I drank the equivalent of a 6 pack per day give or take for 7 years. Prior to that, I smoked about 1/4 oz of weed per pay period for about 5 years. I drank some during that time, but not significantly. It feels like a hollow victory, because I have been using cannabis, mostly in fed legal hemp form, for a year and three months of the nearly year and a half I’ve been without alcohol. I preface with that, because it feels like a hollow win at times.
The reason behind the alcohol is as complex as any of your stories, filled with various traumas and such, but I’m really going to focus on the past year and a half. I quit alcohol in the early evening on a Friday, after already having drank a 5 pack or so. I just made the decision, and stuck with it. The first two weeks were hardest, just breaking the habit, but in all honesty, it wasn’t that difficult for me, it was way easier than I was expecting. Some rough nights, a bit of agitation but it wasn’t awful. I initially planned on going a month, because the longest I’d gone in the 7 years prior was 3 weeks. I made it there, then I decided on 6 months. While on that 6 month journey, I found out my sister’s wedding was exactly my one year sober date. So there became the new goal. I was unable to use any hemp or cannabis products at my previous job, so I wanted to check out cbd. Well, delta 8 was relatively new to the scene and I tried that instead, and then began an adhd hyperfixation on alternate cannabinoids which peaked at high THCa flower which is basically just weed, harvested a bit early for compliance sake. It’s a loophole, but it works. My wife has been tolerant of my cannabis use, because of some events that have happened this past year and also because if nothing else, it’s probably helped me stay away from the beer store. It’s been as expensive as drinking if not more so, and I’m not going to sit here and pretend it’s the wonder drug that cures alcoholism, I’m very aware it is just a replacement. That said, it does function differently, and in many ways I feel it has helped me explore my own mental health and get to the bottom of some of my traumas. I have no intention of using it in perpetuity, but I’m not sure when it’s time to quit. I have been suffering from PTSD and the effects of that since Nov 12, as my dad and I were witnesses to the B-17 crash in Dallas. I’d never experienced anything like that, and pray I never will again. It consumed me for three months, I finally have been able to step away from it somewhat but there are constantly triggers. I started a support group for witnesses and anyone affected by the incident, and it has grown to over 700 people. Administrating that group basically forced me to relive the trauma constantly. It has been incredibly healing for many people, including myself, but I got way closer to it than I had to. I had no ties to anyone affiliated with either airplane before that day, but now I am kind of a part of the larger warbird community, and for that I am grateful, because it has allowed me to reconnect with the kid I was before the other traumas began. I don’t know if I did the right thing for myself making the group, but knowing it has helped others has been therapeutic. I have started drawing again, which I hadn’t done regularly since I was in school, here’s one of a P-51. I have reconnected with my Great Uncle and his history, he flew a P-51 for the 8th Air Force under Maj. Robin Olds. There has been a lot of good things that have come from witnessing the crash, and I know my eyes were supposed to see it, as odd as that sounds. It forced me to dig deep into my mental health, and get into therapy. EMDR has been immensely beneficial and I can’t recommend it enough for those with traumatic pasts. This post is starting to ramble a bit, just like my thoughts without alcohol or nicotine, haha. Once I learned about my Great Uncle, I was compelled to learn about my paternal grandfather who passed before I was born, who drove a tank in WWII. Learning about him has helped me understand my dad more than ever, and the crash has brought us closer than we’ve been in years. Then I get a call from a relative I haven’t talked to in years Saturday, dad has been Care-Flighted to the hospital, unable to breathe. Trigger panic mode, thinking I’m going to lose my dad. By the grace of God he is ok, he is going to have to have a valve replaced but they can do it minimally invasive, so that’s about as good a news as we could hope for.
The past year had some of the most amazing times I’ve had as an adult, as well as the very worst I’ve experienced in my time here. Okay, I just had the app close and I thought I lost all this so I’m going to post it now.
