Day one again after doing so good. I let my mind wander and take me to that place again… i have taken one hit and now feel terrible again… the drugs are out of the house already and am regretting my decision. Please pray for me to not use anymore. I keep trying one more time… luckily i didnt get that high… I need to learn to replace using with something productive that i enjoy doing. Maybe reading some quit lit or some podcasts… I really need a friend to talk with right now
7 Likes
I would suggest an AA meeting. Not only will you find friends but you will find friends who actually understand where you’re at because they’ve been there themselves. Even more importantly they know the path to sobriety if you’re willing to listen
5 Likes
My mother is a recovered addict of the same drug for 20+ years. She knows i have messed up recently but not this recent. She thinks ive been clean for about a month. Ive been making progress. I had been using almost daily for 3 months but now its relapsing once every 1-2 weeks. Ill be able to stop if I really want it. I know my family dosent want to see me turn into a scabbed up druggie. Its the mental illness called addiction. Replacement is necessary if im going to live a clean life.
I just taken a shower and now feel a bit better and worse at the same time… Better that my mind is not racing and heart beating out of my chest. Also feeling really bad that I had let myself slip up again… Heres a little back story to my life I havent shared online before maybe someone can relate… My whole life from what I can remember my family has had a drug problem(Not today because my direct family has grown up and beaten addiction after lots of rock bottoms… My grandmother sold crank in the 1980s and was the supplier for pretty much everyone in my area… My mother grew into that lifestyle and so did my uncle… They had both sold drugs for much of their adult life until about 10 years ago… I had witnessed many strung out people coming in and out of my house and garage… I grown to hate drugs my whole life. My mother got clean in 2016 and uncle about 7 years before that. Mom had a really hard time just like I am right now… Many times thought she was going to quit and didnt. Uncle had help getting clean with his mother(grandmother) because it was so tough… I had found my moms drugs and pipes many times and had just left them alone and didnt think to use them… I was a teenager doing good l just smoking a little weed from time to time maybe having a drink or two. Fast forward to today(3 almost 4 months ago). Something in my head just said fuck it lets try Crystal Meth just once or twice to see what its all about. I never listened to them telling me never to try it because id get hooked and like it… They are right. I should have fucking listened my whole life while i was watching people around me fuck up losing everything they have including their kids and their minds.
Thanks for sharing your story. It is tough to break out of a generational cycle. There are online meetings going on all the time where you can share and feel less alone.
4 Likes
Yeah. I still have some morals left about not using since i feel bad about it still… That must mean something. I had only taken a few hits off of a small piece then not an hour later the pipe was smahsed and drugs flushed… Unlike last time i had relapsed for 2 days before getting rid of the stuff trying to convince myself i can be a closet user and hide it… Thats not how it works and we all know it. It spirals out of control from there
Famous last words of every person ever who has tried to stop. If it were that easy you would have already done it. I get it though. I lived in that denial for a looooong time myself.
What I found is that it wasn’t a matter of wanting it, I had to buckle down and actually do the work. I hope you find the willingness to do the same!
5 Likes
I have alot to lose if i keep using though. I have a good job and a loving family. Your right. I cant just want it. I need to put in the work to stay on track. Little slip ups are big mess ups and can’t be tolerated. My mind is fine when im working but when my days off come up every week. Im on the struggle bus trying to keep my mind elsewhere and occupied.
1 Like
This JUST happened to me as well… about 1hr ago. 9 days 18 hrs. Big huge hugs! We’re one step closer 
1 Like
You’ve gotten many good suggestions. Hope you decide to follow them. I once had a lot to lose too but that didn’t get me sober. I then lost those things (friendships, house, car, job, relationships) before finally deciding I was ready.
3 Likes
All of my meetings are currently online. There are ultimate varieties available where each and every person may find their “home.”
Thanks for bringing it up on this thread!
2 Likes
Can i get a prayer to get through this for the last time? I will stay dedicated not just for myself but for my family and everyone else
Hey Matt, thank you for posting, Matt. I think it’s brave you came here and shared. So good you threw out the pipe right away and are getting back up in the saddle. Changing, what didn’t work in the past into something, I hadn’t tried yet to stay sober made all the difference for me. Having a plan in place for when the critical moments come, will help. Checkin in with someone before picking up, will as well. My prayer won’t be much of a use, I think (atheist here), but I am rooting for you. You are here. You are willing. You’ve got this one day at a time 
1 Like
Thank you. Im just relaxing in bed thinking what I had done wrong this time…
It’s simple. You thought you had control over your addiction. We all do. Until we don’t anymore. Keep moving forward, friend.
1 Like
I had told my mother about this time. She is very disappointed in me again because i had promised i would stop… She says she would help me stay clean now… I have to work for this as she cant be there for me 24/7 and wont be here in this world forever… Made me see a different perspective when I seen her almost cry that I had told her about this… Parents are never supposed to bury their kids.
1 Like
Glad you told her, addiction florish by secrets. I’m addicted to alcohol and a mom of 3 adult children myself. As a mom I can say I better have this addiction myself then one of my children. It will be so hard to watch one of my children go trough all that. I hope you can change your life for the better, you are the only one who can do it. You have to really want it, your mom can’t do this for you despite all her love for you.
1 Like
Sorry to hear this. It’s all down to you now it’s your life you choose to live it how you want. It’s like me with alcohol that alcohol can’t do anything while it’s sat on that shelf it’s powerless but it’s MY CHOICE to go and drink it. it’s down to ME regardless of the past. It’s a choice it’s your choice you chose to do it nobody else. You need to re program your brain.
1 Like
AS suggested there are places were you can go get help i can say a prayer if that helps but prayers never got me sober action did , wish you well
1 Like