Depression, crippling anxiety and personality disorder support group

Dears. I need help. I need to feel i’m not alone. To be fair, I am pretty sure i am not alone. And yet, it just feels like i absolutely am.

I started my sober journey mid-September - and it was littered with relapses. I have been reading quit lit voraciously. And all those authors, who found revelation in sobriety, are raving about finally re-discovering their real selves that was hidden behind booze for years and years and sometimes decades. Isn’t that awesome? And inspiring? Don’t we all want just that, to be our real selves again? The one aware of their own values and priorities, and what makes us truly happy?

Well, two months into sobriety, i did not just bump into “the wall”. Instead, i too discovered my real self. A real self deep in depression, bursts of anxiety, nasty irritability, snapping out at everyone for the smallest stupidest reason. And i just burst out crying, at the smallest of stress. Not exactly this usefulest workforce.
And did i just relapse like there’s not tomorrow? Of course i have. Because i just couldn’t bear the self-hatred and the mental pain no more.

Now i spend too weeks off work, have a slightly elevated dose of mood enhancers and anti-depressants, and trying to scrape together all self-help resources.
I will be posting a bunch of these here, in separate posts. This may just end up my personal thread, but i trust the TS community won’t mind too much.

But if anyone related, or has their own techniques and strategies for facing their real self in sobriety and hating it with the fire of a thousand suns, please don’t hesitate to chime in and share your experience.

11 Likes

Action is the answer. The 12 steps provided me with a clear path of how to live life sober and most importantly how to enjoy life sober.

4 Likes

Did you have the crippling depression phase in early sobriety?
Did it help that? Did other people in the rooms have something like it?

On an unrelated note, i still don’t know why you were banned, but you are totally one of my favourite contributors to the forum.

3 Likes

To actually add to the mutual self-help part, i am also going to share resources, which may or may not be helpful, but are probably worth a try.

Let us start with this one:https://archive.org/details/TheUpwardSpiralByAlexKorbPhD.UnabridgedAudiobook5.34Hours/

FYI, you don’t have to listen to the 5 hour thing in one sitting, it can play chapter by chapter. It you don’t have like 5 hours straight.

Plus, on the same site you can access the epub/pdf versions: https://ia803006.us.archive.org/18/items/TheUpwardSpiralByAlexKorbPhD.UnabridgedAudiobook5.34Hours/The%20Upward%20Spiral%20by%20Alex%20Korb.pdf

1 Like

I’m only on day 31, but I can totally relate. Was expecting the honeymoon (pink cloud) phase to have kicked in. Instead my therapist has suggested that I talk with my doctor about going on SSRI meditation. I have an appointment in 9 days.

I haven’t craved alcohol this week (too much), but I feel awful. I can barely do the basics. Leaving the house is a herculean effort.

I am trying to stay off here a bit now. as I don’t want to be a downer, and I can’t relate to the ‘happy’ posts at all.

People with good knowledge and wisdom do say that sobriety isn’t linear, and to be patient. I trust them. :pray:

Hugs and take care x :hugs:

7 Likes

I was a mess. Initially I was treated for bi-polar because I would have long periods of manic behavior followed be deep depressive episodes. Most likely caused by my drug use. Most people batting substance use also have an underlying mental health diagnosis so you would be in good company.

8 Likes

He was not banned, he was suspended…very different things. Several people HAVE been banned and that means not allowed back. Derek was given a 30 day suspension after accumulating 22 flagged posts over time. That is likely the last time anyone will be accumulating that many before getting a suspension. Hope that helps clarify for you.

I thought it was 23. Don’t short-change me!

2 Likes

I thought it was 24, but your stats now say 22. Perhaps a couple were rescinded??

2 Likes

I always felt as though my alcoholism was a symptom of much bigger issues. Situations in my young life caused me to grow up very fast and didn’t much enjoy being a child. I was insecure, I had been abused so I had a warped views on love and relationships. I started drinking when I was 16 and never stopped. It was the only thing that helped me with my crippling fear of intimacy. I had one short stint of sobriety several years back but even at that time I knew I wasn’t done. When I stopped drinking I was experiencing everything you just described. Panic attacks so bad I thought I was dying. Crippling anxiety to the point I wished I had. The alcohol no longer worked to numb all the pain I ignored for so long. When I stopped I thought it would be over…but now I was forced to deal with the things I refused to acknowledge all this time. So I was a basket case at times. I have learned some coping skills and try not to allow my darker thoughts to drift too far because I can’t go to that place again. I know for myself I cannot do this on my own. Mental health has such a stigma still but there is no shame in asking for help :pray:t2:

4 Likes

It also says 3 warnings!!

1 Like

Yeah, I did find my true self again. Still dont like him though.
Completely honest there’s nothing more I’d like to do than get wasted and crawl back behind my wall. At least that’s familiar, it’s all I know.

But that wont make me happy either. Working the steps is a way of progress, but not a road to happiness. I can unlearn, I can drop wrong behaviours, but without an alternative I don’t know what to do instead of my old ways.

So yes, I’m scared for that future as well.
But fact is somethings gotta change and getting wasted isn’t gonna do it.

This is step 2 and 3 work. Let go, stop dictating the outcomes and Just have faith in all those you refer to in the above quote.

Not a fucking clue how they got that happy peace of mind, but they did. So can we.

10 Likes

patience. time takes time, but it will happen.

4 Likes

Depression = slightly worse than when drinking.
Anxiety = no.
Irritable = yes.
Stress = horrible.
Insomnia = yes.
Pink thingy = never happened.

I’m on two doses of wellbutrin, AM and PM…helps a little. I think a normal sleep pattern would help considerably.

3 Likes

Thanks for the input, community.

I still want to go on sharing self-help resources, to keep up with the promised “mutual support” idea. I also found this, recently:

One of the things i tried as seasonal depression hit in was omega-3 supplementation. I checked a coupe of reliable resources, and it turns out it does help, as long as long as the EPA content reaches 1000 mg at least, and the DHA content is around 500 mg. Usual “1000 mg” pills do have 1000 mg of something, out of which EPA is like 160 mg and DHA 100 mg. So you should take like 6 of them to reach the starting amount. Or keep searching for better quality omega-3 supplements.
(Also, you don’t actually need the omega-6 and 9, which is sufficiently present in a normal diet. It doesn’t even have to be a particularly healthy one. These are in literally everything that is fried, or has any form of plant oil in it.)

2 Likes

Who… What authors? Is this a projection your making based on your own expectations of sobriety onto “authors”?

I too had expectations for sobriety, and when I saw reality, I honestly wanted to take my life. With help, I realized I needed to be honest with myself, my process. Grieve, seek help, struggle, let go… Now? I love my life & my Self. But nothing came easy or without effort. And I would never use pink cloud as a way to describe where I am, or how I got here. It’s just progress.

4 Likes

Catherine Gray: the unexpected joy of being sober
Jason Vale: kick the drink… easily!
Clare Pooley: the sober diaries

None of them claims their early phase was easy. But also none of them claims their early phase would have led to crippling depression, or inability to work due to outbursts of anger or uncontrollable crying in public.

Dear TS community, i do understand this is tough for everyone… but my goal with this thread was really to share coping strategies for those who cope with prolonged and (near) debilitating breakdowns in our early sobriety.

4 Likes

You can share all the omega’s you want, I think you have to be responsible for how you discuss this as well.

A coping strategy in early sobriety, and something we learn to do which helps us towards a stronger self is devictimization & accountability.

This wheel bellow can offer you, anyone insight into coping.

4 Likes

I totally understand what you’re asking for, and was looking forward to practical advice and support from members who have been through this.

I suspect that those of us suffering really need to seek and rely on professional help. The last few posts here, are, to me, absolutely bizarre!

2 Likes