Dears. I need help. I need to feel i’m not alone. To be fair, I am pretty sure i am not alone. And yet, it just feels like i absolutely am.
I started my sober journey mid-September - and it was littered with relapses. I have been reading quit lit voraciously. And all those authors, who found revelation in sobriety, are raving about finally re-discovering their real selves that was hidden behind booze for years and years and sometimes decades. Isn’t that awesome? And inspiring? Don’t we all want just that, to be our real selves again? The one aware of their own values and priorities, and what makes us truly happy?
Well, two months into sobriety, i did not just bump into “the wall”. Instead, i too discovered my real self. A real self deep in depression, bursts of anxiety, nasty irritability, snapping out at everyone for the smallest stupidest reason. And i just burst out crying, at the smallest of stress. Not exactly this usefulest workforce.
And did i just relapse like there’s not tomorrow? Of course i have. Because i just couldn’t bear the self-hatred and the mental pain no more.
Now i spend too weeks off work, have a slightly elevated dose of mood enhancers and anti-depressants, and trying to scrape together all self-help resources.
I will be posting a bunch of these here, in separate posts. This may just end up my personal thread, but i trust the TS community won’t mind too much.
But if anyone related, or has their own techniques and strategies for facing their real self in sobriety and hating it with the fire of a thousand suns, please don’t hesitate to chime in and share your experience.
I’m only on day 31, but I can totally relate. Was expecting the honeymoon (pink cloud) phase to have kicked in. Instead my therapist has suggested that I talk with my doctor about going on SSRI meditation. I have an appointment in 9 days.
I haven’t craved alcohol this week (too much), but I feel awful. I can barely do the basics. Leaving the house is a herculean effort.
I am trying to stay off here a bit now. as I don’t want to be a downer, and I can’t relate to the ‘happy’ posts at all.
People with good knowledge and wisdom do say that sobriety isn’t linear, and to be patient. I trust them.
I was a mess. Initially I was treated for bi-polar because I would have long periods of manic behavior followed be deep depressive episodes. Most likely caused by my drug use. Most people batting substance use also have an underlying mental health diagnosis so you would be in good company.
He was not banned, he was suspended…very different things. Several people HAVE been banned and that means not allowed back. Derek was given a 30 day suspension after accumulating 22 flagged posts over time. That is likely the last time anyone will be accumulating that many before getting a suspension. Hope that helps clarify for you.
I always felt as though my alcoholism was a symptom of much bigger issues. Situations in my young life caused me to grow up very fast and didn’t much enjoy being a child. I was insecure, I had been abused so I had a warped views on love and relationships. I started drinking when I was 16 and never stopped. It was the only thing that helped me with my crippling fear of intimacy. I had one short stint of sobriety several years back but even at that time I knew I wasn’t done. When I stopped drinking I was experiencing everything you just described. Panic attacks so bad I thought I was dying. Crippling anxiety to the point I wished I had. The alcohol no longer worked to numb all the pain I ignored for so long. When I stopped I thought it would be over…but now I was forced to deal with the things I refused to acknowledge all this time. So I was a basket case at times. I have learned some coping skills and try not to allow my darker thoughts to drift too far because I can’t go to that place again. I know for myself I cannot do this on my own. Mental health has such a stigma still but there is no shame in asking for help
I still want to go on sharing self-help resources, to keep up with the promised “mutual support” idea. I also found this, recently:
One of the things i tried as seasonal depression hit in was omega-3 supplementation. I checked a coupe of reliable resources, and it turns out it does help, as long as long as the EPA content reaches 1000 mg at least, and the DHA content is around 500 mg. Usual “1000 mg” pills do have 1000 mg of something, out of which EPA is like 160 mg and DHA 100 mg. So you should take like 6 of them to reach the starting amount. Or keep searching for better quality omega-3 supplements.
(Also, you don’t actually need the omega-6 and 9, which is sufficiently present in a normal diet. It doesn’t even have to be a particularly healthy one. These are in literally everything that is fried, or has any form of plant oil in it.)
Catherine Gray: the unexpected joy of being sober
Jason Vale: kick the drink… easily!
Clare Pooley: the sober diaries
None of them claims their early phase was easy. But also none of them claims their early phase would have led to crippling depression, or inability to work due to outbursts of anger or uncontrollable crying in public.
Dear TS community, i do understand this is tough for everyone… but my goal with this thread was really to share coping strategies for those who cope with prolonged and (near) debilitating breakdowns in our early sobriety.
Professional help is usually the best way to address mental health issues that may be more than just getting sober. I was on medication and saw a psychiatrist regularly for the first 6-7 months of sobriety. I also did REBT therapy and had a counselor. I learned that feelings are not facts and how to cope with situations. That being said, the stuff I learned in AA was still more beneficial to me. Acceptance. Prayer. Meditation. Being of service.
Thanks Derek. I do absolutely see me becoming a regular AA attendee. Soon.
I am getting better at the ‘feelings are not facts’ aspect, and EMDR therapy has been incredibly beneficial regarding flashbacks and grief.
I can’t describe in words (even to my husband or therapist) what goes on when I have the overwhelming feeling of … I don’t know what the word is… All I know is that when it happens, I can’t do anything, and it can last, in varying degrees of intensity, for days.
I do have lots of things in my toolkit that are so far working re: not drinking, but not re: ‘this’. YET. I guess I’m still a work in progress.
PS: I have used the coping wheel for months. But for ‘this’, whatever it is, it’s as useful as a chocolate teapot.
PPS: Today is better than the last few days. No work today. Correlation?
First off, a chocolate teapot seems really useful. Secondly, the process of addressing mental health is s long term and has its ups and downs. The key is to stay consistent with therapy, medication and recovery in order to have positive long term gains
