I don’t know what my problem is, but I can’t seem to shake this depression even at 30 days sober from booze.
I thought I would start to feel normal by now. Really hope this isn’t my normal.
I’ve just been feeling like I’m at such a loss, and it is taking everything in me not to go hang out in my garage downstairs and just drink.
It’s like being in an abusive relationship. Like I feel like the booze is what I need to make me feel better, but if I go back to it, it’s just going to treat me like hell and abuse my body and spirit.
I am praying so hard for God to give me strength to just feel good and happy again. I hate the way I’m feeling right now. I am already laying in bed at 6PM, and I have been laying in bed since I got home at 4:30. I don’t feel like I can do anything. It’s a crippling feeling. All I want to do is cry about things I feel like I can’t do anything about.
I wish my life was so many things right now. I feel like I wasted so many years of my life that I could have really become something bigger than I am with booze. And I don’t get any do overs. All of those years are gone and who I could have been went with it.
I’m 37 years old now. I feel like I have wasted so many good years with alcohol and bad relationships.
I don’t know what to do. I just figured I would come here to vent my feelings out into the open because somehow this forum and community just makes me feel a little bit better about what I’m going through and not so alone.
That’s exactly what it is Working Mom. Great comparison. Only thing is you just broke free from it. But it is what you know, and the new you and your new life is scary sh*t. And yet unknown. A new life to build. So much work to do. Time for your feelings to come out now, tine to experience how you really feel, time to face what’s going on. Yes it’s overwhelming. It’s huge.
Yet free you are! You’re free to determine your own future. You need time. You need some courage. You need help. Get help. We can help. Peer to peer support like AA, SMART, other organisations can help. You’re not alone. Sharing helps. I’m glad you are here. Let’s do this together. Alone it’s too much. All success to you. Hugs and love.
Once I put down the drink and drug it took a few months of feeling depressed before I started to go the other way. My mental health and my addiction were intertwined, so therefore my recovery had to be as well. I used AA primarily for addiction, but learned a lot of very useful tools to improve my mental health. I used therapy, and medication when needed, to improve my mental health, but this also gave me more tools to use towards treating my addiction.
A good example is that through AA I learned the concept of surrender. I apply that to mental health by being more willing to engage in therapy by understanding that I can’t conquer my mental health. However acceptance (AA) makes it much easier to treat my mental health through therapy.
As part of our counselling, my wife and I recently took psych assessments for a range of things and I discovered I had a high likelihood of having depression. I still need a formal psychiatric assessment (which is a little more involved and has a medical component, not just psychological), but man when I heard that a lot of my general “down” feeling and persistent lethargy and listlessness started to make more sense.
When we work our sobriety all kinds of stuff we’ve been burying in addiction for years come to the surface and we have to face it. We have to “ride the wave” and trust that we can get what we need to make it through, sober and healthy. You’re probably going through that now: experiencing a part of yourself that you hadn’t been aware of before.
My name is Matt and I live with diabetes, ADHD, and now - maybe - depression. All of these are lifelong conditions but none of them has to chain me down.
I’ve had diabetes for nearly 20 years and in that time I’ve learned to manage my calorie and carb intake, and I pay attention to my diet much more than I did (though I still enjoy red velvet cake! ).
I’ve had ADHD since I was a child but now that I understand it more I see that it makes me aware of the potential in a situation much more than a neurotypical person is (because my attention isn’t channeled the way neurotypical attention is - which means I’m often noticing things others don’t notice).
I don’t know what I will learn from depression but I know it will teach me things I never could learn otherwise.
And all of these conditions make me able to empathize with others who have these or similar conditions - and that is meaningful to me. That is connection. I can help kids see that there are many ways to grow: you don’t have to be typical to be proud of who you are and what you do.
It is hard, I know. But don’t lose faith in what you are and what you can learn. You’re a good person, a worthy person, and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full self.
I keep wondering how much of these feelings (and mine as well) are a grieving process. Grieving years and moments we can’t ever get back. Saying goodbye to something we’ve relied on for so many years.
I can imagine it’s a lot of emotions we haven’t sat with for a very long time so it’s taking some time to process through it all?
Anyway- I appreciate your courage to reach out and am sending lots of light and hopes that the heavy weight lifts very soon for you.
I’ve been in the same place as you since about a week in. I’m now at 67 days, and I’m still trying to work through the heaviness. I’ve suffered from depression for most of my life, and I was told things like “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”, but we all know that’s impossible. We can’t simply will ourselves out from under the weight of depression, anymore than we can will ourselves out from under this emotional anguish. It takes perseverance, day after day.
Since quitting alcohol, I’m struggling to deal with the sense of grief I’m feeling. And that’s what it feels like… grief, loss, a void. At some point we have to reconcile with the fact that over-drinking, and all its ugly side effects, is a part of our history, but it doesn’t have to be our whole history. We have so much good to look forward to. We just need to give ourselves more time. Right now, I’m putting my faith in the support I’m getting here. If they say it gets better, then I’m just going to go day by day until it does.
That is good to know too. Maybe it will just take a few months for my brain chemicals to get balanced back out. I’m sure they are up there trying to figure out what to do with themselves without alcohol.
I have not had an assessment. I had a really great therapist in the past who helped me recondition from several years of being in an abusive marriage. I probably need a similar type of reconditioning from the relationship I had with alcohol.
I very much agree that it is probably part of a grieving process. It’s like going through a bad breakup so that absolutely makes sense. And I’ve had a longer relationship with alcohol being my “feel good crutch” than I have had with any romantic partner.
Thanks for sharing this Matt! This is exactly what I needed to see. It all makes a lot of sense just reading through some of the insight on that thread.
Very well said. I started drinking when I was 17, so it’s been a 20 year long relationship. It feels very much like going through a divorce. It’s so hard to cope with when everyone else around you is drinking and many activities are built around drinking. I start thinking to myself, “Why am I punishing myself? They are all drinking too.” Then I start thinking to myself that some of my friends get just as out of hand with it and overconsume like I did. So it’s not like I’m the “only one with a problem.” And then I almost justify my problem because of others having similar problems. But I have to reconcile that my problems are mine and others problems are their own. I’m only in control of fixing mine and doing what is best for me.
I’m reading a new book, only three chapters in, but I think it would help with the struggle of “wasted years”. It’s already opening my eyes to things I hadn’t thought of before. I’m trying to look at this as a time of learning. What it is this deep emptiness is trying to teach me, I don’t know yet, but I do know that I’ll come out of it a better person. You are young with so much more life to live and love to give. Although we can’t, and shouldn’t, forget what got us to this point, we have to focus on a better us.
So many good replies here @determinedworkingmom You are doing great and 30 days is amazing! It may feel like a huge struggle but remember, if you struggling it means you are still fighting. Keep fighting lady.
Sharing and reaching out is so hard sometimes. Im glad you did.
I did. Its helped me feel like I have people in my corner.
Its a fight for my life. I have a crew of coaches helping me adjust my strategy to win this fight. I have people cheering for me and celebrating my victories with me. Its here 24/7 at my finger tips whenever I need it.
Your on par with recovery feels. I was extremely depressed. I felt like a failure at everything. I had failed at staying sober so many times.
I felt feelings I had suppressed with alcohol. It felt overwhelming at times.
Reflecting back. I was extremely depressed as a drunk too. Why would I want to escape sober depression for drunken depression? Because its familiar.
This sober depression is scary. I don’t know what to expect.
But I didn’t drink and I processed my emotions with clarity of mind. I knew the things I had to fix in order to have a chance at finding serenity. I became willing to address those issues and began to fix things.
The support I had in my corner helped me walk through challenging situations without drinking. We celebrated my victories. My self esteem grew and my self confidence came back. The desire to drink got weaker.
Recovery has peaks and valleys. The peaks are awesome. Natural highs! The valleys can be gloomy and hard to crawl out of. Each time we crawl out of those valleys we get a piece of our true selves back. it adds up.
Healthy hobbies help me with depression too. Photography is a big one for me. I often figure out solutions to my issues while I’m wandering around with my camera.
The best advise I have ever got about my depression came from a mentor in AA.
Focus on solution as your going to bed instead of the problems. I wake up focused on solution, instead of swimming in my problems.
).
