I really hate recovery sometimes. Dealing with these emotions can be so draining. I understand that growth is an uncomfortable process. I just hit 30 days, and plan to continue doing the absolute best that I can on this journey.
Now that I have removed all negative coping skills from my life the feels are hitting me hard. I always swapped out the drugs for something else that was damaging for my physical and mental well being - I thought that because I was abstaining I was āin recoveryā. Now I have removed my former crutches such as sex, relationships, and alcohol. This has made staying away from the drugs a lot easier - as well as forced me into some real uncomfortable healing.
I have had a lot of resentments pop up towards my daughterās father. I will start by saying he is an amazing father, but an absolutely terrible romantic partner. Iāve gotten over the majority of the things that went on within the relationshipā¦ those things are in the past and donāt matter at present. But I hold onto some anger towards the way he treated me while pregnant, the way he treated me during delivery, the way he abandoned me in the hospital, and how horrible he was to me during the period in which I was recovering from a C-Section with horrible post-partum depression. This is the only child I intend on having, there are no do-overs for this situation and I cannot help but feel as though such an important moment of my life has been tainted by his negativity and selfishness.
I realize this is a situation in which I will never get the closure that I want. There isnāt a sorry he will be giving me. I have to learn to accept that. I canāt go back into the past and change what happened - and even if I could I still would not be able to change the way he acted. I control my actions and my responses as does he. If there was anything I could have done back then I would have done it, and I would not give my daughter up for anything. Things happened the way they did, and because of that I have an absolutely amazing kid that has pushed me to better myself and take accountability. I genuinely want to let go of these feelings, they serve absolutely no one.
I guess within this long ramble what I would love to know isā¦ How have you let go of resentments and anger towards people that you are forced to be around on a regular basis?
Very timely post. Funny how God works.
Firstly, you arenāt the only one experiencing this. My story is from a different angle but Iām 3 days sober from boozeā¦as Iām trying again to get cleanā¦and boy my mind is racing overtime!!
Yesterdayā¦for the first time ever since my ex wife and I split 5 years agoā¦my kids said they didnāt want to come home with me back to my house. I was blindsided and hurt and scared.
My ex and I split 5 years ago in large part due to my selfishness, although Iām not sure we were a good fit anyway. But I have apologised to her several times and to my children but canāt take back the past, and canāt force somebody to change their mind. The pain from the death of my family is still thereā¦even after all these years.
After our split I doubled down on being the best dad I could for my kids (then 6 and 4) and really invested. I prayed a lot and God listened. My partner and I (together since late 2019) moved into a new family home this past Dec. My vision was that even though it would never be the original familyā¦it would be a family of 6 (partner has 2 young kids) where we all work together as a team in love and support.
But yesterday, being told they didnāt want to come back to my house was really, really hard to take. It seems our new home and the permanence of it along with my partner and her kids has re-triggered in them the pain of the loss of what once was. So to avoid those yucky feelings they want to avoid my house. Mind youā¦this never happened before the move last year.
Ironically, well for the time being anyway, our attempt to create a loving, family home for our kids isnāt working (for my kids at least) and I worry as they grow up will want to spend less time with me.
So I carry resentment towards my ex for ending our family but heaps of guilt and shame towards myself for causing it. So it literally is all in the past, canāt be changed or remediedā¦and life has moved onā¦but pain is still there.
Iām only human and despite how I feel right nowā¦I just need to remain sober and trust in God things will smooth out.
The totally counterintuitive advice that I got: Pray for them.
Even if you donāt pray, sit and genuinely wish the best for them. Visualize the ways you want them to be happy and well. Ideally until you actually want it. Anytime you feel the anger rising.
Itās weird. Butā¦ itās worked for me.
Doesnāt mean I have to embrace them back into my life. It does let be at peace with them.
Otherwise, FWIW, this is also at the heart of what the twelve steps are about. To work through the parts we can do something about (ours) and let go of the bits we canāt.
I always love your posts so insightful and full of truth, bravery and pure wisdom.
I can understand the resentments towards a former romantic partner, I have a few of them, my kids mom was just as bad if not worse than I when I came to substance abuse. Also incredibly manipulative, some of the experiences I had in that relationship still shadow my relationships today. While we both have come along way and try the best we can for our kids, the relationship we had with each other has improved but there is still lingering resentments on both sides. I often hear from people that they canāt understand why Iāll never trust her, and such even though we are on good terms, I said cause that can change at any given moment.
My thing was growing up in an shitty family of which family member was going to take us in this week, was very toxic, and as much as I never wanted kids I had them, so i tried to build my own family dynamic, which failed, later I tried the well maybe fucking up once I can just fix it with someone else, it didnāt work, it always led down the same path, then I realized I wasnāt healing I was patching a gaping chest wound with a band aid, instead of healing I was patchworking my life away,
As I grow in recovery and how shitty feeling the feels can be, I tend to Discover new things about myself everyday, my relationship with my kids now teenagers gets stronger everyday. So while I still get the shitty feelings, I got great feelings, some of the friends I made in recovery are some of the greatest friends I had, albeit I met some shitty people too, but even as a normal human being (fuck normal I like being eccentric) Iād run into them as well
Iāve carried resentment towards my parents for years. Our family was dysfunctional and emotionally cold.
I made a decision to forgive them sometime in my late 20s. Not long after that I got myself into therapy. I had shoved my anger so deep down I didnāt even realise I was angry, hurt, disappointed and deprived.
My journey took me to first to acknowledging their wrong doings and how it made me feel. That was SO FUCKING BRUTAL. Then I needed to learn to comfort myself (still in process). Throughout all of this I kept choosing to forgive. I didnāt feel like forgiving bc it was SO UNFAIR what they did. Anywayā¦ Iām now in my late 30s, finishing up therapy and a lot more free in my relationship to my parents. Iāve started to have loving feelings towards them (never have before). Iāve not addressed them bc in our case, I donāt think it would do any good. They arenāt evil, they did their very best. I see so much love in that now.
Iām not saying you should have similar feelings towards your ex or anyone else. Iām trying to say it is possible to let go resentments and be free. It doesnāt mean you need to trust them. You are allowed to guard yourself.
In the end, having resentments towards someone is like youāre drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
so recognizable your whole story and about your ex. When I read your story, I immediately think back to my horrible, narcissistic ex who tried to make life miserable for me for years. The reason why that didnāt work is because I donāt wish it on him and Iām too proud. Iāve forgiven him no matter how hard it is. Not because he deserves it, but in the interest of my child and my future to be able to move on and to give all this a place. Whenever I got resentment or negative thoughts I tried to bend them into other livable thoughts. For example, what he did wrong to me is really not possible but then I think without him I wouldnāt have a child and if I try to put aside all negativity from him I have room for positivity for me and my child! I know, it sounds easier than it is. I wish you all the best and good luck with your recoveryš
I understand that growth is an uncomfortable process. I just hit 30 days, and plan to continue doing the absolute best that I can on this journey. 
Iāve gotten over the majority of the things that went on within the relationshipā¦ those things are in the past and donāt matter at present. But I hold onto some anger towards the way he treated me while pregnant, the way he treated me during delivery, the way he abandoned me in the hospital, and how horrible he was to me during the period in which I was recovering from a C-Section with horrible post-partum depression. This is the only child I intend on having, there are no do-overs for this situation and I cannot help but feel as though such an important moment of my life has been tainted by his negativity and selfishness.
