What triggers you all? What makes you cave? What do you feel like when you feel you have done all you can do and just want to self sabotage? I guess all my life i have been life like that. I guess everyones reason is different. But please tell me what your motive is when you give in? And how does it make you feel after?
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Well, caving always leads to shame. Every time. The routine is the same: give in, chase that rush, then - alone. And ashamed.
I donāt think of it in terms of what makes me cave. I think of it as what keeps me growing, and what keeps me down.
What keeps me down is trying to do life all myself, be the perfect guy, and not ask for anything.
What helps me grow is recognizing Iām feeling unsure or overwhelmed, and asking for help.
What keeps me down is ignoring my healthy needs, for rest, food, connection / healthy companionship, and justice (or balance): the HALT needs (hungry, angry, lonely, tired).
What helps me grow is paying attention to how I feel, especially HALT, and taking action to be sure those feelings are addressed. Feed myself when I need it, reach out for justice, for sympathy, for support, for connection. Rest.
I donāt plan to cave. My goal is simple: I want to grow. But to do that, I have to take it one day at a time - some days, you just have to get to the basics, and make sure youāre just staying healthy. Ok days when Iām feeling uncertain I find it helps to call people, or text. Addiction is a disease of escape. When we reach out to connect, we help ourselves recover.
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Simple answer: PAWS.
Long answer: Iāll be doing great. Kicking ass. Taking names. But then Iāll feel like Iām crawling in my own skin, my mind is running so fast that I canāt stop it, sleep gets spotty, I get anxious and I can only take so much of that out on cleaning my house or working out. I get to a point where I become agitated and I feel completely awful. Life in general becomes too much and Iām desperate to escape from the hustle and bustle and the noise of the world.
I think, āYou know, this one time will be fine. Iāve gone long enough. It will just take the edge off and get me past right now. Itās not like itās going to become a thing.ā But then I use the same excuse the next day because yesterday I was just fine, then the next, then I realize Iām using more than once a day, then a few, then itās back to square one all over again.
The desperation to feel good again and to escape pretty much sums it up. I could shoot for āgoodā when I first cave in, but when I fall I shoot for āawesomeā, because itās only going to be that once. Right? And once one addiction falls, the rest start as well because I just donāt care anymore and Iām feeling goodā¦ for a while anyway. But I carry the guilt all the while, the feelings of depression and failure; and my life starts to fall apart again. Then I start the road toward cleaning up again, and I keep that momentum for a few months tops before I lose steam.
In the end, for me, itās going to have to be 100% abstinence from it all because once I cave, I fall hard. This time I donāt intend to cave though. This time Iām going to make it. Thatās why Iām here.
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Mine was laziness and apathy. I just wasnāt invested enough in getting sober. Once I decided that I was going to put in the work I havenāt caved.
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