here I was intimidated by people that had years of sobriety. Thinking I’ll never get where they are. But this is not a contest. Just learn from everyone. ASK FOR HELP. And by all means understand that we are totally powerless over alcohol. If I have one drink. All bets are off.
Congratulations on your 20 ODAATs
We’re here for ya. The lights are always one.
The big question is. How many cats do you have
We have a daily 4 cat habit over here.
One of the great things about this place is we can connect in so many ways. Cat thread. Pet thread. Nature thread. Sunsets. Foodies thread. And the serious business of staying sober.
If I’m spending too much time on here at least I know I am not drinking.
I think they can tell the difference since I been sober. They spend way more time with me. Or perhaps I just didn’t notice and I appreciate their love and affection more. They are no longer a chore in the morning. It’s a pleasure to wake up every morning and I “get to.” Feed them all and take them out. I’ve Always been a pet person but the sober love I have for them now is some next level shit.
Oh wow, Kitty! Welcome to TS! You definitely have found a great support group here. So many have been where you were at 30 days ago, myself including. Honesty and acceptance after struggling in that viscous cycle for 10 years allowed me to get to where I am today. No need to be on the sober journey alone. Welcome!
That is the first big, critical step in this journey
That is the second
As Rosa, I read your words and it brings me to 10 months ago, when I was in the exact. same. cycle. Every time I caved and had “just a couple of drinks” it got worse and worse and days were erased from my life - days when I should have been with my family, my kids, my friends, at work, enjoying a peaceful holiday…gone. Not only did I realize I was missing out by shutting down with alcohol, but also noticed that my health was suffering more and more. From the outside, I was the picture of health, athlete and all, was the accomplished professional, mom and wife. From up close (and my husband saw it maybe 30% of how bad it was), I was falling apart. I felt hollow, weightless (not in a good way), and that my body was deteriorating fast. Too fast.
My withdrawals were worse and worse when I tried to stop. Until the night when I tried to stop and it was so bad, my heart seemed like it was going to explode, my hands and legs cramped up, my abdomen hurt, dry heaving, blood pressure up the roof. I cried and cried to my husband and said I just wanted to be alive next morning to hug my kids. I was terrified.
I don’t want to ever go back to that dark, hollow place.
Here are some of my main tools in recovery that helped:
This forum - I read and read in the beginning, until I felt comfortable writing back. Any time the cravings hit, I was here.
I had a mantra in the early days. “For me one is three and three is ten. I never want “one” drink”. That kept me from reaching for the first.
I had a list of what drinks bring into my life that is positive (nothing) and negative (a long list). It started with a list I saw from @HoofHearted a long time ago, that really stuck with me.
I started working out first thing in the morning again. The early wake up time helped me hit the pillow sober many, many troubled times.
I started writing my daily gratitude here, in the link shared by @Dazercat. It brought me so much reflection and filled my heart with positive thoughts in good and bad days.
I listened to recovery audiobooks. This Naked Mind was probably one of the most impactful. I was listening to audiobooks often on my way to and from work. It helped change my perception of what alcohol really is and does. Other books: A Girls Walks Out of a Bar, The Easy Way to Control Alcohol (same idea of The Naked Mind, reinforced it for me). Podcast: Huberman Lab What Alcohol Does to your Body, Brain and Health ep 86
I struggle with the concept of not ever drinking again, as many of us do. So for me I choose not to drink today. And that is enough.
Very happy you joined us. This community has made all the difference for me. I tried so many times, over many years to stop by myself, and just could not do it. I needed a support group that understood what I’m going through and in-person meetings are not an option where I live. I’m incredibly grateful for this forum.
@desert_rose wow this had me tearing up, thank you so much for the inspiration and support I would love to try the audio books. Love all the tips as well. Will be coming back to this thread regularly.
I can relate to you. Especially the part about confrontation and not being able to use your voice. I do the same thing. What I’ve learned, for me, is that it boils down to self esteem. Having low self esteem is basically the main reason I drink. But no more. I’m working on my self esteem and quitting drinking really helps.
This is interesting to me. Maybe something I should explore more? I’ve always thought of myself as a confident person, and I’ve always been told I come off that way as well, but I think that’s only because I’m physically comfortable in my skin (I’m a bigger girl lol). But maybe it’s a deeper subconscious low self esteem. My mom and husband tell me I’m too hard on myself when it comes to well… just life. I don’t take failure easy, and I think that’s kind of where the root of this started (I failed out of nursing school in my early 20’s, and ended up in the hospital with Mono for 10 days.) I really only feel that I’m worth what my accomplishments are. I think I measure my self worth by my success in life and even worse, my success in comparison to others. It’s weird that writing this kind of stuff out gives me a lot of clarity. But for starters, Im going to start practicing being kinder to myself and more aware of the negative voice that needs shushing. Good insight @Karci!
powerless over alcohol. If I have one drink. All bets are off.
and one golden retriever so it feels like a small farm over here lol 
