So now I’m sober, I find myself struggling with the fact that my sons don’t talk to me, I’ve just realised that the way I coped before was masking my feelings with alcohol!
Now I have clarity it’s hit home even more, my eldest has totally blocked me, my youngest communicates via text but nothing in detail, I really don’t know him. I’m finding it hard to deal with, I have fantastic support from family and friends but as they said they aren’t in my situation so they don’t know what to suggest. Any advice? X
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Those relationships will most likely improve over time. I left my mother when I was 13. She was a mean drunk at times. She sobered up when I was 42 so for the first 42 years of my life the relationship was bad. I’m 46 now, the relationship is better but not a typical mother, son relationship.
Best wishes on your journey.
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Thankyou so much for replying, hope is all I can do
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That’s really tough and I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. 
I’m not a mother, but I am an adult child who has chosen to put lots of distance between myself and my parents for different reasons over the years.
I am now building a healthy relationship with my father and all I can say is that him acknowledging where he went wrong has helped tremendously. Effort counts. Showing up counts. Loving them unconditionally counts.
I think a parent who is willing to heal their wounds is the best thing they can ever do for their children.
It’s not easy, but the alternative is far worse.
A parent willing to do the work takes strength, honesty and courage.
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In my experience, while I was actively in addiction/ alcoholism, that was my primary relationship. I knew that, and everyone around me knew that. Now that I am in recovery, and staying sober, that is my primary relationship. The kinship I am building with myself. I have to learn to become selfish if I want continued long term sobriety. If I extend myself to much to others and they don’t reciprocate, I’ll start to resent them, then I am bound to relapse. And if I relapse I will subconsciously blame them. Some people in my life have no reason to believe I will stay sober. And I don’t blame them for feeling that way. But it’s not my job to try to convince them, I have to cope with convincing myself.
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Welcome to the community, @Rachntez, and thanks for reaching out.
I am sorry to read you’re struggling with the lack of (meaningful) contact with your sons. Like @SoberSassy, I am not a parent (although I do have a stepson) but I do have a strained relationship with my mother. For me, the following would be an important distinction:
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If your estranged relationship with your sons is a direct result of your alcohol abuse over the years, I believe that being sober and proving to your sons that you are putting significant effort into recovery should suffice over time. You probably shouldn’t expect them to jump up and down for joy during your early sobriety and prepare yourself for some skepticism and suspicion, but things should improve as time progresses and you are able to prove that you are 100% committed to sobriety.
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If however this situation is the result of things other than your drinking, simply getting sober isn’t going to deal with the root cause. Instead, you could use the clarity that comes with sobriety to evaluate what exactly happened, apologize unreservedly to your sons and make amends.
None of us have a crystal ball to predict what the future holds, but at least you will have done everything in your power to try and improve the relationship with your sons. I applaud you for taking the effort to get sober and face the situation head-on, not all parents do.
Please reach out if you think you could use more help, we are here to support one another 
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