Most of us who relapse talk about the feelings afterward and it’s nothing new. That’s one of the reasons I’m so mad at myself right now. During my 5 day relapse in which I drank 4 of those days (one day I was simply too physically ill to hold down water let alone vodka), it’s unbelievable to me that I couldn’t just get back on track. I realize my 53 days straight of prior sobriety isn’t completely lost (it still feels that way), but I lost several precious days to debauchery and really just plain stupidity. I’m nowhere close to feeling how I did prior to drinking again. It’s vile to me that my reasoning for that first day of relapse was because I needed to “feel that buzz simply because I’d forgot what it was like”. Well that’s all good now that I can’t remember what it feels like to be 53 days sober… I get that this is a negative post, but that’s where I’m at today. If anyone takes away something from this rant I hope it’s one thing. There’s about .01% chance if you relapse you’re going to take anything positive away from the decision and experience. What you’ll find is the exact opposite my friends.
I guess the title should have been Ranting after a relapse instead of Dealing… since I’m dealing with it in a somewhat negative way. On another note, I’m just in a mood and know full well there are positives coming my way in renewed recovery. I’ve been there… just have to get back Jack!
Thanks for the post. Reminds me why I’m doing this, because I still wonder every now and then. Like, I’m fine now right? I’ve broken my bad habits? I can have one drink and not spiral out of control now?
I’m sorry you’ve been having a rough time, but I really appreciate you being honest and talking about it. 
@Elisabeth, thank you. That was the point I was trying to get across. Thank you for saying. I miss communication with you. We used to a lot more before I got off track a couple weeks ago. I’m looking forward to getting back to “normal” so to speak.
Hi Alpine - sorry to hear you relapsed, especially as we started down this road at roughly the same time.
Great to know you’re back and fired up again!
And you haven’t lost any of those 53 days.
@alpine_1975 Definitely! I have my days where I get overwhelmed with all the posts and/or I’m just feeling shitty and nothing I say on here will be positive. My bad days are lessening, but I’m still such a B sometimes! Lol
Glad to see you on here! 
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way! But I’m glad you shared. Not every day will be sunshine and roses. It’s not realistic and it’s important that we all remember that. I hope that by you saying these things out loud it can help you process how you are feeling.
And we are more than happy to listen!
Stay strong. I hope you are feeling better real soon 
I had 50 days from the last time I quit when I relapsed, I did almost the same exact things with the same reasoning, drank for a few days even though I didn’t want to. Addiction. Forced myself to quit again even though the craving were a lot stronger this time out of necessity. Every time I relapsed before there has been a lot of self loathing and anger at myself for being weak and slipping up when I had so much momentum going, but not this time, I was super disappointed don’t get me wrong. But I also realize I am a horrible addict, and that my addicted brain is going to try to say anything to get me to drink again. Sure it would be better to avoid a relapse all together but as log as you realize that and move on and don’t just go back to drinking it’s okay. You didn’t relapse because you are a piece of shit who has no control, you had a relapse because you had a moment of weakness trying to break free from this thing that has kept you addicted for years. Hating yourself for that is just going to damper your healing, just use this as a way to learn how to avoid that trigger next time, you can never justify using that excuse again because you know what will happen