So I’m a little embarrassed to type this as I know it’s a minor issue but as it’s still affecting me since it happened yesterday, I thought best to “talk” it over rather than keep it all bottled up.
I have a neighbour, shes in her 60s and can be ok sometimes but I get the feeling she doenst really like me. She will talk to ne pleasantly when shes on her own but if shes with anyone else she’ll be quite “off” with me which leads me to think she gossips about me to others, shes well known to be the village gossip so I’m not surprised and mostly not bothered by this as she does it to everyone she doenst have much of a life outside of this village so things that are minor to most people are a big deal for her and she will use minor incidents as gossip fodder or reasons to be infuriated for days over. I suppose in her small world they are big deals to her which is fine, her 'world’s her rules. Just painting a picture here.
Anyway. Yesterday me and my daughter decided to have a bbq lunch. First one all summer, little disposable thing and only a few burgers as it was just me and her eating. Once I’d lit the bbq I realised that neighbour had her window open, I could hear her chatting with another neighbour so i went out to tell her about the bbq (I know from past experiences with myself and other neighbours that she likes to be told if anyone is having a bbq or a fire so she can shut her windows and bring laundry in etc as she usually (daily) has things hanging on her line) I went out to tell her and at first she seemed pissed off I was interrupting her conversation, then as I said “just letting you know I’ve put a bbq on and noticed you have your window open”
She stared blankly and said “well I have washing out there as well!” I didnt notice that as we have high fences thank god I just repeated that we had a bbq, signaling that it was on and now was her opportunity to do what she needed to do. Again she just stared with a pissed off face, turned around and stormed off back to the other neighbours. That’s it minor I know but It’s really unsettled me now to think shes annoyed with me. I know I shouldn’t care but for background. I grew up in a very abusive environment, I was terrified of my mam (mom) growing up so always tried to make it so she was happy and never annoyed with me (which unfortunately I never managed to do as she always found something…) this woman reminds me so much of my own mother, she has the same haircut and everything so I know this is where my feelings are coming from. I try keep my interactions with this woman to a minimum but I’m always pleasant when we chat. Shes ok to chat with when shes being nice but I’m always awear she could turn if I gave her any reason to. Shes my next door neighbour so cant get away and have to keep things sweet just for peace at home. Otherwise I’d have absolutely nothing to do with her.
I really do know this is NOTHING in the grand scheme of things but my feelings and traumatised little brain is shouting “you annoyed mother!!! Do something or you’re in trouble!” And I cant shake it… life was good before this happened but I need to learn how to deal with issues like this
I grew up in an abusive home. My step dad was mean. We never liked each other, I never fit into my family when my mom married him.
I would be extremely quiet to avoid altercations with him or my mother.
I still fall into that behavior. I catch myself doing it. I don’t like to interact with my neighbors. when I hear them I find myself going into quiet mode.
Those survival skills we learned growing up are hard to break.
It’s not minor at all. Trauma can come back/triggered hard when a “look a like” appears in our lives (just as smells and sounds do), old coping mechanisms become active again (e.g. pleasing). Good that you vent it here. Hope you enjoyed the burgers .
I can relate. Parents were always screaming and scolding.
For most years of my adult life I tiptoed around bullies, even when I would be outspoken and stand up (mostly for others) I would shake and feel sick. The implicit intimidations of meanies and manipulators still wormed their ways into my self confidence. Just like you I’d be shaken for days afterwards when someone treated me like an inferior thing.
I would advise you to stay away from this woman. Keep your interactions to a minimum, like letting her know about BBQs or whatever , but stop the neighbourly chats. What does she add to your life? Obvs you being nice to her makes her feel like you’re somehow obligated to her and she can be rude to you in front of others. This is a gesture of dominance. I’d cut that shit out. You don’t owe her anything.
I wish you peace of mind. it’s in your power. And if you can’t get there right away, that is also fine. These things take time. Maybe check out some ACA literature. Like the laundry list and the promises.
Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t see why you have an obligation to be anything more than civil with her, as in not going out of your way to do things to annoy/inconvenience her. Blasting music in the late hours, mowing the lawn at 5am. That sort of thing is being a courteous neighbor. Beyond that, I don’t see why you have to have any relationship at all.
We dont have any kind of relationship really and I do just try to keep things courteous and be a respectful neighbour (like i am to everyone) it’s just she will strike up conversations if I’m out in my garden, mostly about mundane things or other people and I feel like itd be rude just to walk away so I chat along/agree (people please) then make excuses to leave other than that I try to stay clear of her as she just makes me anxious.
Put the ol’ flaming bag on her doorstep and do the knock-n-run.
You’ll feel better and she’ll have dog shit on her shoe (or old-lady slipper).
Flawless plan.
I’m with Stevie on this. Having dogs helped me learn how to not engage with ppl I don’t want to and say that clearly, too. Ppl come up with all kind of stupid unwanted comments or “advice” to me on the street when I walk them. I have found a way to prioritise MY NEED to not be bothered or talked down to over the expectation to humor strangers. It’s been really eye-opening. You can do the same with this lady. Of she comes over to chat, let her know you’re not interested in her gossip. Keep your answers to a minimum or just say I’m busy/can’t chat right now if she doesn’t get the hint.
Thank for the comments. Yeah you’re all right. I know it’s just people pleasing and me feeling intimidated by her due to the fact she reminds me of my mam but I need to get over this. Fact is, I don’t really like her, and as I said I’m pretty sure she doenst like me either, apart from wanting someone to talk to when no one else is around. If she tries to chat I’m just gonna to make excuses and walk away (which I do sometimes). I guess part of my “fear” is that I know what she can be like, I’ve seen her be really awful to another neighbour who since moved away and shes well known to be a shit stirer, but then that will work in my favour because if she decided to cause trouble then everyone will know it’s just her up to her usual antics? idk… I just want a peaceful life and i like being on good terms with people, but this lady will always somehow find fault so what can I do meh… none of this is a big deal and I feel better for talking about it.
Ya know… as times gone on today and I’ve thought more about it I’m actually getting kinda pissed off. I feel like shes taken my kindness for a weakness, and well, I’ve let her! Theres way more to this. Little petty things over the years (I’ve lived here for 7 years) that have built up. From now on I’m not going to engage. Theres many things I’d love to say but it would only cause trouble so best for me just to keep EVERY interaction short but also pull her up on shitty behaviour if or when it crops up, I have let many things slide over the years for the sake of ‘peace’ and all shes done is take the piss with it… I think that’s what I’m mostly annoyed about. The fact that I havent stood up for myself
Omg!!! This woman I absolutely can see why this would be upsetting for u, especially if she reminds u of her mom. Her facial expressions and attitude and words are very much like hearing disappointment from ur mother. I’m appalled at how miserable this woman is. You should be able to have a BBQ and not feel like shit about it. U pay for where u live and it’s ur property and u were just trying to be respectful. This is irritating me just by reading this lol I’m so glad u got this out ans talked about it. The situation itself may seem “minor” but in reality, alot of the stuff that bothers us immensely (I think) are the little everyday things. Like o can handle the “bigger” situations better than I can the “smaller” everyday stuff.
When someone bothers me or I get angry or irritated with someone, I pray for them. I don’t say to them, “ur a miserable person, so I’m going to pray for u” lmao type of thing. But I do pray for those people for at least 2 weeks. I usually don’t mean it initally, especially if they have wronged me. But, over time, I begin to genuinely care and mean what I say in my prayer about them. You may never know why she is the way she is. Or what has happened in her life for her to be a gossip and someone so miserable and mean. It has helped me anyway to realize that even tho what they do or say isn’t right, they have a reason for why they are the way they are
Yes I’ve heard the preying thing before… I know its in the big book so I’ll look it up to get a better understanding. It will help me move past this without becoming resentful which is a threat here…
I tried preying for her just before… it didnt go so well… “dear god, please help XXXX stop being such a C×××” isnt going to cut it I’ll do better haha.
U got start somewhere. There was a coworker awhile back that just pissed me off. And I held onto that discussion for days n days. It consumed my mind and rented space in my head for so long that it was a risk of damaging my mental health and potentially putting me at risk for relapse. So the only thing I could think of was praying for her. And for the first few days I was mad while praying but I kept at it and I did notice it help with my future interactions with her as well as for my own well being. Idk if u believe in a HP but I did ask my HP to please help me remove this resentment. I basically said, “Help me to be kind and patient and to try and be understanding bcuz idk what’s happening for her in her life”. Maybe she had a death in the family, maybe she’s ill or financially struggling or whatever. People generally are not mean and rude like this woman for no reason at all. Maybe her mom was like this to her and it’s a generational thing. I have no idea. But ur doing a great thing by talking about it
So after this ‘incident’ and through reading some of the comments, it’s really given me something to think about and I’ve noticed me behaving/responding to others in ways which are less than helpful to my over all wellbeing. I’m wondering if anyone can help or has any pointers where I can look for help regarding this.
This fear of punishment I have… how am I going to move past it? Something else happened just today, nothing major and not even necessarily to do with me but mind immediately went to “uh oh! Trouble!” Then started scanning through all the possible scenarios (consequences) what might happen. Then because of that I’m all anxious… I’ll calm down and rationalise, then most likely wont think about it by tomorrow or whenever… problem is this type of stuff happens ALL the time! And they’re not even real/big deals I just make them out to be in my head it’s never with men either it’s always women who frighten me most due to the fact that the abusive household I was brought up in was all girls/women so I have a fear of women disliking me, upsetting them in some way then being attacked for whatever I might have done wrong.
When I was a kid I was like the family punch bag, I didnt really have to DO anything in particular to have a fist coming my way so I was always on edge, trying to be “good” and not upset anyone but it never worked in the end anyway, there was always something.
So now I guess my brain makes up reasons why others (usually women) are upset with me and I immediately go into fight or flight (or fawn in my case…) mode out of some warped protective measure.
I dont want to live like this anymore. I dont have to be scared anymore… I’m sure even if I did get into a disagreement with someone it wouldnt automatically mean they would get physical?
Being like this means I’m not true to myself…I’m often fake with people I dont like (see post about neighbour above…) due to this fear. I people please, Im a perfectionist, have this fake “oh I’m so nice” smiling fucking face when really I don’t give much if a shit what’s going on with people outside of my immediate circle and I’m sure they dont give a fuck too. Its exactly like what @mx_elle said. About keeping enemies close out of fear of punishment. How the hell do I get out of this? I’m scared all the time unless I’m perfectly on good terms with everyone (or my favourite, not having much to do with anyone at all…) any tiny bump in the road, a funny look, a misunderstanding, I’m a wreck, worrying about what the consequences of my “bad behaviour” might be.
It’s so stupid I’m otherwise quite a feisty strong women who could definitely stand her ground if it came down to it but this fear, the scared kid in me can’t handle it and I dont know what to do.
I’m sorry ur going thru this Hearing ur story… I can understand WHY u behave and think the way u do. U said u were the family punching bag grpwing up and that’s incredibly upsetting and traumatic. I think we as human beings (especially as children) just want to honestly survive. I think we do whatever it takes to survive, whether that’s learning survival skills by changing our behaviors around others, dissociation, or by learning things that help us in the moment to survive but are really not healthy and helpful in the long run.
I know for myself that when I was with my abusive ex, I changed alot. Mainly, how I spoke and how I acted and I was super hypervigilant and always watching him for body language and I was a people pleaser and catered to his needs quickly to try and prevent an argument or to prevent pissing him off. Basically, even tho I charged him and had some closure over what he did, it still stuck with me. Even to this day (probably 15 years or so ago since I left him) I STILL have to be aware of when I’m acting in survival mode. My husband isn’t abusive at all but he’s loud and he is opinionated. When he gets loud or uses certian words my instinct is to hide in my shell. If he does something that hurts me emotionally, my reaction is to not say anything so thar I dont cause a disturbance etc. Our survival skills kick in when we feel threatened. So they do come out even tho the current situation is nothing like my past. I feel like this is somewhat similar in a sense with what ur experiencing. Please correct me tho if I’m wrong.
I basically have to say to myself, “I am safe and I am no longer in a situation where I have to act like this. I no longer need these survival skills. I am in this current moment and I am okay. This person is a completely different person and not someone I need to be afraid of.” By saying this it brings me out of my state of survival. It reminds me that this person is not someone I need to feel unsafe around. Therefore not needing any survival skills. It’s not easy (at least for me) lol. I get on edge sometimes but then I realize why do I need to be this way?? This person is not showing me any signs that I need to be afraid.
I think it’s about being super aware of when ur feeling like this. And then challenging that thinking and doing something differently with the “safe” person that u are having an interaction with. I hope this makes sense. I tried my best to type it right lol I wish I had better suggestions for u. I just know that for msyelf it’s being self aware of when its happening (which it sounds like u are) and then reminding myself that I am safe
No that makes perfect sense thank you for taking time to respond
Yes maybe I just need to be kind to myself and talk myself round when I notice it happening… I’d just much much rather it didnt happen at all its automatic so not something I can change in the moment, I’ve just been wired the wrong way I suppose. I do try to make myself see sense when its happening but its almost like the anxiety/stress has to run its course before it eventually goes away. It always does go away but it doesn’t take much to flare up again… it’s really weird it happens mostly with women who I dont know all that well (unpredictable?) and especially with women who are older than me it’s a nightmare. I do have female friends and I don’t dislike women as a whole because of this. Logically I understand what’s going on and can rationalise with it.
I understand what you’re saying about the hypervigilance and looking for micro expressions, I do that alot its bloody exhausting saying that I’m alot better than I used to be so I know I am healing, theres just so many layers ya know, I make improvements then something else comes up that I need to work on so this is just the thing I feel like I need to be looking at right now. It certainly doesn’t take up a whole chunk of my life and I’m able to (uncomfortably) get on with life whilst its happening but it can take up a lot of headspace and cause anxiety which just isnt needed.
she doenst have much of a life outside of this village so things that are minor to most people are a big deal for her and she will use minor incidents as gossip fodder or reasons to be infuriated for days over. I suppose in her small world they are big deals to her which is fine, her 'world’s her rules. Just painting a picture here.
but It’s really unsettled me now to think shes annoyed with me. I know I shouldn’t care but for background. I grew up in a very abusive environment, I was terrified of my mam (mom) growing up so always tried to make it so she was happy and never annoyed with me (which unfortunately I never managed to do as she always found something…) this woman reminds me so much of my own mother, she has the same haircut and everything 
so I know this is where my feelings are coming from. I try keep my interactions with this woman to a minimum but I’m always pleasant when we chat. Shes ok to chat with when shes being nice but I’m always awear she could turn if I gave her any reason to. Shes my next door neighbour so cant get away and have to keep things sweet just for peace at home. Otherwise I’d have absolutely nothing to do with her.
.
meh… none of this is a big deal and I feel better for talking about it.
Hearing ur story… I can understand WHY u behave and think the way u do. U said u were the family punching bag grpwing up and that’s incredibly upsetting and traumatic. I think we as human beings (especially as children) just want to honestly survive. I think we do whatever it takes to survive, whether that’s learning survival skills by changing our behaviors around others, dissociation, or by learning things that help us in the moment to survive but are really not healthy and helpful in the long run.
