Like you I never drank every day. Not physically addicted to alcohol. But found myself increasingly blacking out, most times I drank. Tried drinking with rules, drinking less often, but it was still happening.
The word alcoholic is kind of subjective. I wonder if I always attached it to the idea of an all day every drinker so it made me feel less bad about my drinking. I hadn’t lost a job, got any real trouble etc. I still don’t click with the idea of being a recovering alcoholic. It helps some people and that’s great.
Regardless, when I thought about stopping for good it was so scary. I cried. I wasn’t sure how to imagine a life without alcohol. I found this forum and I read around and I was surprised at how much I related to people who did drink every day, or used other substances habitually.
It seemed so impossible to stop but that was in 2018… So far it has been possible!
There is so much help and support available, here and in the wider recovery community. It is not just AA anymore - although if that is your thing then that is awesome, cos there are loads of groups. Whether you choose to join a programme or make up your own, support and connection are key. It can be hard to live life on life’s terms, without the substances and behaviours we learned to rely on. Learning from and alongside others really does make a difference.
@siand
“The word alcoholic is kind of subjective. I wonder if I always attached it to the idea of an all day every drinker so it made me feel less bad about my drinking. I hadn’t lost a job, got any real trouble etc. I still don’t click with the idea of being a recovering alcoholic”
That’s me down to a T. I still wonder why I act the way I do when under the influence, but if I think back I’ve always been this way just always been in denial about it because I wasn’t strong enough or mature enough to take a stand! Thanks for your post it’s very helpful! Much appreciated.
I don’t feel as though I’m an alcoholic still if I’m honest but I know it definitely doesn’t agree with me when I do drink
Ah yes the wondering why… I have also done my fair share of that!
I started drinking when I was a teenager, basically started overdoing it straight away. With the benefit of a bit of sobriety time I suspect it was a way of fitting in to a world I felt a bit awkward in. And likely avoiding some emotions I didn’t know how to deal with. Just not giving a fuck and wanting out of my head. Some combination of those things that over time became habituated and interwoven in more and more aspects of life.
I think there is not one reason. It is just one of the methods we use to navigate life, which is messy and complicated. Choosing not to drink does make some things more simple. Not always easy! But so far no regrets from me.
@siand that all feels very relatable again. I was in my teens also and overdone it pretty much straight away. I can kind of put a finger on one the main reasons as to why I drink the house way I do but st the same time don’t want to blame anything or anyone othe than myself as I choose to do it if that makes sense? I’m glad you have no regrets, as hearing that makes me feel even more that I am making the correct decision! Thanks for the reply and support
Yea absolutely. I think understanding what external factors make us want to numb can be helpful to a point. Help us find different ways of managing things that we find difficult. It is a process that’s for sure!
To be OK with not knowing and allowing things to come up when they are ready. That has been a new way of living for me. Also reminding myself that problems rarely develop over night. They take time to build up and time to address.
Welcome to the forum!! You have lots of good responses and feedback. Your story sounds a lot like mine. I could go a long time without drinking, a long time without the blackout / messy drinking…but eventually that would happen again. I spent years trying to figure out how I could successfully drink…what an oxymoron. But everyone drank, it was all I knew. Anyway…it definitely gets worse, not better, as time goes on, so you made a wise decision in stopping.
Tips on how to stay away? A few…Keep your focus on not drinking today. Don’t drink today. Get a bunch of fizzy water at home and chug that as needed. Avoid parties, bars, occasions until you have some solid time. Avoid drinking friends until you have some solid time. Take walks to burn off steam / energy (or whatever physical activity you prefer). Visit here often and read read read. Writing stuff out can help get it out of your brain…get a journal and write it out. Remember why you started down the sobriety road. Do not drink today.
Thanks a lot for your reply. Always helps when people have relatable experiences for sure. I have definitely tried for years to figure out a way of being able to drink “sensibly” yet it’s never worked. Tried all different types of alcohol but end up in the same position/situation.
I’ve accepted now that it’ll never agree with me, it’s taken a while but I’m happy with my decision.
I hear you…I spent years and years trying to figure it out. Wine, no wine. Beer, no beer. High end vodka. Red wine only. No drinking during the week. Water after each drink. Be sure to eat. Blah blah blah Exhausting!
Life is less complicated now that I let that go. Glad you made the realization.
Yes all good my end, thank you. Played football today as I usually do on a Saturday and back to the club, had food and straight home for me when usually would have had a few pints after. Small hurdle cleared on the journey, proud of that.
You and I have very similar relationships with alcohol. But let’s face it - even if we don’t drink everyday… if we blackout every time that’s still not a “healthy habit”.
If you didn’t fall every time you rode your bike… but did 90% of the time… you’d probably find a new hobby right?
If something (in this case it’s booze) doesn’t serve you, make you happy/a better person/dad whatever … it’s time to walk away!
Good on you for being self aware. If you’re like me you’ll get some time away from this feeling you’re having now and think “hmm. Maybe I CAN just have one” … come back here and reread your posts in that moment. I promise you’ll change your mind.
Good luck!! We are all here for you and rooting for you. You don’t have to “hit rock bottom” to be here
Ah and of the term “alcoholic” doesn’t seem to fit for you, then you have “problematic drinking habits” take that label for a spin and see how it feels
That’s it in a nutshell! Couldn’t agree more man.
Thanks for the support, I will definitely keep it in mind as I can easily start to believe that I can have the odd few here and there but always escalates back to square one again.
That is a good reason to be proud. We call that training your sober muscles around here. It works.
I’m pretty good myself thanks for asking. Had a busy work week, some hard late nights, some hard emotions and unpleasant new things. looking forward to rest up today with my dogs. Groom them. Get some housework done. Lift some weights. Boy this is beginning to sound like a busy day again grateful to have a busy, fulfilling sober schedule instead of the permanent absence from life I was living before sobriety.
Being busy isn’t always a bad thing as you said. Being busy but productive is very positive in my eyes, also keeping active! Well done, I’m going back to the gym tomorrow after a period of absence after my wife having a baby 6 months or so back.
Have a great day
Yes sir. I’m amazed the amount of folks with carbon copy stories like ours. You hear the word “alcoholic” and think Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Then you say to yourself, “well, I’m definitely not an alcoholic”. I also am skeptical of my success since I have gone through this before. I got your back. Just holler if you need a lifeline.
grateful to have a busy, fulfilling sober schedule instead of the permanent absence from life I was living before sobriety. 
