So I know my struggle with alcohol stems from deep anger and resentment due to being emotionally abandonded by my mother and the rest of my family. I was completely unseen as a child and that caused a big deep wounding.
Its been resurfacing because of my last relapse where i blacked out and all my stuff came pouring out. I understand the damage and hurt i have caused but i am also experincing a lot of anger right now because ive basically been shunned by a bunch of hypocrites. When i say that itās because these people drink the same amount i did if not more but because they dont black out and their emotions didnt take the reins they dont have a āproblemā.
I mean duh i clearly have a problem and the minute it became apparent how bad it was i promised myself to do the work that i need to do to be better. Its just infuriating to see the projections. And please not i am not trying to minimize my actions or get out of what i did. Im just frustrated that until the problem blows up people wanna be acting like they arent in the same boat (or about to be). Im frustrated because of lack of empathy and compassion.
Part of me is like oh well it is what it is. If people arent conscious of it yet thatās on them but also its deeply hurtful to be ostracized for doing what everyone else does but i just happened to lose control. Its also how condescending people have been when ive talked about the steps ima take for myself and to hopefully repair some relationships if the other parties allow it.
All i know is everything feels heavy and my heart feels like its breaking.
Edit; i also know at this point these people cant be in my life right now cuz of their drinking and what not. The lack of emotional intelligence and compassion is what gets me. Silly brain is like oh theyre in the same boat they should get itā¦not necessarily.
Edit 2 (sorry lol); was told i have work to do. DUH. I know my feelings are my perceptions and i aint trying to project that stuff (hence why i came to post this stuff here). Angry cuz i feel like people have decided i have no worth because i am stuggling with my humanness. And others perceptions of me shouldnt matter but can we talk about how much society devalues someone for struggling with the human experience and not having it all together (as if anyone does).
It might be the opposite. What Iāve seen with my former drinking āfriendsā was envy, denial, misunderstanding, blindness, spite, and some other nasty thoughts, emotions and projections aimed at me Iām forgetting now. Addiction makes blind. And the opposite of addiction is connection. Addiction makes antisocial.
Anger might be a good emotion to feel at this moment Lisa. When you manage to aim your anger towards addiction and its consequences some good might come out of it. Seems to me these people have their own struggles still to fight (or begin) and indeed at the moment are incapable of showing any empathy towards you. Sorry for that. Sounds like a bunch of addicts in active addiction to me. Glad you are here. Weāre in this together.
Thank you for this. Thatās the hard part. I can see where others are at and i want to be able to honor that without projecting my bullshit onto them. The hurt child inside is upset at the misssd connections. And im especially struggling cuz i wanna consider others (i been progammed since childhood to put others needs before my own) but i also need to consider myself. And theres a lot of fear of being misunderstood and ultimately being abandoned and alone.
I know from personal experience its hard to make space for the uncomfortable feelings to just exist and show me where ive neglected myself and that i need to come back home to self so i can only imagine the struggles everyone else is going through.
All of us are supposedly mirrors for one another so i can see what you mean and how all this is probably triggering for others.
And i know a good amount of my anger is because i havent given myself the compassion and empathy that im seeking from others.
Youāre describing me for a large part here. So this is where the work begins Lisa. You already have a lot of insight. Sober we can make these insights work to create an ever better version of ourselves. At times this can be lonely work, which is a bit of a contradiction because what we need to do is to go and look for connection. But for real connection to be possible, we first have to do the work on ourselves. And new connections will follow, maybe with new people, maybe with some you already knew.
Itās not easy. But itās bloody worth it I tell you. Itās a work of love. Love to ourselves first, then to those around us, and ultimately to the whole world. One day at a time and all that. Hugs.
Thank you, Lisa for sharing this topic. You have the insight to see what is happening. I admire you for that. And Menno, I admire your compassionate insight as well. Loving kindness toward ourselves is so important,
Also wanted to say thank you for giving me the persectives and experiences others might be having because anger can be very blinding and its hard to see the other side and whats truly happening around you when strong emotions are at the forefront.
Lots of good stuff from @Mno per usual. This community offers do much wisdom AND compassion. Iām glad you came here to vent. This is the place to do so.
Keep on the recovery wagon. AA helped and continues to help me stay in my lane and work on myself only, but I do understand your frustrations. As you heal in recovery, it will get better.
I held onto that kind of anger for years. I still work on ironing out some resentments. I think the shift for me happened when I finally admitted I have a problem. I am an alcoholic. Really admitting it, really accepting it as a non-negotiable truth moved the anger of built toward others back to me for wasting so much time and letting my addiction guide so many giant decisions. And even then, that anger doesnāt serve me because my wasted time is another non-negotiable truth, so now I just have to be mad at alcohol for being something so very present in life that can so quickly and so fiercely take so much more away from me. And Iām mad that I have this problem, but thereās only 1 thing I can do to win this argument- not drink ever so that alcohol doesnāt take away more. The ultimate revenge is staying sober. Does that make any sense? Hahahaha
Such good advice here! I was just thinking about Craig Beck and his book, āalcohol lied to meā. Really interesting perspective. He has a podcast called āHappy Sober Podcastā, and his book is available as a free PDF download. Straightforward, no BS stuff. Might be helpfulā¦