I’m coming up on three months sober and feel great… Except for dealing with a great deal of loneliness. Pretty much all of my closest friends are “heavy drinkers” (alcoholics in denial) and I just don’t feel connected with them anymore.
It makes me really sad. It’s not that I’m tempted to drink if they drink around me, it’s just that being around drunks when you’re sober is sooooo f’n boring.
It also hurts a little that nobody seems willing to put aside like even an hour or two of their spare time to hang out sober with me. They all live the “unless you absolutely can’t, every minute of spare time is spent drinking” lifestyle. As I did too for may years, so I feel like a hypocrite, but I have to be honest with myself too.
I dunno why I’m posting this- I’m sure many if not most other people on here experience the same thing. Maybe I just need to share and commiserate to process it.
I try to stay excited about starting a new life and making new friends, but at the age of 45 it’s not as easy as it was twenty years ago. People in my age group tend to be pretty established in their friend groups and don’t really get out much looking for new social connections, and it’s not like I’m gonna go hang out at bars to socialize anymore lol.
I try to keep busy with hobbies, work, generally keeping productive and creative, but the need for connection with other people beyond AA meetings is pretty strong. I’ve met a lot of great people at meetings, however the vast majority of people in AA in my area are quite a bit older than me, and I haven’t really met anybody I connect with other than having being in recovery in common.
Having sober buddies is great, but it would be nice to have at least a couple with more in common than just being addicts, otherwise socializing just feels like an extracurricular AA meeting- haha
Thanks for reading if you got this far. Feel free to share your experience. Loneliness loves (needs) company
Hey @DoomUnit, welcome to Talking Sober. I don’t honestly have much of value to contribute here. I just wanted to say that I understand how it is to be incredibly lonely, in sobriety but also external to that. I hope you find some people either in recovery groups or in life who you feel like you can connect with.
Ben, welcome to the forum. I posted something similar just a week ago- you are definitely not alone. I’m in my early 40s and all my best friends drink. I’ve tried hanging out with them sober while they drink and it’s ok, but there is a feeling of loss. Tried organizing all sorts of activities with them, but it’s just not as much fun as it used to be. I don’t have a solution, yet, but it’s the only thing left that is kicking my sober ass. You are not alone.
I have the same problem. I dont crave drink or drugs when I see them but its boring or often rather annoying to be around addicts.
I try speaking to strangers whenever I can. I dont do this every day yet but its my goal. Always trying to speak to new strangers and even if its just a hello or ‘nice shirt’. This makes it easier to establish conversations in general.
Im still in the process of growing my courage when it comes to this but I know I kinda have to - the longer I stay sober the more I desire other sober friendships
Maybe try a gym or art class or anything else where there are “normal” people, you’ll probably be able to have a conversation and maybe a couple of friendships will be the end result.
Take care &
I understand I haven’t had that problem myself exactly but I can imagine the feeling. I’m about the same age as you and I’ve made friends in my recovery, but in our social time we talk about families, travel, camping, and woodworking; the step work may come up from time to time but it’s a part of a larger mix.
I think of it like this. When I was in school, the friendships I made were with my classmates who were at the same school. We didn’t always talk about the school curriculum but it was the place we connected. In my recovery group I am at recovery school, and I’m making friendships with my friends there
I made wholesale change when I quit drinking a little while ago. Friends, family, activities… everything is different now and I still enjoy the changes made.
I could write down (as I’ve done in the past) what I’ve done, but that was my path and yours is yours.
You are very early in your journey, get comfortable with being uncomfortable and see where life takes you.
I’ve used the Meet Up app to join a few groups. Cycling, volleyball, pickleball and disc golf. There is a group for any interest (reading, AI or whatever). I experienced the same loneliness on Saturday. I had nothing planned. I went to a meeting to avoid going in the wrong direction. This app also helps with staying connected in a positive way. Congrats on the sobriety! It’s better than the alternative.
I can relate. Outside of meetings I find myself feeling lonely. I’m 48 and understand how it can be difficult to find new friendships. My old friends are married, working and living their lives. I fall into the trap of comparing myself to others which makes me feel bad about myself. I have to fight through that everyday. I’ve made an effort at forming new friendships by going to meetings early to talk with others and I’m working on reaching out via the phone to keep in touch with fellow members. But I’ll admit, I still feel lonely and out of place most of the time. I just try to live one day at a time and trust that my higher power will put the right people in my life when he sees fit. I’m also early in recovery at 59 days, so I need to try and be patient with the process. I completely understand how you feel. Thank you for your post. Keep in touch on here.
I have to chime in here. I am happy you found this great community. I agree with others.. get out there. Join a gym class. Find a group with your same interests not necessarily the same age. I go to water aerobics and a few months ago I realized I was the oldest in the class at almost 62. I love the gals… some I thought were older than me by appearance. Shame on me for profiling. My AA Group have many older and some younger… I love the old timers they have so much to share whether new in sobriety or many years.
I have connected with the young here and at AA. I believe just connecting with anyone is beneficial to your continued success in sobriety. I am glad you are here.
&
I haven’t had that problem myself exactly but I can imagine the feeling. I’m about the same age as you and I’ve made friends in my recovery, but in our social time we talk about families, travel, camping, and woodworking; the step work may come up from time to time but it’s a part of a larger mix.