So had anyone notice or become aware of any problematic character traits or behaviours since being clean or sober? I reflect daily and have often been smacked in the face with reality checks when a defect has been exposed or ive come to recognize.
Its a very humbling experience owning your shit…
So recently I have become aware of my co-dependencies and what they actually look like in action. I can manipulate people… particularly partners, make them feel accountable to my feelings through subtle sarcasm and covert criticism, almost trapping them in the relationship. Emotional blackmail in some sense.
But well for me it was so subtle that even others couldnt see it. Trying to force security onto someone so I felt secure. Then when they call my bluff… I play victim to get it back to where I feel comfortable.
Now I know what it looks like I can change it.
Has anyone else uncovered things about themselves that it churns the stomach?
I’m sure everyone here has, even if they don’t admit it. Insecurity is my biggest (or not, who knows). This relates directly to fear and ego. Even being aware of it, it can still be very difficult to change. Therapy has been helping a lot.
I need to be kind - and humble - and seek to understand, sympathize, and support, before drawing conclusions. This is tricky for me because as one person in my recovery group observed (kindly but clearly), “Matt, you’re a person who likes to be right.”
I need to own my nature as a person with ADHD (which affects my management of time and resources significantly) and consciously make spaces where I can thrive and be healthy; I need to not just let my life be a shambles. This also means:
I need to open up more, share my feelings and needs, and ask for help, in reasonable, respectful ways.
Yes insecurities To me it is a trauma response which I either avoid or have intrusive thoughts. Feelings of inadequacy would be the driver for me as I had been hurt often and then felt worthless or rejected. So I would control my situations by isolating her or other controlling behaviours to avoid these feelings from reoccurring… which almost always surfaced regardless.
Great stuff Matt. I can relate to these things you have shared. Ive just recently got me a sponser and have had to be open with him. Hardest thing I’ve had to do in my recovery but necessary. I think I freak him out sometimes as he has never experienced the life I have lol. Ex criminal vs ex cop is quite the dynamic
Thanks for sharing. Insecurities is an enormous hurdle to overcome. Growing up in unsafe environments can cause this as well as heart break. Knowing the symptoms of your Insecurities is a huge step to recovery. Great stuff
I like how you described this. Im often the fix it man and always have an answer brewing instead of just listening. Ive found myself confused when I’ve given advice and then been told that I’m heartless or not even understanding. I’m like “of course I understand” lol
Really I understand my own answer and its way off.
I believe I’m getting better in this department. I was told “Take the cotton wool out of your ears and shove them in your mouth” I definitely hear that when it was said lol
I find myself realizing I have more than I thought. Being sober has offered so much clarity circumstances arise that reveal a new defect because my addiction often clouded it, whether it be I simple didnt care about it, or was too arrogant or ignorant to realize it. A lot of it come through humbling myself, realizing the power of knew knowledge as it comes and admitting that I dont know everything. To me that’s one of the most important aspects of being human but applying it to your sobriety is important to an addict. Living this new sober lifestyle is completely new well it should be so theres no way we can avoid living with our defect and expect to succeed
Welcome @iiathmos. Well said and humility is a God send. Recovery and sobriety is a very humbling experience and discovery of self is a blessing… even if the discovery is hard on the heart. Thanks for the reminder
To me it is a trauma response which I either avoid or have intrusive thoughts. Feelings of inadequacy would be the driver for me as I had been hurt often and then felt worthless or rejected. So I would control my situations by isolating her or other controlling behaviours to avoid these feelings from reoccurring… which almost always surfaced regardless.