Depression, crippling anxiety and personality disorder support group

Emotional Support
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You know what I think is great??? The fact that you are honest and intelligent enough to explain how you are feeling and to ask/wonder how it is possible to get past this… It’s amazing to me actually to see someone that many steps ahead in their journey to recovery of many including myself on where you are at toward a better life by applying themselves to learning from what they have been through… :clap::blush::100::100::100:

Of course you are feeling down and struggling not to hurt yourself and sometimes giving in when it all gets too much to take… You’re a human being… Your heart and mind needs TIME to heal… After your higher power (whatever that is for you) kicks in and lays the old to rest, give yourself a pass and TIME to heal… I did because I HAD to… My Demon’s (anxiety and depression, to name a couple) know no moderation… I can give one just a nibble and they will share it with their kind and manifest into a number that that I can not control… All the Angels in Heaven couldn’t even beat them… Only God can…

When I was at the saddest point in my life (2 year’s ago) I did not have this website, my attitude had ran off every friend that I had except those who were active user’s which I had to separate myself from to some extent to get better… Those that lived with me were upset with me and couldn’t really offer me much support to get well so I relied on the one source that I knew that could get me through it… His name is Jesus Christ :sparkling_heart:… A lot of people that I know give me the impression that they think that he stays hidden when we are doing thing’s that we shouldn’t… He doesn’t… He never left my side for even a moment by his choosing, I put him to the side to do my choosing just as I pushed away many other’s that loved me… I believe in calling out the source (depression, anxiety etc) for what it truly is to me… It’s demonic manifestations… The more you feed evil, the more it grows… My demonic forces had grown to a point in which I was unable to control on my own… They were trying to take my life so once Jesus stepped in and silenced them, I had to starve them to death and refuse to dig them back up because they know no moderation, their purpose is to destory us… But it took me TIME to learn this…

After getting clean I was still having really bad depressed feelings and Anxiety just as you are now and honestly, even a year later I was still running off people that loved me because I was still feeding negative thoughts and feelings… After learning this about myself I decided to eliminate all social media and I gave myself TIME to think, to feel, to learn… Sometimes to do that we have to understand that being quiet is a good thing… My mother used to say to me if you are ever unsure what to do keep your mouth shut and your eyes and ears open, it is there that you will learn… So I did just that… There’s a time to listen and there is a time to speak…

I just wanted to be normal, happy and healthy… I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get there like all those happy folks that I used to call fakes… So I thought about it and I asked myself when we’re you ever truly happy, productive and proud of who you were and how you treated other’s good despite some really bad circumstances??? My answer to her… More than 20 year’s ago I was… From there I allowed myself to mentally go back to the mid to late 90’s… Ya see back then I never allowed myself to match anyone’s attitude or efforts… I had my own and I applied my own and I treated people the way I wanted to be treated instead of how I felt that I was treated… My efforts were my own… I didn’t stop at half way because somebody else did, I picked up my struggles and I carried on… Sounds insane right??? Time travel lol… It is working… With TIME I learned that what used to take me day’s to emotionally recover from was turning into half day’s, then to hour’s then to minutes…

Last night I found myself asking a yet another question which was why did 2 out of 2 humans fail the first test of temptation??? Why did temptation even have to exist??? Am I even allowed to wonder considering if I know I will surely die… I researched it and was led to the Book of Luke… Which I recommend you read as well… Let’s go to the beginning… They picked from the only tree that they shouldn’t have… The tree of knowledge of good and evil… There was obviously something there that they were not ever meant to know until the TIME was right… The punishment was death… But they didn’t physically die right away… Perhaps their spirit did though… But did they LEARN from it??? I think ONLY God knows… I think I have no fear of surely dying because that person who feared is already buried…

Do I know that what I’m saying will fall on deaf ears and blinded eyes for many??? I absolutely do, it says so because it is already written in the book of life…

If anyone reading this takes nothing else at all from this… At least ask yourself… When we’re you ever truly happy, productive, proud of who you were, and treated other’s as good as you are in every aspect that you possibly could, and not treating them as good as they treated you or how you are feeling… Then I want you to go there and be YOU and be HAPPY and KNOW that you CAN be just that… I want you to choose the REAL you that you were always meant to be and never forget who you REALLY are… You are worth that!!! For those who don’t carry themselves quite as extreme as I may come across… Just know that you have two choices… You can do extremely bad or you can do extremely well… It is your life to live, but riding the center lane will get you injured…

I’m not God/Jesus, I’m not an angel, I’m not a demon… But no one will ever convince me that those thing’s do not exist… Depression and Anxiety are real, if you have it you know it is… That is something very evil that can’t be seen but it’s certainly there ain’t it??? Why would something great not be real??? These are questions to myself… I know how it feels to be lost… I believe that some are here to help us that maybe don’t even share our same struggles but do because they know that we all have our problems… I believe that some are meant to preach in a church and go to church… I believe that some of us are appointed to roll with the lost and to be the church… I also believe that this is God’s will and not my just my own… I don’t want anybody to ever have to feel like I have in order to learn but that decision has never been and will never be mine to make… I have faith that in TIME we will all have the answers to which we seek… God Bless you all in JESUS name… :point_up::blush::100::100::100:

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This. @driftwood, anxiety is a big part of my story. I’d not dealt with it well or consistently leading up to the worst of my drink, and eventually it ate me alive.

What changed this time around was finding a whole new way to approach things, and somehow the steps and support I found in recovery helped rewire more than just the way I looked at drink.

I would not compare to any others, as sometimes we quite need other kinds of help. I’ve also pursued those (therapy, CBT, etc) recently making sure to accept all the help that was available.

I can say getting to the root of what gnaws at us is pivotal to maintaining sobriety, and that lack of sobriety was absolutely a barrier that kept me from even seeking the help I needed.

For me though, I unexpectedly found that working the steps everyday turned out to be a simple recipe for facing that which I previously could not face alone.

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29

I hear you on the crippling anxiety and depression. Every now and again they jump up and grab me in such a way that breathing seems too hard and like my soul has been sucked out and replaced with aching emptiness. I drank at it for years, not realizing that I was messing up an already abysmal brain chemistry even more. I had some stints on antidepressants, but the constant booze never gave them a fighting chance to work.

Now? Things are much better. Having said that, I had a period of time from around 10-14 months sober where the depression came back and brought with it the worst anxiety I have ever dealt with. I was like what the actual hell? I’M SOBER! I AA! I DO MY STEPS! Why am I crazier than I have ever been?!?

For me, a combination of things had made a perfect storm. Unpacking the emotional wreckage of my life opened floodgates of stuff I had never dealt with. I was still learning how to live life, not just physically but emotionally sober. I found out that my hormones were a hell of a mess. Some Zoloft and some progesterone helped get me baseline stable again - and allowed the other things I do to have a chance to help.

When I feel myself slipping, I try to look at basic needs first. That old HALT thing gets me every time. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired…I have to do the best I can to manage those. I have to keep myself from becoming emotionally tapped out - and that looks very different in sobriety than it did when I was drinking. Who knew that I’m really pretty introverted - and that one of my favorite ways to spend time would be going to or watching concerts alone and just letting the music wash over me? I try to do things that involve my senses and get me out of my head. I garden and get my hands dirty as much as I can. I spend ridiculous amounts of time in eucalyptus scented baths with candles and Jerry Garcia for company. I chat every day with other friends who are also alcoholics, knowing that they will understand if I show them the crazy - and they will love me anyway.

What I know for sure is that sobriety did not bring me rainbows and bliss. What it has done, though, is bring me periods of peace - and the knowledge that those horrible dark times will pass, and I will feel okay again eventually…as long as I don’t pick up a drink.

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@driftwood Thank you for reminding me about Omega-3. I started taking them again today :+1:

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Pink thingy, lol.
You haven’t had the pink cloud? :grinning:

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@SoberVigilant Thank you for responding. That’s a lot to take in. I’ll bookmark and read when I can focus :+1:

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@MoCatt I’m not the OP, but thank you so much for your informative response :pray:

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@anon79808082 nope…never!!

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Dears,

After opening this thread, I was very quickly scared away from it, by simplistic answers: “why don’t you just try therapy” - later on that; “here, just study the wheel of soping mechanisms” - possibly useful, but very abstract in itself and requres some background info; or a very shocking series of hostile answers, that sounded less like support and more like attacks… towards a person that very openly came forward as suffering from depression, and seeking support.

But now I just have to come back, because I still suffer, still need input, and I am clearly unable to deal with this on my own.

@Buggy16 and @MoCatt - THIS! This is 100% my story. I finally came clean… and the weight of the years and years of drinking the pain away just fell on my head with full force. And I struggle to cope with it.

@Rob68 - I am on bipolar meds, and use a xanax when I absolutely lose it - but I checked on the forums, and apparently this also is not considered “real” recovery. The author of “The unexpected joy of being sober” is very open about how she used sleeping pills in her first few months, and it was necessary for starting her sober life - so for myself, too, I am just going to go with it when i need it.

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Continuing:

I live in Budapest. We don’t have plenty of AA meetings - we have 3-5 per day, all across town and some in very inconvenient hours and locations. Even the most secular I found was way too sect-like for me. They were good people (for the most part), and I do respect AA’s achievements in saving millions of life - but, as many of you know here, AA is a bleaaing for many, but does not necessary work for everyone.
Plus maybe it is a bit of an Eastern European issue, but 13th steppers seem to act real fast, and scare (relatively) young women like me away fast.

We don’t really have SMART around here.

And to be fair, I too think that I need therapy a bit more than the AA approach.

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And as for therapy: once again, being Hungarian and living in Budapest doesn’t help much.

Here, therapy is expensive (like everywhere), but the supply is way below the demand. I had so many therapists who turned me down… because I am complicated. Of course I don’t think i’m a great person, but d@ammit I need help, and help is hard to find.

The latest therapist I had, I turned him down. His idea was that I self-medicate with alcohol. When I told him I went to AA and chose full-on sobriety, he started musing how funny it was, because it’s as if “free will didn’t even exist”.
And I couldn’t bear the idea that I am paying up quite well, and instead of getting support, I somehow have to defend the validity of abstinence, as an alcoholic, and go into high schooler philosophy on free will, instead of getting the support I need.

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So, in conclusion:

I am still looking for the input of people who stopped their DOC - and then had to start fighting their demons, all while sticking to their sobriety.

I am collecting my little practical tips, like how I had to reduce my caffeine intake, because it makes irritability so much worse.
If you have something more holistic, even if relegious or very esteric, please go ahead. A coping mechanism is a coping mechanism, as long as it works and doesn’t harm.
If you have the neuroscience type, I am very much open to that - in fact, that is the most accessible for me personally.

And, @C_8 - thank you so much. I owe you.

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Hi @driftwood You absolutely don’t owe me. I obviously think it’s a great topic!!! I see my doctor on Monday. :+1::kissing_heart:

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I feel this way too. I think my drinking problem is a result of a personality disorder. I don’t want a support group where I sit and discuss how flawed I am for an hour. My self esteem already fluctuates between worthless and grandiose. The drinking comes from chronic emptiness. I just don’t know where to go from there. Two therapists down, neither helped much.

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Hey Brad. I have been reading Stanton Peele’s “7 tools to beat addiction”.

He was an avid ctiric of AA - for many reasons, and I do think some of them are not relevant anymore, and are based on mistunderstandings he just didn’t bother to clarify.

But one of his beefs, which resonates with me as well, as that sharing with peers how flawed we are, and iterating and reiterating on our awful past deeds and character flaw, isn’t really a way out. Not without also discovering our own strengths, and values, and the things on which we can build a life, and find the drive to do the things that are too precious to screw up with drinking.
Of course he doesn’t focus so much on personality disorders, but you might find him interesting. I personally found it very helpful with the drkinging part.

On an unrelated note, I just read from @ifs in another thread that finding a way to address mental issues and addiction at the same time can be very challenging, how the mental health community will often just gloss over your substance abuse as “self medication”, while sobriety support knows little about mental issues.
Ironic, considering how these things so often go hand in hand.

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I have lots to say on mental health recovery, and about my personal journey with it. But writing a general overview of my thoughts on either feels like a large, daunting task for me right now and will have to wait. But if you have questions for me on specific things in the meantime, I would love to help with that.

The super short version: I have been fighting very hard with mental illness, primarily BPD and anxiety disorders. I have tried many things along the way, and found many that help. I have stayed sober for a year so far.

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You should try AA instead of whatever you are doing then. I usually go there and talk about not drinking and all the gifts I have gotten from working hard and staying sober. I remember at first I thought that once I put the drink down my life would just instantly get better, but it didn’t. In fact some areas got worse. It wasn’t until I got my ego out of the way and put in the work did things get better for me. Took probably 6-7 months. That’s what I normally talk about in AA

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Thanks for the input @Englishd. I just have one question: was it AA alone that helped you, or were there other changes too, for improving your mind and your life overall? Either independently of AA, or as a result of it.

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@ifs , I realize you are struggling too, and most certainly wouldn’t want to be a burden. But, please write whenever you feel you have the strength.

My worst issue right now is anger. In fact, my worst problem for huge chunks of my life is anger. I wish it would just go away, but it will probably never will. I know you have this too. If you found and/or developed your own tools for managing anger, please share. If you are not up to the publicity and would rather PM, I’d still appreciate. If you would rather share in public, so others can learn oo, we’d still appreciate.

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With becoming know yourself is also coming a big responsibility for loving yourself. You know that it is yours and only yours choice who you want to be, right? You can always work on yourself. Build the person who you want to be. Act exactly how you choose. To be the best version of yourself is in your hands. You need to be very open minded. See “mistakes” you are doing and be able admit them without self-criticizing or self-blaming. All you need to do is learn and don’t repeat what you don’t like.
I was absolutely different person just about a year ago. But then I learnt that if I don’t like something what I do I just need stop doing it. E.g. I was jealous, without trust (and if you know my experience you wouldn’t be surprise why). But I felt like it’s unfair to be jealous without a reason. Unfair to see “things” in situations which were absolutly ok. My new boyfriend was afraid when I’ll be jealous again and why. I was making up things to just be able put him down. It was horrible behaving and I am happy that I realised that it doesn’t make him happy and nor did me. It took an energy and big portion of self-control to change my mind and way how I saw things. I had to think about things a lot, look at the situations more reasonably. Put my false emotions on the side and exchanged them for love. I realised how much I love my boyfriend and how much I was hurting him and that I was slowly destroying all nice we have together. And so I changed. And since then my life is way easier. Like to lose a stone from my heart and mind. I fully trust him and it gives an unbelievable freedom to me (and to him).
So you can do whatever you want. You can be whoever you want. Once you will realise that you’re the only leader of your life and the only person who can take control over your emotions and acting, then you can fullfill your life exactly how you want.

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