I recently had an explosive event with my partner that has spurred me to reach out to this community. I have betrayed my partners trust and made them feel like they are not beautiful or cared about through masturbating to pictures of my exes. She does not believe me that I no longer have an emotional attachment to them and all I am able to feel is shame and regret. I know that what I did was a betrayal of their trust and I don’t know what I can do to make things better with her. She no longer looks at me the same way and I am so ashamed that something that I should have been able to easily not do has caused someone I love so much pain. I have already deleted all forms of social media where I usually face triggers but I am so afraid that I will never be able to go back to normal with her no matter what I do.
Welcome to the forum @Huntw09
Im sorry your addiction has caused such pain.
I was the wife of a porn addict and its incredibly painful.
Youll never go back to how it was before she knew but you can rebuild starting now with honesty, truth and sobriety. Its going to take a lot of patience and persistence.
Maybe start with deleting all traces of ex pictures. Start looking for places you can attend in person or online Sex Addiction Meetings…
You’ve made the first step…
I know it will be a long road and it pains me to hear it won’t go back to how it was before but I feel like I knew that. I highly appreciate you helping me with some ideas moving forward. I am ashamed of myself but I want to use that as motivation to become a better person
Welcome Hunter. I am a recovering porn addict too. I have been married to my wife for 17 years. As part of that, under guidance from experienced people in sex addiction recovery, I first began making changes of behaviour and thinking (getting to root causes), and then, when appropriate (to minimize harm to her) I disclosed my porn use to my wife and began working on amends. Without working in recovery I am sure we would have divorced by now. As a direct result of working my recovery, our marriage has actually gained in strength.
For me I have been attending Sexaholics Anonymous meetings. You can find them in the menu here. There is also contact information and you can reach out to connect with a group near you:
I have also been working with a licensed psychotherapist at a sex addiction recovery clinic in my city. The therapy is helpful but if money is tight then working the SA program on its own works too.
Don’t give up. It is possible.
Thank you for giving me some links to get help. I am very tired of this addiction destroying so much of my life and felt like it was all falling apart around me. You letting me know and hearing your story has inspired me greatly to not give up. Thank you
I would highly recommend SA meetings. I was in the same situation and it’s very tough because it’s constantly in your head to act out. Where’s as drugs or alcohol you have to plan more to relapse if that makes sense. It can take 2-10 years to gain the trust back and unfortunately mine couldn’t heal with me. Take it a day at a time and good call on getting rid of social media and any potential triggers it’s a very good start.
Hello, fellow sex addict here. You want to earn back her trust? Actions over time equal trust. First, get rid of all pictures, phone numbers, and emails, and social connections of all of your exes. You are not to be contacting nor viewing profiles of any of your exes. Our partners often have one thing in common. They want to be viewed as our one and only. So make her your one and only. And yet, there are no guarantees. Her image you is completely gone. I would completely agree with her assessment that you still have an emotional attachment to the exes. Actions speak louder than words. So the consequence of losing the relationship can be a catalyst for change.
How did she discover that you were MBing to the pictures? Did she catch you red-handed?
Welcome to the community. Ive struggled with porn off and on for 25 years, but I’ve been married for 22 years.
- Shame won’t help. Be compassionate with yourself. Your not perfect, we all fall short many times. Bring transparent going forward with full honesty is critical.
- Worrying about whether she looks at you the same is an anxiety that won’t help. We can’t control other people’s emotions, all we can control is what we think about and our actions going forward.
- After i came forward yet again to my wife, she held resentment against me for years, and eventually, we got past it. But it takes time. I have locks on my phone to prevent me using certain apps, my wife can go through my phone anytime she wants. I’m current with her.
- I see a therapist to work on all my issues. It wasn’t just about sex recovery addiction, i wanted someone to help me across the board be a better man and be the best version of myself.
- Remember: we’re all in repair, were not together but we’re getting there. Regret Will only get you so far, it’s about what you do now going forward that matters.
Just focus on moving forward and one day in the future this will all be a very small thing. Don’t let it be a big thing to you today because it’s not going to be a big thing tomorrow either way.
It’s just sex and we are only human
It is not just sex. Sex addiction is not about sex, any more than alcohol addiction is about alcohol. It’s about an unhealthy relationship with it. It’s about deeper patterns and habits and beliefs, and it’s about breaking commitments and wrapping oneself in a web of lies and half-truths. It’s about broken trust and desperate addictive behaviours.
The transformation needs to happen from the root. More can be learned about this here:
I didn’t realize he identified as a porn addict, my mistake. Dunno how I missed that. Thanks for the information man.