Determined to get to first meeting today

I had 100 dollars in assets and once again BF admitted to having "bad thoughts."
Of course after he said that i started thinking it myself.
He was drunk,I also quit my job because it turned out to be 2-3 hour shifts,fought with him all day because he lies,I believe he cheats,accuses, has had some girl who’s started trouble over and they lied about who she was though I knew.
Fill in the blanks, most of us have lived this reality.

I haven’t slept well,but yesterday was another restart for me and I’m sick of it.
I have been so I’m going.
I am extremely nervous, every time I talk about going he wants to go with me and I couldn’t think of a worse idea.
He’s accused this of being a “sex sight” has told me I’m meeting some guy and his girlfriend here and says if I want to go to NA meetings alone it’s to meet someone.

All this while high or drunk yet I don’t think he feels much different sober, he just keeps it in.

It’s such a simple thing to do,walk through a door,sit down,yet at the same time it feels like I’m going to be at terrible emotional risk from sabotage or being followed or taking him so he can monitor me.

I have to do it though,I have to get my life together and get free of him and get an understanding of my addiction and anger myself.
Thank you for listening it means a lot.


Good luck at your first meeting. You’re doing the right thing by putting yourself first in your sobriety.

It sounds like you’re in a pretty toxic situation so I’m sure that’s making things much harder. You’re stronger than you know! Follow your instincts, they seem to be pointing you in the right direction!

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Man, that sounds like an awful situation. Good on you and your determination to do what’s best for you even in the face of his abusive behaviour.

Keep on putting yourself first, you 100% deserve it!

Yes,yet when I’m hurt I hold a grudge,it’s hard to let go,accept any good.
He and I both have bonding and abandonment issues most of the souls here feel or have felt that way.
He does have a delusional disorder,Tri polar, and adopted raised in an Italian family on the east coast.
I know in old neighborhoods like that,family lines are remembered, scrutinized,which block or area your from says a lot about how you get along, and everyone knows your business or thinks they do.
So a born outsider,with mental stuff,it is hard to deal with.
And when hurt I will not,not, not let go,I become shrewish,sharp tounged,and just as mean.
It is important for me to get to therapy so I can learn coping skills,you reminded me of that.
But yeah,It helps to have you all here no matter what stage your at,I care deeply about everyone of you.
Your posts and support,make me cry,make me think, and give me a place to turn when I don’t even want to discuss it with my closest friends.

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