I’ve had a really good day today I’ve been outside most of the day, some gardening work, some relaxing and reading time. I love being out in nature, its like a balm for my soul.
Even though it has felt strange and a little sad not to be back to teaching, and I’m a little nervous about money, I can recognise that my stress levels are much lower than usual.
The pressure of trying to be the best teacher (that drive for perfection again) as well as running a house and being a good mama and wifey left me pulled in all directions and never feeling I’d given/done enough to any aspect of my life; It left me feeling I wanted to escape from adulting sometimes, and I did this through incapacitating myself through drink.
Points to consider to help me heal and keep the demon drink at bay:
I need to learn to manage and accept life’s stresses.
*I need to let go of past anxiety, stress and shame.
*The present moment is the only thing I have control over.
*I need to make proactive choices in life to try to reduce stress and anxiety.
*I need to learn to say ‘no’, whether to others, or to myself, so I don’t take too much on.
*Learn to live life at 80% (and this means 80% of what I can actually do, not what I think my 80% should be) that way when I need to give 100%, I’ve got the reserves in the tank to be able to step up. No-one can live life at 100% all the time=burn out.
*keep practicing gratitude and meditation. I need my mind to be strong right now, my body will follow.
That is all for now.
Editing to add these in from a list @RoseCityRonin left on another post. I hope you don’t mind me adding them in here Lance? I’ll remove if you do but they just really chimed with me.
The 4 Fs of Life:
Find your purpose
Forgive your past
Focus on your future
Fuel your future
Don’t place expectations on people/situations because expectations are a pre-meditated resentment
What a beautiful post, Kiki! Thanks for sharing it. Great insights that inspire me to continue working on myself as well. As for Kiki Dee and Elton John, I had a front row seat, because my friend was working for our university newspaper at the time. He was assigned to take photos for the event. Lucky me indeed!!
Nice share Kiki.
Trying to be the best, or in my case perfect, is so draining. And stressful. And exhausting.
I tend to feel guilty when I give myself a break. Like I’m not doing anything I’m learning that’s good for me.
Keep up the great work.
See you on the G-Thread
Wow, there’s not many people who can say that in the world-best seats in the house for sure!
So glad you can find thevideas useful as well for your recovery
Aah, thank you. I thought it was important to get it down whilst it was running through my mind so I can use it for future reference!
Yes, this! It basically sums up my life…always feeling I have to be on the go, and I have to do everything to the best of my ability. I really am starting to realise that the need to escape this mindset, and not feeling I am “allowed” a break, was a big factor in my escapism drinking. Therefore, the most important part of my recovery is going to be changing this mindset. I am currently working on this by having a cuppa in bed with doggo cuddles…the washing can wait
I’m glad it can be useful for you too-we’ve got this
It’s been a nice relaxing Sunday. I did a dog walk I’ve not done for a while. I’ve been avoiding it as it was a route I always used to walk with Jethro
I’m glad I did it though, doggo loved it and it’s not fair him missing out because Jethro’s not with us anymore. Miles of fields at the back of our house and no-one else ever walks there.
I had a dream last night. Very vivid and hyper realistic.
I was moving out of a house with my ex (from 13 years ago, co-dependent hard drugs relationship). We were both leaving and I was packing clothes and furniture into a white van. It was a van being driven by a woman I knew he had been sleeping with (he was habitually unfaithful) and I was passing her her clothes she had left in the room and being polite and chatting to her. She was on her way to deliver some tandem bikes which were in the van, that was her job in the dream.
He didn’t seem to have anything going into the van, but we were both sharing it to move out to separate places, I assume he was going with her. I went back into the house one last time and saw all the walls were really crumbling, like honeycomb, the girl was there and she told me the name of the rot in the walls but I can’t remember it. I woke up before we drove off but the thing about this dream was that it was all so amicable!!! I have had so many nightmares about this relationship and felt so much anger, shame and resentment towards my ex and our relationship but there just…wasn’t any of that. I was calm, I didn’t mind where he was moving on to, I wasn’t mad at him, full stop.
Now, I have been doing pretty much daily meditations focused on letting go of grief and on forgiveness-is this just coincidence or is this a sign that my subconscious is starting to let go of some of the bullshit past? I have woken up feeling lighter and free, I’ll take that any day.
i see it as a part of your subconscious saying a gentle good bye. It packed up and left (no forwarding address) and left you with waking up feeling lighter and free
I totally love this dream. Hope you had a good time out tonight
Aah, I do too. It really did feel like it helped shift something inside me, I feel much more peaceful
I had such a fun night out. We’re not talking glamour here, it was our village’s annual pie and beer festival
I had a great time though, I caught up with some people from the village I’d not seen for a while and they had a great country band on so I did some dancing @Dazercat you’d have been proud
They had some good NA gins, with fancy mixers and berries in proper glasses, so no-one even mentioned me not drinking. I took the doggo as well, so when I needed a timeout from people (frequently) I used him as an excuse to walk around and have some quiet time.
Considering it was a night which revolved around drinking, it didn’t even cross my mind that I wanted a drink, it just wasn’t an option. That feels good!
I woke up today hangover free, made pancakes with my daughter and went for a windy dog walk before prepping for my interview tomorrow. I’d have spent most of the day day in bed if I’d been drinking the devil’s piss last night.
Woo hoo, onwards and upwards .
I’m just checking in here as I’ve really been having some urges today
I’ve not felt inclined to act on them but it’s just like I’ve been aware of everyone drinking and having a good time on TV. I’ve been feeling a pang of, I don’t know, maybe nostalgia/like I’m missing out…it’s strange.
I’ve been reading back though my posts and the threads on here about why people stopped drinking. I know I don’t want to drink and I know absolutely no good will come of it. It is scary how sneaky that fucking voice can be though. It is also insane how much drinking is normalised and glamourized on TV. I think it’s maybe also because I have some free timd this week as my daughter is on half term and I don’t see all my students this week. I need to get a plan together and fill that time with some fun activities. Fuck you fuckface. I stopped poisoning myself daily for a reason and I’m NOT about to start again now
AFAF ODAAT
FUCK YOU FUCKFACE – love this — scream it loud. Grateful that you came here, read through the threads and your previous posts. Remember why you are on this path and how hard it has been to get this far. I am so vey sorry for the urges and Yes - those bastards are sneaky.
The normalization of drinking and making it seem like such a romantic idea is so disgusting. Grateful for this community and our tools.
Be proud of yourself for using the tools today and overcoming this battle.
Thank you @JazzyS. Yeah, I think it just caught me off guard today. A good reminder that a **big ** part of recovery is remaining vigilant and mindful Especially in a society where it is not only seen as acceptable to drink, but oftentimes seen as strange if you don’t!
I’ve been outside most of the day, some gardening work, some relaxing and reading time. I love being out in nature, its like a balm for my soul.
I’m learning that’s good for me.
Glad you had a great day!
Awesome job on 90 days! So glad to see you’re doing so great