Your 30s is when you start really gaining perspective on your childhood. It happened both to me and to my wife, and shook us both up quite a bit. We communicated, sought counselling, spoke with friends, and it’s made us stronger. But it has required us to significantly re-evaluate ourselves and realize that it wasn’t as simple as we imagined back then.
You’ve been through relentless physical and emotional abuse. That is not normal. You survived by existing in survival mode. Survival mode is about having some food and somewhere to sleep (which can be escaping to a hotel at times). It is about basic physical needs.
Survival is about limiting vulnerability, which makes intimacy difficult. I don’t mean sexual intimacy, though that is a part of it; I mean emotional and relational intimacy. (Edit to add: human connection. We need human connection. We need to not be alone.)
Recovery is a process of learning to be intimate. Learning to have relationships of healthy exposure and understanding: first with yourself (exposing, seeing, accepting yourself; that is a vulnerable process), then, if you choose to, with others.
You are entering a new chapter of your life, where you will become intimate with yourself. The pain and abuse you have been numbing will come up. You will have to face it. You may feel afraid; that’s ok. Take it one day at a time and look for support. You need support. You can find it online, you can find it in groups & communities (Resources for our recovery), you can find it in other healthy environments. But you do need it. You cannot put up a tough face and tough this one out. It doesn’t work that way; you’ll have to build a support network of sober contacts who can help you walk this path.
You’re a good person and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full self. 