Hello, all… im going to talk a little bit about the past decade of my life, without writing a full lead. Lol.
So, I (rather quickly) got into a relationship with a man 10.5 years ago, who gave me a powerful opiate after a major surgery. I cannot diagnose ppl, yet I whole-heartedly believe that he is a narcissist with possible sociopathic tendencies. The abuse happened slowly. If you are familiar with this type of personality disorder, then you know some of what I’ve dealt with. I didn’t know a thing about it. I had always had healthy relationships, usually long-term, and none of them worked out for various reasons. Never anything too major. Nothing like what I’ve experienced this past decade. I’ve come to realize that I have a trauma bond with him, and that in order to heal from this, I have to cut off all communication with him. This has been difficult for me. I block him from social media and phone #'s, only to unblock him time and time again. Somehow, he always notices immediately. I’ve done this about a handful of times since I first got my phone in treatment. I realize that I’m just hurting myself and when i stop all contact, he goes about his life unhinged, and at one point he actually called me and asked if he should move on. He was already talking to someone. He regurgitates recovery knowledge like hes an expert now and as if he is a new man. He isn’t. I get roped in, and I forget all that I’ve been through with him, until I start noticing it again. The thing is: I dont matter, not really. I feel as though I am a placeholder and a mirror for his ego. It’s insanity- the things that I’ve dealt with, where he is concerned, amaze me still-and yet I continue to engage in it and entertain it. I told him last night that I needed to talk to him, which was ignored. All topics revert to being about him, in only positive ways. I atrempted to explain myself this morning and was told that I personalize way too much. My feelings are never validated, ever. There is always some other reason that I’m upset, and it never concerns him in any way. He redirects all painful topics back to me. They are somehow because of me. (Which is true, in a sense, but HE ISN’T A PHILOSPOPHER AND THIS ISN’T THAT!!!). I am obviously, extremely frustrated and I guess I just needed to get this out of me in a healthier way than arguing with him. I never tend to write anymore, but this forum seems to be encouraging that part of me.
I realize that there is no amount of talking [to him] that is going to fix him or heal me. Yet it is so hard to completely let go. I have to starve his ego and he will move on quickly, bc he wont be getting what he needs from me anymore. With him being in treatment still, I am afraid to upset him and have something terrible happen, but honestly, I do know that nothing I do is going to actually cause him to make a bad decision. I told him again this morning that I cannot do this with him. It is causing physical symptoms and I feel that he will inevitability get me high before I heal him. Sounds contradictory based on what I just said, but iykyk. Thanks for reading. Time to get into a better headspace. Healing has to happen for me, or I will spiral into a place that I dont ever want to go back to. It starts with me.
That sounds intense, painful and confusing for you. You didn’t ask, but I do hope you block and keep him blocked. There is no reason to unblock…ever.
I hope you put your energy, focus, love and determination where it belongs…on your self and your healing. This relationship is a dead weight dragging you down. You deserve way way more. He is responsible for himself. You are responsible for you. Keep sharing here, it will help.
Sending love and strength. 
You will never get closure with this guy. You literally have to go no contact and mean it. I’m dealing with someone very similar at the moment, and I even unblocked him last night for a few minutes in a fit of insanity before coming back to clear thinking again.
I know it’s not easy but you are worth it to yourself to entirely separate yourself from him.
Hey there…I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I left an engagement to follow a narcissistic sociopath many years ago. What followed was a dive into the depths of darkness and addiction.
I have a great therapist. She made write down my story, and any place that I wrote “he did this to me” “I had to deal with” “this happened TO me” etc. she made me replace with some variation of “I agreed to” or “I allowed this to happen”.
I was SO annoyed with her when she did this 
Rereading it allowed was a freaking paradigm shift though.
It made me recognize my culpability in the situation and helped me reframe my life in terms of the ACTIVE part I was playing in my misery.
It was instrumental in me finding my way to sobriety and charting a new life course for myself.
You SEE him for what he is, that is amazing. Now it’s time to live yourself enough to let go and move on.
He will probably do whatever he can to draw you back in…and that very well might look like relapsing, hurting himself, ending up in the hospital even.
THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. This is his self destructive tendencies winning out because of his need for control. And frankly it has nothing to do with you (even if he tells you it is all about you)
You are worth it to move on.
You’re allowed to cut people out for your own well-being. His reaction to that is on him, not you. Nothing to feel guilty about.
Wow. That’s alot. I just have a very practical piece of advise: delete his number, messages, social media, phone logs and any other method you can think of you could use to contact him. Then get a new phone number. Heck, reset your phone if you have to.
I went through something similar with a narcissist for about a decade. And yes, it is traumatic. My therapist was able to help some, but ultimately, my getting sober and learning to live myself again was what ended the relationship for good.
This could have been me fifteen years ago, when I was in the midst of my relationship with a narcissist. It was awful, he’d come and go, go hot and cold on me, see other women… heck, set up situations where I’d meet these other women… And still tell me it was really all my fault. My self-esteem was non-existent, I left him a few times but was always roped back… And all his crap continued, and I allowed it to happen.
I don’t know what I was thinking. That I did not deserve better? That this was my one chance at a relationship? I had had no experience with a narcissist before, and so I tried to rationalize his behaviour. I didn’t know then that these people are NOT like the rest of us. The narcissistic brain lacks any empathy, compassion, any ability to see people as equals. For narcissists, people are only to be used for their benefit.
Eventually something cracked in me, and a little light came through. I broke up with him again, and held out when he tried to hoover me back in. He tried everything, even proposed to me, but I held out… In my mind, I only wanted a bit of time to really think things through, breathe… I hadn’t blocked him or his number, and I certainly did not envisage it being the end. After all, I’d got sucked back in time and time again before. But this time my resolve not to see him or respond on his terms made him so so raging angry that he turned into a freaking stalker! He stalked my social media, called me several times a day, he called my friends feigning concern for my mental health, he contacted family… He introduced himself to my boss with lies and showed up at a work function! I was totally stressed out, after all, I’d been dealing with a breakup, and now I had this fucker who had made up his mind to harass me to the ends of the earth! It was awful… But it also made me revolt. I blocked him everywhere, and went NO CONTACT in capitals. I won’t say that my resolve never wavered, but I forced myself to remember the awfulness so I wouldn’t cave. His stalking, through random avenues he could think up, went on for months but I never responded. I have been no contact for fourteen years at this point. I still sometimes learn that he’s asked so-and-so about me, but anyone who’s closed enough to know what my life is like now, also knows not to tell him.
And I will add that cutting off all ties to this toxic person was key in recovering my self-esteem, and it allowed me to become the partner I was always meant to be to a new man who is now my husband. It all seems surreal, so many b years later, but your situation really brought all these memories to the fore.
So please, like others here have advised, cut him off completely, delete all his contact details, block him. When you think of him, think of all the awfulness. A better life is waiting for you if you get rid of this albatross around your neck.
That’s the point. Right there
Bring your thoughts here. There are many of us, starting with me, that tend to go back towards THE addicting behavior. Here it can be healthy.
Each time you get ignored of a text you send him, come to this forum. Tell it.
Don’t tell on him. Tell us your feelings.
Find a sober friend. Go to a meeting. The more you get those feelings in check, the more sobriety finds you.
Your friend is THE addiction. One day away from him will start one day. Then it will be 2. Then 10.
The more time away and the more times away will improve. The more time away can break the bond. I’m not telling you withdraw cold turkey from THE addiction
Start one day. Then two days.
It takes practice.
When you WANT to meet THE addiction, find a distractor, make an appointment, go to the mall.
TRY to use the tools you CAN find here in sobriety . I cannot share enough how much i would like to tell you WHAT your addiction is. But that’s your first step. NOT MINE.
People who hurt, hurt people. You were in rehab, use those tools. I know that your focus may have been on the opioid addiction. But maybe there’s an addiction more pressing. Get with your sponsor if you have one. If you don’t get one. Get to a safe place. I’m giving you hope, if i can give anything, it is that.
I am one with many addictions, sobriety from anger and toxic behaviors. I’m 21 years sober from alcohol. My point is there are many things that get in MY way.
Thank you for coming to this forum. Come back again and again. And then again.
There are tough times ahead. One fight at a time. One day at a time. It can be OK. It will be OK.
Hope to hear from you soon. With much love and respect, ME
And FWIW, I see the situation very much like sobriety. At least it was for me when I was in an abusive relationship. Holding on for dear life, self esteem and self confidence non existent, going back over and over even tho I knew it was killing me and bad for me, so very hard to change and grow.
But you are on the right path…you KNOW what you need to do and WANT to break free. And you CAN. Keep believing in yourself. You are worth so much more.
I just figured out how to reply. 
I quit blaming him uesrs ago, whilst still in active addiction. I realized that I allowed him to do everything that he did, because once he disrespected me and hurt me the first time, I gave him a chance to do it again. Again, another time, again, and yet again, until 10 years had passed me by. I now deal with people in such a way that keeps me protected from too much pain: when someone shows me who they are the first time, I now believe them the first time. I’ve been reading about this type of personality disorder, for years now. I remember the first time that I discovered who he was, and what I was dealing with. I typed something into chrome like: “why does my bf hurt me on purpose?” I was blown away. Nearly everything (that I found written on the subject) was exactly what I was experiencing. It’s been a painful process, but I know that I have to treat him the same as I do my addiction and recovery. One is too many, and a thousand is never enough, with him as well. Ive tried to explain to him what he has done and does to me, to no avail. He either cannot see it, or refuses to. I believe its the former. He’s highly intelligent, yet it’s hard to see our own faults. Especially when we use the object of our affection as exactly that: an object. For our own ego’s punching bag. I believe that a lot of people throw this word around: narcissist, but it doesnt mean a selfish person, necessarily. It is so much deeper and the profound torment is nearly unexplainable. If you know, you know. I’m honestly shocked that I dealt with it for as many years as I did. The drugs and alcohol made it somewhat easier. I used to question if he was what I believed he was, by telling myself that he never left me sick, that we had an amazing bond, etc. Yet all of the things he did do, were just to keep me around. I believe that he loves me to the extent that he’s capable, but that he cannot express or feel love in the ways that I do, and that is unacceptable to me.
He will move on very quickly, because he needs someone to fill the void he has inside, and he needs someone to cosign his bs and make him okay with himself. Thats the only way that he can be fully okay with the day to day. Thats something that i can handle now. I realize that it isn’t an afront to me and that it doesnt make my experience with loving him, any less real.
Some days are easier than others. Yet, i do go long periods of time without thinking about him, and that is how I know that I’m on the right path. All the best wishes to you! Thank you for taking the time to respond. It means a lot to me!
Man, this one made me stop and think a bit deeper. I’ve come to this before, but somehow I forgot. I think that a part of my addiction was to be loved. The fight within myself of never quite feeling good enough, expressed itself in that relationship over and over again. I would consistently have to prove myself and attempt to get validation. It wasn’t how I wanted to live, in my concious mind. However, i was constanrly in fight or flight mode, and I wonder if that fed something inside of me. Thanks for the feedback!
Thank you for taking the time to write this.
I gave him a fourth of my life. Recovery hasn’t changed him. He may never change, just get better at fooling others. However, none of that is my business anymore. I dont owe him anything, and nothing that I say will help. I just end up giving my energy and time away to something thats wasteful and extremely painful to be a part of.
Better things ARE definitely to come! Thanks for the reminder! ;*
I can’t love your posts enough, my friend. I was trapped for 10 years in a situation of my own making with a narcissist. It’s very sad for those struggling with narcissistic personality disorder. Their very disease is what blocks them from ever getting help.
Agreed! He is so self absorbed and seems to not be able to see it. Its so much more than that, though. I’m determined to heal from this, and wish you all of the best, and healing as well, in your journey.
Yes, my own experience is majorly pointless unless I can share it with others and hopefully help them see how toxic these relationship patterns are, and help break them. Sometimes it’s just one drop in the bucket, but hopefully sometimes it may help something “click”.
I hope you are feeling better, and stronger in your resolve.
Thank you. As dark as it sounds, my experience with the narcissist has left me not interested at all in a romantic relationship. And over time, I’ve come to believe I’ll be very happy without a partner.