I think the fact that ur aware of this and realizing how it negatively effects ur life is huge! And like was already mentioned, u do have amazing self awareness! 
I think it will just take time like u said and ya there’s probably a few layers to sift thru but ur doing amazing!! I really feel like uv made progress in alot of areas of ur life. Be gentle with urself cuz these are big changes ur trying to address 
hugs!
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I’m chiming in with @Butterflymoonwoman with survival skills and talking yourself out of that mode 
I have similar issues and started to deal with those in therapy.
To take things deeper, you can trace your survival skills into your past to find an event or a season when they were formed. With me, it included my mother too. You can now help your younger self to deal with those issues as you should have been back then: acknowledgement, comfort, forgiveness etc. Through it all you can start to discern that if you overreact or become numb in the now, it can be that you’re experiencing feelings of younger you that have gone untended for years. It’s easier to “talk yourself out of” a situation when you understand root causes. It’s an ongoing process.
Change IS possible and you’re worth it!!
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I’ve had therapy for reasons surrounding my childhood which helped massively, just not this particular problem because I’ve only recently become aware of what it actually is and been able to trace it back to the root cause.
I think today I’m going to get intouch with a staff member from rehab as I’m still attending continuous care weekly following the 12 week IOP that I did. Least I can talk it through to them or they can point me in the right direction, they may even refer me to a councilling service so I will do that today!
Edit: I’ve also just rang my GP for an appointment to see if I can be referred to a psychologist to get a diagnosis. I’ve known for a good while now I’m not “right” but the longer I’m sober, the more apparent my disorderd thinking becomes. I’m medicated for anxiety and depression and I KNOW I definitely had/have PND after I had my daughter but I’ve never had a diagnosis… I suspect PTSD or CPTSD (which I know isnt in the DSM but it is a THING as far as I’m concerned) too. I know we’re not supposed to diagnose ourselves it’s just after years or trying to cure myself, I’ve researched a lot and also worked in the mental health field. I tick many of the boxes unfortunately… well anyway, I’ll chat with the doc and see what they say. Cant do any harm.
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Hi Jen,
Just listening to your story just resonates with me from what I’m gathering you experienced a lot of bullying growing up amongst your family which is really sad.
Unfortunately experiencing that kinda trauma during your formative years, easily translates into your adulthood. And often you’ll feel intimidated by people who you feel are stronger than you, in this situation you probably feel most people are intimidating to you. And as always it’s easy to pick up on the body language that your easily intimidated.
I get you try to be a respectful neighbor and your doing your part. Your not doing anything crazy, and you have the right to BBQ or enjoy your space just like anyone who has space there. If your neighbors have a problem with that well then they should discuss it with you 1:1 not with the neighborhood.
I agree with your attempt to seek out a psychiatrist and possibly therapy, it may help you gain that much needed confidence to understand you are not less than anyone. And your opinion matters as much as anyone else’s in your neighborhood
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As a Krav Maga Instructor, I have many women and teen girls as students. Those who are new to martial arts almost universally have challenges with confidence and assertiveness, or self-esteem. This isn’t unique to my female students. I have teen boys who join because they are bullied at school and such too, and men who fear not being able to protect their mates or kids if needed.
One of the biggest rewards I get from teaching these students is to see their confidence building. The way they walk, talk and their general presence is visibly changing. I have one, a nice lady whose husband just up and left her after many years of marriage. She had zero self-confidence. I’ve been slowly challenging her more each lesson, and as she gets better, she’s getting better. I saw the “click” happened after yesterday’s lesson. She came up to me and asked for some tips and drills she could work on at home…she wants to be better. 3 months ago, she came to class, timidly went through the lessons, and left immediately after. Now she stays a few minutes to chat with her fellow students, and last night had the confidence to approach her Instructor.
I would imagine her confidence is growing elsewhere too.
Maybe try a martial art?
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I second this,
As a teen I struggled with self esteem, a lot of it was cause I was different, i started doing martial arts cause I saw alot of cool movies and thought I could do that cool stuff kick ass and take names, I learned that wasn’t the case, what it was really about discipline,
Self confidence and self esteem and it works wonders also a healthy outlet to let out years of frustration
Fast Forward 20 years, my younger son, got interested in martial arts, a dojo near him was offering a month of free classes to Try it before you buy it, His mom was hesitant, and I said let him do it, you’ll see changes in him you never imagined,
And a few months in she’s like I can’t believe it, he’s so much more confident, he’s so much more structured, he’s like a totally different kid.
So yes Yoda-Steve is 1000000% correct, martial arts will totally change your life,
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Thanks @Yoda-Stevie and @Fury I think that’s a great idea!
Part (or maybe most?) of my anxiety around this is not being able to defend myself if I ever needed to. So I suppose if i knew that i actually COULD defend myself if i ever needed to it would alleviate some of this anxiety. Knowing I’m not defenseless and just have to take a beating until the person gets tired. My brain just assumes that’s the case when in reality it’s not, in fact, when I think about it I havent been hit by anyone since i left home almost 22 years ago! How crazy is that!? 
the fear is still with me, all this time… sad really 
I will definitely look into this, thanks for the suggestion! 
krav maga sounds kinda cool too 
So I spoke to a GP and explained everything, he said he wants me to talk things through with a counsellor first before he will refer me to a psychologist 
I’ve already done this a few years ago and it’s like a year long wait (again!) but I suppose the ball is rolling. Oh but I do get to speak with the practices mental health person (not really sure what she is) in two weeks so I’ll see what comes of that. All in all its progress.
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