Hey everyone! I have been gone a while. I am safe and I have missed you.
So I relapsed a month before my two year sobriety anniversary. That was beginning of May this year. I drank twice in May. Not a single time in June. Then again 4 times in July.
It hasnāt been similar to the way I have been before. No blackouts. Havenāt hooked up with anyone. No drugs. Just fun. So I guess the thought of moderating is lurking at the back of my head. But the last time I drank now, I went out to a bar with my friend. Had a cider. It tasted bad. And he kept ordering beer. I didnāt feel like continuing drinking even though I had already given myself āpermissionā. Took water instead. Just one cider and I knew in my head that I didnāt like it, not the taste, not the feeling, none of it.
But now that I went back to it, I am once again lost and conflicted. I am not drinking too much, but I donāt like any of it, I am afraid of losing control but at the same time I want to lose control? I donāt like it yet I look forward to it. I havenāt felt this way in two years, because I have been sober obviously.
Anyway, reporting back to the forum on day 3. Guess I need to start actively working on my sobriety again and staying in contact with peers. Thatās where I went wrong.
Thanks! Yeah, it isnƤt sustainable just because for now it is working. It just is so hard to ge back on track. I feel alone, lonely and just having hard time connecting. Staying motivated. Lacking routine. etc. But gotta do the work again to stay sober and find meaning in life.
Welcome back @Jennajen Its good to see you again. You have a thoughtful, observant, reflective-inquiring way of sharing and communicating. You are a unique and valuable human.
Control. Control, control. We are funny creatures, us humans.
It might be interesting for you to take some time to dig into what control symbolizes for you. āControlā can be a lot of different things; maybe take some time to ground it in some specific things you can think of.
I had a conversation with my therapist last week about how I felt like I wished _____ had been different for me. He suggested that I write two stories: one which is the story of me as I am now, one which is the story of me as I imagine I would be if Iād had _____. (This could also be done with two letters: one from the first situation person, one from the second. Like letters to yourself, or to a person who youād like to write them to.)
And to quote Jennajen in her advice in a thread from earlier days:
āthese arenāt things you have to āproveā to yourself, you should do them because they make you feel good, not because you are trying to please everyone.ā
Sheās a wise soul. Thereās a heart in there with the depth and strength of the earth. She will find her balance. She always does, when she looks into her heart.
Welcome back .
I find this interesting. You are āmoderatingā, the holy grail that many if us want. Honestly, I would moderate if I thought I could. But here you are saying even successful moderation is unsatisfying. In the end we donāt want what we think we do. And being in that place must be puzzling and lonely. Glad you have decided to work again on sobriety as the only answer to the conundrum.
As addicts , we have to stay in Recovery to stay sober , Iām glad you identity where you went wrong, Iām a recovering addict , if Iām not in Recovery then I will be an addict.
Hi Jenna! Iām glad your back. And back before the bad started. Because as alcoholics Iām pretty sure it eventually will. Moderating is just a dream for us. Doesnāt work. Start doing the things you did before ā¦the things that helped you have almost two years of sobriety.
I not only canāt moderate. Quite frankly I donāt see the point. I am so much happier alcohol free. And if I did drink one, well might as well make it 15 or soā¦ā¦
Welcome back Jenna.
For me my drinking which began later (no control at all, now that I type it: it was at the same timeā¦) Was maybe a release button for my ED which I started off with anorexia and later bulimia. From total control to no control. Seemed that I had used up all my control and then got into numbing myself with alcohol.
@JasonFisher Thanks for sharing Jason. That is why I have come back - it seems like moderation could work for me now based on these experiences, but I know better and I know you know it better, so I need to come back. It is just difficult to kind of quit when I am in the āgoodā place still, so the romantization is there. You sharing helps me, really. Thank you.
@Matt Thank you Matt. My head is still not at a place where I can do that thought experiment, but I will try and come back to it. Just want to be honest that when it requires a lot of thought, my head becomes blank and frustrated. I appreciate you and your reply, as always. Thank you.
@Misokatsu Thank you Flo. Yes, it is puzzling to be at this place - it is working in practice, but it still isnāt what I want. But now I have to start from almost zero to get back to understanding what I want and need. And it is lonely, so lonely. Glad to be back and know I am accepted and supported here.
@S0BERman yes, I thought almost two years of sobriety meant that I could start focusing on other things. Well, I should focus on other things as well, but I can never stop being vigilant and prioritising my sobriety.
@Mbwoman Thank you! Yes, it is true. I logically know that it would have progressed and quite fast. Already saw it from two times a month to four times in a few weeks. I will get back to recovery.
@Bobbyw I agree with you. Two years I was happy and not interested in drinking and I could lean on my recovery and my support. Moderation isnāt for me.
@anon74766472 Thank you. Yes, the lack of control or excess need for control is always there in everything I do. Not just drinking. So better just not have to think about ācontrollingā it and stay sober. Then maybe I can slowly work on the other parts where I struggle as well. Thank you for sharing. I am glad I am back as well.
I get that. Psychologically, that sounds a bit like dissociation: the mind shuts down, as a protective mechanism, as a survival strategy.
Another way to dig into this would be through more physical and/or artistic things, like yoga, dance, martial arts, sculpture, music, painting, sketching, etc. These arenāt cognitive things; you donāt have to have āa plan step 1 step 2ā of what youāre going to do; you just follow your gut.
But Iām speculating & I may be speaking out of place. I am making some guesses and I may be off
You are a good person Jennajen and you deserve a safe, grounded life where you can be your full self. You belong, and you matter.
You came back hereā¦and the good thing is we always can! Iām glad you are choosing sobriety again. Way better than drinking, drugging, wasting time, wasting away!
@Matt yes I think it might be partially dissociation (I have dealt with dissociation my whole life, especially in the form of derealization) but also partially that I just have really difficult to focus and start new complex tasks especially. I am sure it is a good excercise, just need to take it when I have the ability to focus. But the activity based ideas are really good, thanks Matt - funny enough I have just been watching to get into a handful of those the last week! Just felt like they might really help out.
Hi! Iām new to the forum and just read your post. As others have said, welcome back. Relapse happens, and I know Iām just a drink away from the disaster my life was when I was drinking. Donāt be hard on your self.
Its good to see you again. You have a thoughtful, observant, reflective-inquiring way of sharing and communicating. You are a unique and valuable human.
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started. Because as alcoholics Iām pretty sure it eventually will. Moderating is just a dream for us. Doesnāt work. Start doing the things you did before ā¦the things that helped you have almost two years of sobriety.