I’ve tried to quit before now. It was hard, very hard. I was quit for 3 months and then went straight back to all my bad habits. Even though I felt better sober, more clear-headed, relationships improving, health improving.. I still went back to alcohol (knowing full well that I was destroying everything I had worked for. Now, I’m trying again, but I don’t have as much faith in myself anymore. I tell myself I’m going to do something, but somehow I end up doing the opposite of what I deep down want to do. Grrrr.. I hate how I am. I’ve damaged my relationship with my spouse (who is also a drinker). My daughter has expressed her concern about our drinking. I don’t think she feels safe anymore, and that is probably my #1 reason for wanting to quit. I love her more than alcohol. I HAVE to do this.. for her. I had a blackout drunk Saturday. I was told by my husband that I turned into a different person. Apparently, I was yelling obscenities, and very angry and no one knew why. I don’t even know why. I woke up the next day to burning in the palm of my right hand, my good hand. I have second degree burns all across my palm and around the sides of that hand. Thankfully, my daughter was at her dad’s house this weekend. But how do I explain that I burned my hand to her? They say honesty is the best policy, but is it in this case? I’m feeling ashamed, depressed, guilty, broken… really broken… so broken I don’t know if I can be “fixed”. How do I do this? It didn’t work before, so I’m not having much faith that it’s gonna work this time, either. I appreciate any advice or help that I can get.
What help are you seeking out in the real world?
I’m in the same boat as you I literally hate who I am when I drink..and the next day hearing the dreaded words “do you remember what you did last night” and not in a good way either..and I also want to do it for my relationship it’s not fair on him at all. I’ve read quite a bit that podcasts help when you get the cravings just to hear someone in the same situation.
What help, besides listening to a podcast which can be good for perspective, are you getting for your addiction?
I’m on some medication aswell I’m hoping to join some sort of group at some point but I’m just tryna process the whole idea of it atm
I’ve talked with my family doctor and also a therapist, though not on a regular basis with the therapist. I didn’t exactly agree with what he was saying.. my bad. I have a problem with impulse control in general. My doctor has prescribed vyvanse for me (off-label purpose) to help with my food and alcohol addiction. I am doing better with the food. At first it seemed like it was working to help with the alcohol intake as well. I was moderating fairy well for a couple of weeks, but now it’s not working for that. I just crash in the evenings. I don’t think the medicine goes well with alcohol. It seems to be a very bad combination. Ugh. My husband thinks he can help me, be my therapist. But I don’t know how an alcoholic can help me.. at least not the kind that realizes we both have problems with it.
I get you.. I totally do. I cried all day yesterday, saying I’m sorry about a hundred times. The worst part is not even remembering. You just have to trust that whatever they are saying about you is true.
Yeah that’s exactly what it is. I know I shouldn’t but it’s got to the point where he’s just given up I think which makes me not want to drink but I feel so down I do it’s just a vicious circle. The food was big point for me aswell one of the times I tried to stop but on that one I can say push through with it it does start getting easier just retraining our body to accept food.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. Misery loves company, I guess…right? LOL. But for real, it does help to talk with others in a similar situation. I feel alone in this, but not quite as alone as before. Thanks again.
One thing this TS community has done for me is to help me realize I’m not alone in all of my fears, regrets, and hopes. But the other thing it has done is actually push me to do things differently. I knew for years that my drinking was unhealthy, hurting me, embarrassing me and I still didn’t want to stop because I was afraid of what “never drinking again” meant.
But. It had to happen. There was no other way out. There was no other way to be sure I could remember what I did the night before. There was no other way for me to stop hurting myself. I became less afraid of admitting things needed to change than I was of being that drunk idiot for the rest of my life.
I’m still pretty new in my sobriety, but I am commenting here to tell both of you: it is worth it to try. It is worth it to change. You’re here and that is a huge first step–this is a great place to get support because every single person has been where you are and is rooting for you. We can all hit the pillow sober tonight. 
@Kjcj that is gona be one of my motivations right there gona keep saying I wana hit the pillow sober today..love that! 
Yes!!! Good for you. Just take it 5 minutes at a time if you have to! You can do this. 
I’m sure this community will be a driving force in my life, and I am so thankful that I found this place today. I am also afraid of what “never drinking again” means, but I’ve got to make this change. That’s how I feel… like my life depends on it kind of thing.
Please don’t judge, but I am a preacher’s wife with a severe problem here. There is literally no one that I can talk to outside of this community. Talking to my husband doesn’t help. He thinks somewhere in the middle is where it’s at (moderation). But somehow, I just can’t moderate. I don’t know how. I can’t talk to anyone at church about it. That would likely not end well, and as crazy as it sounds, we have a good ministry there. I can’t talk to my “friends” at work, either. The gossip mill turns quickly. I do feel alone. But being here is making today tolerable. Thank you so much for your comment.
I am in no place to judge–I worked really hard to hide my drinking too, and have told very very very few people how bad it got. And when I’d crack (true) jokes about having a drinking problem, no one ever heard that I was telling them the truth. It’s lonely and it’s scary. I am so glad you’ve taken this first step.
Hiding the drinking has felt like in my head… I’m a hypocrite. I’m a liar. I’m two-faced. You name it, I’ve said it about myself. I’ve cracked jokes, too. My hubby likes to tell the waiter at the Mexican restaurant that I’m a lush (jokingly, but he was serious). They laugh, I laugh, we all laugh.. at least on the outside. But I feel so ashamed inside. Thank you for sharing.
Oh gosh, that is so so relatable. Except I was the one making the jokes to the waiter about myself. I wonder, looking back, if I was waiting/hoping someone would call me out and take me seriously and “make” me change. But of course…I had to call myself out. And I had to actually do things differently. Which feels so unfair!! It shouldn’t be hard!! There should be a magic sobriety wand! But nooooooooo we actually have to fight our way to sobriety. So annoying 
There are people on this app 24/7 that you can connect with. I really like the Checking in daily to maintain focus #83 thread. When I feel a craving I check in there. It helps a lot.
Thanks! I’m gonna check that out! The whole thing definitely feels unfair. I think to myself.. I never intended to become this other person, this horrible thing I’ve convinced myself I am. But we have to very intentionally try to dig our way out. It won’t happen by accident.
And there’s part of me that gets angrier with hubby when I’m trying to be sober, not that he’d really doing anything to me, just drinking. I feel jealous of him.. like why can’t I just drink and not fall to pieces? And it’s not his fault I feel this way, and I don’t think I could tell him how I feel. I don’t want to hurt him any more than I already have.