So I’m in recovery…. I graduate a year program in one month but I’m married and I feel very uncomfortable, unworthy and unwanted. I know that if I feel like this continually I will probably use. In the Bible it says not to get divorced and I’m in a faith based program and don’t know what to do. I do know I can’t stay in this relationship. Advice?
7 Likes
Welcome to the forum @Brandon3
Congratulations on your clean time 
Its a very personal thing… I was married for 25 years, I stayed for many years as I was raised to believe once married thats it, the only way to get divorced would be on grounds of adultery.
Different faiths may advise slightly differently, do you have a spiritual leader to go to for advice and guidance, if the marriage is irreparable and there’s no chance of reconciliation.
7 Likes
I personally believe that not all marriages should last.
I’m not saying leave your partner, but I’m saying that I wish my parents would’ve divorced long before they ever did. They did more damage by staying together because they believed the Bible was against it.
I think that if an environment is part of why you want to use then there is a problem.
I’m also a big advocate for communication and often we don’t communicate our needs or listen to the needs of our significant other.
Have you tried telling your partner how you feel?
Congratulations on your upcoming year celebration!
You should be so proud of yourself despite how you might feel right now. 
6 Likes
Yes and I have spoke with them and his advice was to leave the marriage but I was raised the same way as you. But I also know the marriage is very unhealthy for me. What’s more important? To honor God in an unhealthy relationship and chance sobriety or leave the marriage? I’m not sure what to do I feel like it could be me just making reservations to use but I’m not sure it is because when I do go to visit her and my children on a monthly basis I feel so uncomfortable and it triggers me to want to use. We are not sexually involved currently…. I just spend time with our kids. Deep down I feel something urging me to get out.
2 Likes
I have spoke with her but she does not budge on most things. Her parents a wealthy and that’s her security. I am hated by them…. I get it I’m probably a horrible person, or at least I was!! Looking back on our almost 5 year relationship it was just something new for her. We are both totally different people. Her dad is a dea agent and I’m a felon with drug charges. We had 2 kids and she goes to church and believes divorce is wrong but is not willing to do anything to help fix the relationship. She has our children’s b day parties at her mom and dads and I’m not allowed there it’s very hurtful and I’ve tried dealing with it but I can’t make the things she does not hurt.
1 Like
Oh that is a very hard situation and I’m sorry 
I’m sure you can understand why there is some mistrust and possibly resentment. That’s to be expected. In active addiction we hurt a lot of people, especially those closest to us.
I think maybe she needs time to heal as well and to see that you’re not going to slip into old habits.
I know it’s easy to want to pick up that thing that takes away the pain but it will only make it worse. Much worse.
You deserve forgiveness and grace and everyone deserves time to find that.
Calling yourself a horrible person doesn’t help either. Maybe you’ve done horrible things. We all have, but you’re doing the inner work and that takes a lot of strength and courage.
With that said, you also deserve to protect your sobriety at all costs and if you can’t do that in your current environment, it’s okay to look into other options.
Just don’t use today, that’s all you have to do. 
4 Likes
Thank you so much for the advice!!
2 Likes
All I can say for absolute certainty is using will not remotely help improve or change the situation. It will add to your stress and cause more problems to be dealt with.
Why not leave it with God, if you’re not currently living together and are spending time away, use the time wisely, pray about it, keep living in a way God approves of and leave it with him for a while.
Be civil when you see your children, but keep it simple with your wife.
Things will often work out in a way we never even thought of when we leave it in His hands.
Above all else stay sober 
1 Like
Thanks. This is an awesome place. I’ve never done the chat thing but it’s cool that you care enough to talk to someone you don’t even know, much appreciated!
4 Likes
You’re welcome, stick around 
1 Like
You could also finish your current programme and then get involved in more secular recovery programs as well after you are finished with this current one?
Honestly though, respect your feelings first, your sobriety depends on it. I agree with Sassy and my parents should have divorced ages before they did. It might have cut out the escalation towards the end. I am not religious, but I cannot believe that honouring oneself to do and be better could be considered unhealthy. No way.
2 Likes
Hi Brandon,
I was in a similar situation but on the other side of it at that stage. My husband was the addict and I was the wife. Like you I could not get divorced either. The only reason I believe you can get divorced for is adultery. The only thing I could do that I could live with was to separate and for me to remain faithful and wait for him to find someone else which I believed released me from our marriage bond. I appreciate that people who are not religious may not understand this but truthfully for me my eternal salvation comes before my earthly body and comforts. So it was a small sacrifice for me to stay single and wait for him to find someone first.
Just get to be clean and sober today - thats all you have to focus on for today is all that matters and God will take care of the rest.
4 Likes
Hi Brandon,
That’s a difficult situation. I echo what Laura @LittleMissL said: Focus on yourself, live a good life as good as possible, be kind and careful to yourself and your children and leave the other relationships to God. A friendly manner and detachment are good tools to stay focused on the important things in life.
You can’t control your wife’s thoughts, feelings, behaviour, nor change it. What you can work on is being the best version of yourself.
We have a thread about problematic relationships with loved ones, it’s not limited to addiction related issues. Please feel free to read around and contribute. You are not alone 
Keep us posted, often sharing emotions and struggle helps to sort it and find a way to deal with it.
Here is the link to the mentioned thread (start). You can scroll to current posts and search for keywords if you like. Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?
5 Likes
Sorry to hear what you are going through.
Using won’t help in any which way.
I’m not a marriage counsellor but during this difficult time I would say to focus on yourself first.
When you are healthy, mentally and physically, you can help and support your family.
Actions speak louder than words.
Really change this time. Stick to your program. Show your family that you are a better man now.
Sometimes a little separation is beneficial.
Sometimes I have to be away from home for a few days and that’s the time I realize how much my wife and kids mean to me. I truly miss them.
It does sound like you want your family back and truly miss them too.
Stay sober and it will get easier. The situation with the family may not improve but you will be better equipped to handle it. Trust the process.
Come here and vent when you need to.
Take it one day at a time.
If your family can see the sober work you are putting in, a time may come in the future when they will be ready to take you back.
Until then, work on yourself.
Exercise, good diet, read books, focus on positive hobbies, try getting jobs if you don’t have one, save money. It won’t happen over night, but at some point the more sober days you stack up, it will start to happen. That positive transformation.
4 Likes
Hi, this statement is not fully correct. Divorce in and of itself is not a sin, or condemnable.
The faith discusses Adultery, Abuse, Addictions and Abandonment as viable reasons, although unfortunate, for divorce.
I think if you’re experiencing what may sound like abandonment, so someone emotionally checking out or not being loyal in love, or not wanting to be in a marriage with you, or you not wanting to be in this marriage, there are either solutions to working on them with a desire from both parties, or not, so, divorce.
Also, if you stay, how will this impact your faith?
7 Likes
Thank you brother
1 Like
I feel like it will hurt my faith…. She is a believer but she doesn’t see that she is not doing what it says and I can’t make her see it, but honestly I’m not either!! According to the Bible I should lay my feelings to the side and love her however she is, right? It’s tough for me to look over my own character defects, I do know I have them but I can’t change what’s happens in my life to cause these hurts all I can do at this point is recognize that I have them and try not to let them rule my life and in doing that I know I can’t allow myself to be in a place where I feel rejected or abandoned. But I really thing I’m just being a big baby about everything and I should just man up and deal with it.
3 Likes
If anything, the Bible tells us to be honest with God about our feelings (1 Peter 5:7 )
Your feelings matter, hers too. Also, we can’t make anyone see anything.
I’m not a fan of the idea of maning up, that helps nobody… .
You sound hurt. 
Take care of yourself, no need to decide anything in a hurry either.
5 Likes
You know this way of thinking is not helpful. On the contrary, your no 1 responsibility is to yourself, acknowledging your true feelings and thoughts even if you don’t want to have them. That goes for everyone, we all, without exception, deal w truths about ourselves we don’t want to be true, that hurt too much or are too scary to make conscious. So we deny deny deny and that brings depression and so many other mental illnesses on us.
You’re in the unlucky position that your faith seems so weigh on the side of keeping your truth insignificant. (Is that really so, idk. I can not imagine God wanting you to suffer in an unsalvageable marriage and loveless life, but neither you nor I can be sure right.) However, you are absolutely right in recognising that this denial will cost you your happiness, your sobriety and potentially your life if you go back to drugs.
We have to build a life we don’t need to escape from. Only you will know what that looks like for you. God surely wants you to be a successful human with a long, productive life, not work towards your own untimely death.
Best of luck.
4 Likes
Congrats on one year! This is what I feel in my heart and my heart is with God. If you see yourself a man of faith, then you know he will show you a way and you should lean in on your faith. He is with us in every storm. Don’t forget that. I was never married but have two beautiful daughters in two separate relationship both over 5 years I tried. I know it didn’t work out because when I came into those relationships, I was not living in good purpose with God nor for them or myself. It was of the world and for my own wants. Sure I loved them, but not the way love was intended. There is forgiveness because of Christ. This I leave with you. Go to God with your emotions. If your marriage is toxic it was never from God to begin with because you both didn’t love like it was intended and your vows weren’t held with realness. If you’re in a faith based recovery I’m sure you can find a faith based counselor to guide you as well. Follow Christ in your heart
1 Like