That is the first big, critical step in this journey 
That is the second
As Rosa, I read your words and it brings me to 10 months ago, when I was in the exact. same. cycle. Every time I caved and had “just a couple of drinks” it got worse and worse and days were erased from my life - days when I should have been with my family, my kids, my friends, at work, enjoying a peaceful holiday…gone. Not only did I realize I was missing out by shutting down with alcohol, but also noticed that my health was suffering more and more. From the outside, I was the picture of health, athlete and all, was the accomplished professional, mom and wife. From up close (and my husband saw it maybe 30% of how bad it was), I was falling apart. I felt hollow, weightless (not in a good way), and that my body was deteriorating fast. Too fast.
My withdrawals were worse and worse when I tried to stop. Until the night when I tried to stop and it was so bad, my heart seemed like it was going to explode, my hands and legs cramped up, my abdomen hurt, dry heaving, blood pressure up the roof. I cried and cried to my husband and said I just wanted to be alive next morning to hug my kids. I was terrified.
I don’t want to ever go back to that dark, hollow place.
Here are some of my main tools in recovery that helped:
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This forum - I read and read in the beginning, until I felt comfortable writing back. Any time the cravings hit, I was here.
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I had a mantra in the early days. “For me one is three and three is ten. I never want “one” drink”. That kept me from reaching for the first.
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I had a list of what drinks bring into my life that is positive (nothing) and negative (a long list). It started with a list I saw from @HoofHearted a long time ago, that really stuck with me.
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I started working out first thing in the morning again. The early wake up time helped me hit the pillow sober many, many troubled times.
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I started writing my daily gratitude here, in the link shared by @Dazercat. It brought me so much reflection and filled my heart with positive thoughts in good and bad days.
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I listened to recovery audiobooks. This Naked Mind was probably one of the most impactful. I was listening to audiobooks often on my way to and from work. It helped change my perception of what alcohol really is and does. Other books: A Girls Walks Out of a Bar, The Easy Way to Control Alcohol (same idea of The Naked Mind, reinforced it for me). Podcast: Huberman Lab What Alcohol Does to your Body, Brain and Health ep 86
- I struggle with the concept of not ever drinking again, as many of us do. So for me I choose not to drink today. And that is enough.
Very happy you joined us. This community has made all the difference for me. I tried so many times, over many years to stop by myself, and just could not do it. I needed a support group that understood what I’m going through and in-person meetings are not an option where I live. I’m incredibly grateful for this forum.
We’re here for you