praying for you
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I am really sorry to hear this, however as a bi polar sufferer myself I did feel a wince when you blamed your relapse on you tranquility and peace stopped because your son got his diagnosis. I appreciate you need to work on yourself but tell me how much support have you given your son? I could get the picture wrong but it sounded very me me me and no word on supporting your son, being bi polar doesnāt mean a failure or anything some very successful people have it, provided THEY are given support and a safe network around them, and not used as an excuse for their parents to fall apart, I wish you the best
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As youāve put it, you do deserve better and you will make it.
I really envy you - in a good way - for making it through tough times and changes and not going the so called easy way and starting to drink. I may be wrong, but, regarding the slip that happened to you, perhaps you didnāt actually want to drink. It was just your brain, our alcoholicās brain, that tricked you into the old compulsions. Sorry if I am judging by my own experience (an episode I had a couple of months ago where I had a drink as if I was made to do itā¦ because I really, really, didnāt want one and even felt a strong repulsion looking at that glass).
Anyhow, I wish you all the best and just keep on fighting.
Congrats on your 3.5 years and on holding yourself accountable.
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Better. Definitely amazed at how many days it takes to recover from one binge. I only started feeling back to normal yesterday but still have a dragging tiredness. And man, the physical feeling of inflammation is crazy. Still lingering but also improving. Makes me want to do one of those water fasts to reset my whole body. I hate it.
In terms of anxiety and stuff, also better. Lots of self reflection. I need to tackle some things I just have been scared of.
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Glad to hear it 
Keep reaching out to share your feelings and uncertainties. The worries, the concerns, the I-donāt-know-but-I-feel-off.
Itās all part of the process and it never completely goes away; that uncertainty is part of life. Riding those waves and moving forward is part of life.
You will get it, one day at a time
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I support my son 100% (which I didnāt have to for the last 7 years) all of his financial needs, housing, food, clothing, medical care and planning, managing his schedule with nurses, doctors, psychiatrists, making sure he is eating something other than coffee and cigarettes, showering more than once per month without humiliating him, dealing with his manic phases where I canāt get rest for 3 days straight, trying to honor his right to believe he is not ill with knowing he has to be admitted to the hospital no matter how much he will hate me afterwards, trying to live in a household where he paces constantly when he is home. His diagnosis is BP1 with psychotic features and OCD, so his mania isnāt just being super āupā, it comes with talking to people who arenāt there, having look-me-in-the-eye conversations with him about things that donāt exist, outbursts screaming at these voices that āno, he isnāt going to kill me.ā Meaning me, his mother. I could go on and on about how disruptive the presence of a person with bipolar disorder as severe as his is in a loved oneās life, because for some reason I feel the need to unnecessarily explain myself to you, but given the BP personās propensity to blame their problems on everyone else, Iām making sure you know just how difficult it is for parents of kids with BP 1 have it. Being belittled, threatened, blamed, disrespected, all while as a parent everything you are doing is in hopes that they will finally accept their illness and get treatment, just so THEY can regain some peace and stability, this is the hardest fight in a parentās life. And letās not even talk about the suicide rates for people with bipolar disorder. I have nightmares knowing that it is just one of many possible outcomes for people with this disease. It is harder than anything else I have ever had to go through in my entire life. And now he is working, smiles, laughs, jokes and talks with me and it has made it worth it to have my son back to some semblance of normal. I know he will have another episode some day but we seem to be on the right path to dealing with things better, faster and with less denial and ager and blame on his part. Donāt you EVER question me again about āhow muchā I support him. I will never give up on my kids, even if tough love sucks for them sometimes.
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Itās a good question. I donāt recall wanting to, either. More like a compulsion. Interesting thing to think about. 
Really sorry to hear this, didnāt mean to cause offence it could be the way I read the message, damn thatās hard I didnāt know he has the other diagnosis also, you sound like you have a lot on your plate:( I am not sure where you live but do you have any respite centres or organisations that do breaks for carers? You need to rest and look after yourself , many blessings to you and once again apologies I got the wrong end of the stick
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So one thing I noticed during the time that I was drinking over the last few months before I had my binge was that I was actually able to focus and be more productive the day after. It has been a few days now without drinking at all and even though I slept really well last night, I am back to being unfocused, and unproductive. I donāt get it. What is the physical/chemical mechanisms involved in this phenomenon?? I just want to go to grab a beer at the bar and see how I function tomorrow now. This revelation really upsets me. I couldnāt understand why after I quit drinking life seemed to be falling apart/fell apart even worse. Iām so turned upside down. It makes my body feel like shit but calms my brain down in a good way (I hate using that word but it is basically what is happening). 
So frustrated.
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I hear this and also felt the same way in my drinking days. I spent many days drinking myself into oblivion to get to a calm and focused hungover day. I wish I knew why my brain felt that way too but after lots of Google searches I am none the wiser. What I do know is that alcohol (our cunning, baffling disease) wasnāt the cure for those days. It only perpetuated the cycle. I kept having to drink to get to the hangover, oddly, so I could feel numb and focused. Iām two months sober now and I no longer crave that numb. I stopped drinking for many reasons but one of the most important was that I no longer felt or recognized joy in my life. The first bit of sobriety is hard but if you keep chasing that singularity of thought that hangovers seem to bring youāll never beat that cycle. I chalked mine up to funky brain chemistry, read about a few other people who had the same response to day one and moved on. I wish you the best.
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I donāt have a history of chasing the hangovers, I am literally just recognizing this now/yesterday - luckily. My daughter thinks it has something to do with endorphins and that I need a vigorous exercise routine, which I do not currently have. So that is one I think I will test! It bums me out that you havenāt gotten any answers either. I am not willing to chalk it up to weird body chemistry. That feels like giving up. I have always felt for all challenges in my life, if I know the āwhyā I can be better prepared to deal with it. Knowing why my body responds that way to drinking will help me learn to chase things that arenāt alcohol that give the same effect. In theory, anyway. This is the crap that makes me want to go back into health research š„¹
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There is a thread on brain chemistry here on TS. Maybe you find some information about this phenomenon there. Welcome back! 
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Awesome. I will take a look. Thank you!
In my own case I found that getting an assessment for my mental health was transformative. Turns out I have mild depression. After starting an appropriate antidepressant, I have found my sobriety has moved forward by leaps and bounds.
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I appreciate that. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder 20 years ago and have been taking meds and therapy ever since. It sucks. Iām never going to be cured, so all I can do is continue taking meds and seeking therapy when necessary. I havenāt seen a therapist in a while and insurance issues have not helped with that either.
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Itās hard I know. Sometimes what matters is just finding what is growth in each day or week. I think we often have this idea of āIām not ____ā instead of āI am ____ā. There is something thatās growth in each day. There always is, there has to be. (Think of it like a plant in the garden. There is literally no day that goes by where there isnāt something related to growth. Even when itās not visible - like a tulip bulb over the winter - there is rest happening, which is part of growth.)
Thereās a million things youāre not and there always will be. There is a small but infinitely more important (and valid) list of things that you are. This is true for all humans, and it is our unique contribution to the universe: this eternal, dynamic experience of growth and exploration
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I appreciate that. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder 20 years ago and have been taking meds and therapy ever since. It sucks. Iām never going to be cured, so all I can do is continue taking meds and seeking therapy when necessary. I havenāt seen a therapist in a while and insurance issues have not helped with that either.
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Yes. Itās hard in a family with these mental variations as well. My aunt has schizophrenia and hears voices; she was recently taken in at a mental hospital. My fatherās side of the family - his father, his sister, his brother, all of whom had exceptionalities - was always shrouded when I was growing up, and it occupied a huge amount of his mental and emotional energy.
Itās hard.
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I hear ya, they have just switched me 3 days ago from sodium valproate to lithium after 9 years as I had the worst breakdown end of Feb, Iām hoping this will work , yeah therapy and that hard going, I hope you will be OK 
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Iām sorry to hear that Matt, hugs