I’ve been home all night and most of the evening and have done nothing but think. Sometimes I feel like I waste my life taking naps but sleep is really the only time I feel relief.
My story is very simple. 10 years ago I met a man who would eventually become my boyfriend and husband. He was sober when we met. While not the easiest person to be with, he was just a 23 year old kid. Over time he relapsed and with the relapse came emotional and physical abuse. It took an enormous amount of strength to leave him.
Fast forward to September 2018, I meet a guy in the US Navy here in Spain. Red flags abound, he asks me to do things for him that he can do himself (landlord, housing department, copies of keys, I paid his rent twice etc etc). We broke up a few weeks ago, he went on deployment, things got bad, he got sent to counseling. Contacted me again. And here comes the fun part of going back between communicating like adults and fighting on the phone or WhatsApp. We’re not in the same city. I am so very tired of it but I feel like he has this power over me and I want to write him so badly… I’ve been a crying lovely mess and he doesn’t even treat me right. Sigh.
My abusive ex still contacts me… so i feel you. They are the hardest ones to get away from. You have to look out for your heart!!! Cause who else will?? Head high!
Sometimes you need to go cold turkey with a relationship just as you would with a drug of choices. In a sense, a toxic relationship can have the same effects as any addiction–you keep going back even though it’s destroying you. Sometimes, even though it hurts, you need to just decide to put this relationship down and not pick it up ever again. That might mean not getting in touch, and it may even mean not responding to texts. I had a long-term, on-again-off-again relationship that was not healthy for either of us. We kept breaking up and getting back together again. Then, after not speaking for a month, he text me out of the blue. It was like I had been sober for a month, and here was a tall glass of whatever, beckoning me to take the first drink. My friends convinced me not to respond. When he told me how much that hurt him, I wrote him a long email explaining why I needed to cut off all contact in order to protect myself. It was hard, because I didn’t want to give him up, but I think I missed the high that the relationship gave me more than I missed him, if you know what I mean. It was hard for both of us, but we both eventually moved on. (I hear he is now engaged and I’m actually really happy for him!!) It was one of the best things I’ve done for myself to take control of a situation that was controlling me.
Thanks @SarahKM. A glass of water… That is exactly how it feels. He is about to be deployed for 3 months and during this time I want to live my best life, date, and remain available for other men. Him and I we got so enmeshed in each other, especially me in him, it hurts my heart to see him struggle at work… So my savior complex kicks in. Not many people seem to like him. And I can be the one who understands him! As usual, I’m in over my head…
@Zuz_Anna it sounds exactly like an addiction but in this case a love addiction. Check out groups like SLAA, I think you may already be familiar if my memory serves, and keep doing what you’re doing right now by reaching out to others that can help you stay sober from this particular “drug”.
I’m so sorry! It sounds like you’re in a really tough spot I will pray for strength for you! Something I had to do with an ex although it was by no means as serious as your situation, as I was getting sober, I had to write on a sheet of paper "
the following are distractions do not use under any circumstance!" then I listed various distractions and my ex his name was on that list. Here I will attach a picture. Looking at it helped. Then I wrote on another sheet of paper all of the positive things that I could do with my time instead of thinking about my distractions.
Wow thank you that list is such a great idea! Im totally stealing it! I’ve already put sex in that section of my brain that’s labeled Distracions. I’ll out pen to paper tonight and make a list for myself I love this!
Re-read and re-think this. You are here as a sex/love addict. If you were an alcoholic, would you be getting better by switching from wine to beer? Would the oxycontin addict be better by switching to heroin? Would the porn addict be better by switching from online to magazines?
Maybe use these next three months to free yourself from needing any romantic relationship. Work on being perfectly comfortable being alone. Then build platonic relationships with same-sex, then platonic relationships with the opposite sex. Once you’ve learned to relate to others platonically, then and only then should you consider a romantic relationship.
Yoda couldnt say it any better. We have warned u again n again about building relationships and you still romanticize the idea and go through with it to end in problems again and again hitting the same target. Sit back and be patient atleast you get to return to your addiction when u find the one that loves you the same. Any other addict has to give our DOC up forever. Be patient as stevie said build a relationship with the same sex . Live your life independent and wait for love to come into your life and quit forcing it. Stop and block all thes ex’s numbers quit worrying about them. Thats thier responsibility to take care of themself not yours. Focus on making yourself better. Find some activities ,cook,crafts, or volunteer work to do. You got too much time on your hands/mind to worry about other people that are nothing more then a friend. ex’s are ex’s for a reason … So keep it that way and prepare yourself and build yourself to deserve better partner. If you work on yourself and be patient … I could almost promise what your looking for will come along the way. It may be a year or two or more but it will happen.
A lot of food for thought here guys. Thank you. I’m still operating within a “making excuses for myself” mode while I should really rethink what I say and you’re right, a beer is not a substitute for wine… Thankfully my ex is not on deployment so he won’t be actively present in my life, so I’ll be able I hope to distance myself from the situation. I don’t want to enter any sexual relationships right now, and for he forseeable future. Sex messes with my head and it’s just a distraction. I
I will pray for strength for you! Something I had to do with an ex although it was by no means as serious as your situation, as I was getting sober, I had to write on a sheet of paper "