I’ve been to rehab twice now, but have been drinking the past 3 years. It kinda seemed like I had things under control but lately I’m realizing it’s affecting my brain, productivity, relationships and career. I woke up at 4:30 am with typical withdrawal, which has been happening alot. I had to start sleeping with a beer or wine on the bed end just to get through a night of sleep. Anyway this morning I decided I’ve had enough. I can’t go back to rehab because is just too much money so here I am again and on my own. Today was terrible, I couldn’t get anything down and the withdrawal was unbearable. I so wanted to get 24 hours but couldn’t make it 12. At 2:30 I had to have a beer with my lunch and a mini single wine around 4. I feel better but know I can’t keep away the withdrawal without some degree of consumption. I’m basically a totally addicted maintenance drinker. It starts usually in the morning. I won’t be drunk today for the first time in who knows when, but I know I’m not got be able to sleep and the withdrawal will be back. I guess I need to taper but realize the danger in losing control once I start.
So it’s complete hell, I realize that now, that it is truly ruining my life and my relationships so as absolutely terrible today is, at least the one good thing is I truly want to be sober and reclaim my life.
Are you working a recovery program @HoldFast? If rehab isn’t an option due to finances, have you considered AA or any other program?
I’m not… I used to go to meetings but never worked the steps properly or got a sponsor and was always relapsing and triggered just from going to the meetings - I would always want a beer coming out, where as sometimes I wasnt even craving before hand.
Did you feel the need to drink for a reason? Think about what you heard and felt during that meeting. Maybe that is the key to your trigger?
Hi there, firstly try not to be too hard on yourself. From what I can discern you know you have a problem and you’re trying to address it. Gradually cutting down is a good starting point as well as having some alcohol free days and then you can go from there. Rather than rehab, which as you say is expensive, can you try private counselling? This is what I’ve done and I find it helps to talk to someone completely neutral and to get some coping tools strategies. The other thing is medication, I take campral which helps. Good luck and we are all here for you. Rebecca
Prolly just wasn’t a good club - too many war stories and romanticizing not enough recovery talk. I found it depressing, and a drink would always make me feel better.
Hey Rebacca,
Does campral help with the cravings and desire to drink? I had something last I got out of rehab, but didn’t take it as I went in on an intervention and at the time really didn’t want to give up Alcohol but believed I could moderate and manage it.
But I was trying to remember the name so I could get some from my doctor. Does it impact your medical records? I have been trying to get life insurance the past couple years without any luck - prolly on account of being a cancer survivor, been to rehab twice and was in a motorcycle accident and received a dui as a result. It’s all in the past, cancer almost 10years and dui and rehabs almost 4 years ago. I don’t want to mess up my chances and reset the clock. I have two kids and really would like to get the life insurance squared away.
…but yeah I could and should prolly see a counselor. I know I drink to numb alot of my emotional problems - thing is I’m was drinking so much it’s physical addiction as well now.
PAWS aren’t so bad this morning and I was able to sorta get some decent sleep last night.
Didn’t get drunk yesterday and only had a beer and a few ounces of wine to manage the withdrawal. So it’s been more than 12 hours since I’ve consumed any alcohol. If I can make it till about 5 tonight it’ll be my first 24 hours since I started again shortly after rehab about 4 years ago.
@HoldFast, I wanted to just welcome you to the community. Thanks for coming forth. You are not alone, and there is hope. You can do this!
Thanks…
So I actually just made 24 hours without a drink.
Pretty impressed to be honest. I’ve gone a few days in the past without getting drunk but like I said I had to maintenance drink. But that’s the hell in all of this. Needing a drink to get going and productive, or so that I could focus and concentrate… Waiting and knowing it would wear off and I’d need another drink sooner or later. All the wasted time running out to a bar because I don’t want to keep alcohol at home - all the wasted money. All the stuff I feel I can’t buy, or places to travel because I so accustomed to being broke. I’m sick of the chains. Even when I can successfully manage it, it’s always a mystery of when I have an espisode or a multi-day bender.
I’m really surprised right now though with the relief from the initial PAWS. I think it’s actually easier now that I’m semi detoxed, as apposed to having constant on and off withdrawal off being a daily maintenance drinker by day and drunkard by night. So I’m actually feeling really encouraged by that.
I gotta admit this app/site has been really helpful to. At first I thought it would do much for me but the timer/counter really helped in the first 24 / 48 hours. I also thought well there’s no real accountability in any of this, or showing your face and shame at meetings, but I think it’s making everyone even more honest. I really actually want sobriety and that freedom that comes with it. I never wanted that before I just wanted to be able to drink like a normal person and was determined to make it possible… But the less I got drunk the more I became a maintenance drinker and the more alcoholic I became. And that’s what has really been fucking up my life because it’s been fucking up my relationships with my ex, my kids, my friends, and lost my girlfriend because I cheated while drunk. And that’s been a real wake up call. I loved her sooooo much and she was sooooooo good to me and just the most incredible person I’ve ever met and now she’s gone - won’t even talk to me. I realize it’s because I’m alcoholic and wanted to swear off alcohol as a result, but seemed to have been drinking more than ever because I’m so hurt and there’s no one to blame but myself. It’s just gotten to the point I realize I hate myself and my world is consistently always getting worse. I was reading part of a book recently which is a bit of a miracle because I’m usually too drunk to read or remember or having anxiety and withdrawal and can’t focus enough to read… But in any case the advice was if you want to change the world around you, you change yourself. And with that the people around and circumstances will change as well. So it’s taken a few weeks of drinking since in misery but that stuck with me and it helped get me to where I am today - 24 hours sober, and because I decided to. Which is amazing because we all know a true alcoholic can’t stop - they have to be stopped. And that usually means the cops and some kinda major fucking incident, or intervention. I just woke up at 4:30 in the morning withdrawaling and had nice cold white wine in the fridge but decided no more. I could have easily walked to the fridge and pulled the cork and taken a few swills from the bottle, and climbed back into bed and fallen back asleep, but I didn’t. And those first 12 hours were hell. I had to have that beer at 12 hours, I physically couldn’t take it and it probably wasn’t even safe to try without but I’m so incredibly thankful I had the beer and even a wine two hours later and stopped. It could have turned into the same old behavior, and drunk that night waking up at 4 am all over again. And I actually think it was enduring physical hell for that long that got me this far. It was like if I was going to torture myself that long why do it again if I didn’t half to. And the only two options then we’re continue to maintenance drink so you don’t have to and remain alcoholic and in hell, or sobriety. Obviously I’ll always be an alcoholic but I won’t be living in hell, hating myself and always miserable unless I’m drunk.
So yeah… Here I am about 25 hours. And not far from bed time. A real full day, not just 24 hours combined of two days and sleep. But a real full day.
Quite a long reply by hey the topic is “your story” and that’s my story so far. Thanks for the words of encouragement.