You know, I don’t even think I give myself enough time to process what I’m about to do to call someone or go to a meeting or do anything really before I’m already a bottle an and 8 ball deep. I seem to only want help when I am coming down. Things happen so quickly, I don’t know how to gain control over my impulsions. Im selfish, I have people here who want to help me and it’s wonderful and I’m so happy but then next thing i know I’m wasted. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve been trying those online meetings, AA never clicked for me and idk if it ever will but I’ll keep tuning in I guess. Don’t know what else to do.
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You need to take drastic measures like I did. I checked myself into a rehab, did it for a few weeks to just reset myself. Then, I basically cut all of the people that I’ve associated with the bad JuJu out of my life. I deleted all of their phone number’s (especially the dealer’s) and cut myself off from everyone except my family.
To say I kept to myself is an understatement. I wasn’t going to fool myself into thinking I can go to a bar or party after a few days, weeks and months of sobriety. I worked, cleaned everything in my place, fixed up my car, read a lot, wrote a lot, listened to a helluva lot of YouTube, etc. To this day I know I can be a better version of myself.
You have to take a hard look at yourself. Time is slowly running out and at the end of the day, time is whats most valuable.
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Rehab might be a great starting point. Or you could wait like me and let the Department of Corrections take care of physically separating you from alcohol.
Or check these suggestions:
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Don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s not you making the decisions yet, it’s alcohol and you are powerless over it. Keep getting back up keep learning keep wanting sobriety keep putting in the work and one day you will have that last drink.
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I’ve thought about rehab but I live alone and I would lose my job. I have a great job and I don’t know what I would do without it, especially bills wise.
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- Maybe you won’t lose your job if you ask for leave to go to rehab.
- Keep drinking and the job will go.
Denial is a tough motherfucking nut to crack.
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If you live in the US, you can’t lose your job for going to rehab. Sounds like you could really benefit from it. I did an outpatient detox followed by an IOP and it was a tremendous help.
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What have you actually done yet. Do your research on laws and rehab, raise your hand at a meeting and talk, ask for a sponsor, work a program (any program), Do a morning inventory of your day and have a plan set in stone that you can stick to at the first thought of drinking. Read self help and wellbeing books and watch videos on you tube about the effects of alcohol on your brain and body, start to learn meditation, build a sober circle or support network to call when in danger, pray to the back of your eyelids every day for the strength to stay sober. review your day at night and look at the good and bad and where you can change tommorow. Cry, scream, walk, bath, sleep. I’ve done everything on that list whether I wanted to or not and just for today I’m sober. When I did everything I wanted to do to stay sober I drank. Do the maths.
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I just want to stress that there is nothing wrong with you…your doing what your brain was trained to do up until this point…feel safe. The brain wants comfort, predictability, and alcohol in many ways has been associated with providing you with that.
Instead of beating yourself congratulate yourself for showing up, for realizing you have a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol…we all do; if we didn’t we wouldn’t be here. If you stay in negative thought you will remain stuck…how do I know? I have been stuck for years, but if you make the the choice to seek out knowledge, truly dig deep and examine your emotions around drinking you can implement positive action to effect real change around your attitudes towards drinking.
This work doesn’t have to be hard…may not always be easy, but it’s achievable. Your here; remember that…keep showing up, and dig deep.
There’s nothing wrong with you…you just might need to shift your perspective, and remember, the brain is a muscle…it takes time to strengthen and reframe. Allow yourself some grace, and look to love yourself. Because you are deserving of your own love…and hold on to hope.
I’m sending you a big hug, and I know you make it through. Keep reaching…never give up.
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You can go to rehab your job shouldn’t question you about it. You are taking the first steps by realizing you have a problem and want to change for the better. That’s a start you just have to want to do the work…
Stay things do get better
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Hi Devyn,
First of all good job that you are still reaching out to the group. The will to make a change is there! Personally I have never tried AA, someone mentioned some time ago the book “This naked mind” from Annie Grace. For me it was a game changer! It hasn’t been easy, in fact I read the book twice, and her second book (The Alcohol Experiment) too. But after finishing the book for the second time something clicked. I’m early into sobriety (7 weeks), but those 20€ I paid for both books, has been the best spent money ever! 100% worth it. I hope you find your way to get out of your addiction. 
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Usually we find out when we are done, we’ve lost it all or we’re about on our death bed, and we still cant give up the hope of maybe one day, doing some moderation or controlled drinking. Ive found for me personally that alcohol is like cancer i have to completely cut it out from my life or it will kill me simple as that. Simple law of inertia a body in motion stays in motion and once i start rolling down the hill there is no stopping me im all the way down an out.
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Try being active here? Seems like those that are active here and participate daily tend to have long term sobriety.
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Thank you so much for your kind words, I’m going to seek therapy and take this one day at a time.
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I’m going to purchase today!!!
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Excellent, wishing you the best. Stay connected to the group, and let us know how you’re getting on! It’s easier when you don’t walk this path alone! 
Ordered a couple of suggested books, I was on medical leave for 5 months so I have been home alone with my thoughts for weeks and weeks. I just went back to work last week and I’m hoping working full time and getting back into fishing and meetings will help. I have also reached out to my psychiatrist to discuss my issues recently and scheduled an appointment.
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Great to hear, I wish you all the best on your journey. Took me years until the penny finally dropped but if we never stop trying it’s definitely worth the effort and the wait. If I can ever do anything even just a chat if you’re struggling, DM me and we’ll pass some time.
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