**might need a trigger warning for those who are not able to ever have “just the one” , not grafic but if youre having gravings this post might come a cross as finding excuses and i dont want to encourage that
Feel free to share your stories of wins and fails though xx
Day one just ticked past, hangover mostly gone and reminding me why I’ve self medicated for years with alcohol - to quiet the adhd brain, insomnia, cptsd and manage fibromyalgia i only got diagnosed only in October.
It helps to know that my 20 years of chronic pain is real - I didn’t know people weren’t supposed to be in constant pain and also understanding why I can’t function like society wants to, and have better ways to keep people out of my head/flashbacks at bay, im not a piece of sh*t of a person and i have tried so damn hard. “Just focused harder” was never a healthy option for me…
Today the fatigue and aches are gonna battle with the restless boredom and hyperactiveness, like my brain wants to do all the things I want to do instead of wasting time being wasted. It’s gonna be so hard, but hopefully my body gets so tired it tires out my brain for pushing through the constant effort to push through the pain and muscle fatigue I actually get some decent sleep
Got a good selection of herbal teas to lean on, might be controversial to many but if I get real desperate I got some rum to splash into my tea, i would never recommend anyone here to do so, but if a cuppa stops me having a mental breakdowns & keeps me out of the pub and binging then it’s worth it. And yes I can have just the one tea at home - in pubs I got no control as thets where i go to escape reality.
So today I’m gonna have the best day I can and try to keep myself in check, avoid triggers but the triggering thoughts usually find me and I’m kinda prepared
Journalling, doodling, colouring, crochet, other projects I want to do, pets and more to keep me busy xx have a wonderful Christmas and if you’re feeling lonely Peaceful Solitude is better than wasting time being wasted xx
Your post resonated with me a lot. I, too, have ADHD and cPTSD, on top of depression, anxiety, and BPD (tho my shrink suspects my BPD symptoms were more of manifestation of the cPTSD so… yeah… lots of acronyms there lol).
For more than a decade I used drugs and alchohol to self-medicate and deal with my inability to do life like other people seem to easily do. It’s frustrating and annoying and painful and never-ending anguish. I’d drink to numb the pain and woke up in even more pain. It was a constant cycle of non-stop insanity.
But eventually things got a bit better and sobriety stuck. I’m over 11 months sober and while my issues are still there, they’re easier to manage.
And I know you don’t want to hear this, but keeping tea rum is not doing you any favours. I used to handle bad hangover and cravings by ‘slow-sipping’ beers. It didn’t take long till I was back to my usual 2-3-6 bottles of wine per night.
I relate with you very much on the mental illness stuff too @Soup
@Amy30 that is exactly what I have, and have been dealing with as well. Glad you’re getting some help. Every time I’ve opened up about things with a therapist or anyone really, it causes me to spiral out of control, so I’ve been leaving all my trauma nicely repressed, which isn’t without downsides, but it’s the only thing I can do right now.
Anyway @Soup, you’re not alone. I hope things get better for you. Merry Christmas, much love
Trauma changes the brain for sure, hope to get into therapy too, but not sure how well it works for very self aware people
I managed to pop in the pub yesterday and not go off the handle, my clock is named Beer, as that’s something I’ll struggle to limit myself. Did reset the clock though for honesty, but I had a good time and no hangover.
Gonna aim for atleast few full days without any alcohol, and pop out for a social visit on New Years Eve and have to be at home as my dogs are terrified of fireworks!
I’ve been kicked out of online support groups before because I’m not relating with being addicted exactly, more in the “alcoholic tendencies and poor self-control” category.
I got mad flashbacks and get stuck in a loop, to be honest being drunk usually triggers a lot of it to bubble up and end up having panic attacks and bad screaming meltdowns…
Guess healing isnt meant to be pretty or pleasant…
Good luck on your journey and do let us know how you getting on xx you’re not alone.
Sometimes labels help us feel less alone, sometimes they make us feel boxed in. Whatever suits you. But if alcohol is taking away from your life, then time to cut it out of your life. You don’t need to control something you don’t intake at all. Not taking the first drink is the most important.
I used to get the panic attacks and screaming meltdowns when I drank. Then I used to think I can get up and control it. And sometimes I did control it for weeks, even months at a time. But then I would always get back to blackouts, meltdowns, self harm, hospital visits etc.
Alcohol is not doing you any favors. Going to the pub and not drinking too much on the day you woke up promising yourself to get sober doesn’t sound like much of a win to me. For me, I had to be done with alcohol. Like really really done. That’s a conclusion I had to come to myself.
Addiction isn’t linear. We don’t get worse and worse and worse and worse down a predictable straight line until we down a litre of vodka first thing in the morning… It’s more insidious than that. There’s denial, bargaining, attempts to moderate, various rock bottoms… For me, it went up and down. I didn’t quit after my worst drunk incident. It actually took another 18 months before I was finally done for good. And the last time I went out drinking wasn’t even that eventful.
Point is… I spent years lying to myself. And it sounds like you might be in a similar spot.
I understand that works for most people, but I know myself best, been put a lot of effort into that. Personally hate people calling diagnosis been “put in a box” as how I view it is society is The Box I’ve had to learn to kinda function in, though it’s incredibly exhausting to do so most of the times. Probably why I enjoy solitude.
Day and 20 hours sober, easy peasy. Right now I know I can’t go to the pub because I’d be there for 6 hours binging.
I’m sorry you had to go through all that xx I find screaming in the abyss healing, not trying to avoid it anymore and do it sover… definetly have spent too much time, money and energy drinking. knowing yourself is such a big part of changing and getting better at being yourself!
I was in trauma therapy. I had an outstanding therapist and then you went to private and couldn’t take mine. Turns that traumatized me, so I know all about repressing trauma. My whole life has been a battle with drugs. I have lost so much because of drugs. You know, I just had an opportunity to get Housing. But I cared more about getting high than going to the appointment. I lied to my husband and told him that the place was a junkie mass and it had bugs. I never even went to the place and we lost our housing because of that. I’m going to tell them the truth tomorrow. I’m in the city I’m down right now. He’s in treatment and he’s coming home for a visit and I’m gonna sit him down tomorrow. And tell him tired of this spiral. In my mental health, I’ve been dealing with bipolar my whole life. I get on meds and then I self-medicate drugs now. Call. Merry Christmas to you and I hope that your Christmas is safe and silver.I’m always.
Here if you want to talk, because I need people that are sober and are struggling for real and want to talk about it.
My name is evelyn by the way
Your stories resonate with me very deeply, I am 36 hours into my recovery. I too have ADHD, unmedicated. I am 46 and used to only socially drink up until I was 40, once my kids were mostly grown. It honestly snuck up on me, I was a young mom and my ability to hyperfocus on them kept my drinking in check. In my mind I was making up for my 20’s, cutting loose and had more disposable income about 39. I was in a relationship where it was fair to say he was an alcoholic. As my drinking increased, I didn’t really have anyone in my life noticing how bad it was getting. Covid, I lost control of my drinking…that was the beginning of my blackouts. I was finally diagnosed with ADHD at this time. I have been stuck in a vicious pattern. I drank when I was happy, when I was sad, a stressful day at work. Waking up the next day and have to count the cans of beer to know how much I had drank. I am 36 hours in since my last drink. I have a crushing headache, my stomach aches terribly, this would be where I would have a beer to fix it. I just can’t live like this any more. I miss who I was. I am at a loss with myself and what to do with this nervous energy inside of me without alcohol.
and also understanding why I can’t function like society wants to, and have better ways to keep people out of my head/flashbacks at bay, im not a piece of sh*t of a person and i have tried so damn hard. “Just focused harder” was never a healthy option for me…
