So it’s day 20 for me and I’m learning how to be myself without relying on alcohol. Since I was a kid I’ve always known to be very shy or more of an introvert, honestly pretty awkward. I didn’t have many friends as a kid. I was never very outgoing but once I felt comfortable enough around someone, like a close friend, It was a whole different side. I wasn’t so quiet, I was pretty fun and goofy, talkative.
This is just one of many things I reflect on now that I’m sober. I’m rediscovering that girl, that introvert. Since I was a teenager, when I began using drugs and alcohol, I used it as a way to relax, to feel confident, that liquid courage to just not care of what people would think and was not so much of an introvert.
Up until now I’ve been known to be that bubbly, not shy extrovert that can be put in any situation and make friends by the dozen, but I always had at least a drink or two in me before any social gathering. I would definitely leave the house with at least downing one glass of wine. Yesterday was the first social outing with coworkers since the pandemic started, and also me being sober in a social setting with not very many close friends. I had the worst anxiety, I was that girl once again. I made minimal small talk and mostly kept to myself and my two boys. This was a identity crisis sort of feeling because I saw my true self once again that I hadn’t seen in over a decade.
So that is what I am currently struggling with, one of many things. I’m trying not to say I hate that side of myself because that’s who I am and I’m learning self-love. I need to accept who I really am without the booze. It is like a breath of fresh air but it’s also very scary. I have been hiding and keeping my true self from myself and others. I’m just meeting her again, so will everyone else.
Anyone else gone through this?