Don't have the desire to stop, but need to

I have a 82 days sober from alcohol, last time I had 3.5 months before that I had 10 months. I have been an AA since October of 2018. “The only requirement is the desire to stop drinking.” I am in deep now with two sponsors and working the steps and share a lot of experience strength and hope for others. I am a high bottom alcoholic who hasn’t had any DWIs, money issues, etc. I have put strains on relationships in the past and alcohol exacerbates my anxiety and depression and when I drink can lead to suicidal ideation. However, I still feel like drinking craft beer again and feel like I haven’t had my last drink.I’m very stressed out because I’m at the point in the book where it says I can’t imagine my life with it and I can’t imagine my life without it. I have made so many friends inside the rooms of AA, genuine friends. I feel like if I go back out I will disappoint my mom and dad and my friends inside the program ultimately feeling like a failure to myself which will make me feel way worse about myself for quitting the program and putting my family through stress. The problem is every night of my life is mental torture in my house being alone with just my cat and no relationship or no children and no medication to quell my nerves I’m restless irritable and discontented “relief that comes at once from taking a drink.” My sponsor told me I’m beyond human aid and it’s in a higher Powers hands now. I know most people when they come into the rooms are glad to be there because they feel they truly want to be there and have hit a bottom I feel like it’s a prison sentence even though it is helpful because ultimately I can’t imagine my life without drinking again.

1 Like

No one can make you want to change. It has to come from self day by day. I can’t say “I’ll never drink again”, because I’m human and I’ll most likely fall in the future. As long as you keep your eyes on staying sober those bumps in the road shouldn’t be defined as complete failures. Be blessed.

3 Likes

I just read your old posts and you are definitely romanticizing your drinking. You’re not able to have a drink and stop; you know that. You will feel like shit the next day and your work suffers.
Drinking has been ingrained in our society to equal fun, exciting and happy times. It’s not how life should be lived. We have one shot here, don’t waste it.

8 Likes

I’m so sorry to hear your story. I feel just like you. I am 34 years old and have been drinking regularly for the past 8 years. Started as a ways to cope with being in an abusive relationship then turned into I enjoy the feeling. I enjoy the disconnect from reality. I enjoy the confidence. I like drinking BUT I don’t like the pain it’s caused my family. The lack of responsibility I exhibit. The lack of control once I’ve been drinking and I need more. I don’t like the control it had over me. I am honest I don’t want to stop either BUT I have to or I will loose everything probably my life. I’m 6 days in and I’ve been here before. It’s not easy but what would it hurt to stop vs who does it hurt when you don’t? Stay strong

3 Likes

I’m a high bottom in AA as well. I haven’t gotten a DUI, lost a job, lost a home, lost my husband, or even had physical withdrawals.

YET.

Alcoholic is a progressive illness. It will only get worse over time. I like to think of myself as having fallen off of a cliff and having somehow managed to catch myself on a narrow ledge on the way down. I can see the bottom, and am barely holding on by my fingertips. Am I going to let go and fall all the way down before I start trying to climb my way up? He’ll no! Why would I make it that much harder for myself? I’m climbing now!

6 Likes

Maybe start trying to imagine your life without it then. You’ve been around long enough to know that you should be doing this, you just haven’t got your head around the why yet.
Yes, you are still romanticising it, you talk of craft beer instead of just alcohol.
It’s like it’s all part of a culture that you still want to be part off.
Maybe you need to go right back to the very beginning,. Find yourself a new sponsor perhaps.
Start with the reasons why you need to give up.
Notice I said need not want, language plays a big part in out perception of ourselves.
It’s works if you work it mate.

4 Likes

The great obesession of every alcoholic is to be able to drink like a gentleman.

Many of us persue it to the gates of insanity, even death.

I know I did. I still wish I could drink like a gentleman.

Staying sober, in AA feels like a prison sentence to me too sometimes.

Being a drunk is a prison sentence. Sober is better.

Its normal to feel that way. It passes.

4 Likes

One Drink is too Many, And One Drink is Never Enough…
Game never changed , just the players!
We know what’s happens at 360 degrees the old you , But the 180 degrees you is so much better !
I realized I am not a casual drinker, I’m a alcoholic… I binge drink…
I accept me… don’t go back if you know you!!!

3 Likes

Geo, thanks for the reply man. I still have my old sponsor, as well as a new sponsor who is the cream of the crop in my local program he’s 50 years old,medical doctor with 30 years sobriety gets a lot of people sober. when I asked him if he was mad at me for all the frustration this was his reply: “Frustrated that I haven’t been able to help you more with the cravings. I also know it’s not me- I need to remind myself of that. I have offered every tool and made many suggestions to do and not do certain things. Not mad at you at all. I want you to succeed.” I go to two meetings a day, I try to help other alcoholics, my sponsor sign me up to tell my story at the 90-day Mark at a meeting, I wake up and do the 3rd and 7th Step prayer every morning and if I forget I do it in the evening, I say the serenity prayer,it’s my sponsors feel I need to go back somewhere in the program I do and read what’s asked of me. People places and things are what’s getting in my way. I’m actively going back on Facebook to the last girl that broke up with me to see how many friend she has and if she’s found a new man and then that rabbit holes down to looking at if ex-girlfriends are happy with new people. then I catch myself going on Craft beer websites to make purchases it’s not that I’m just going there to romance it I’m literally in the moment on the site ready to put it in the car and give him my credit card for curbside pickup. it’s because the truth is selfishly knowing all the problems that alcohol gives I don’t want to stop at all I want to be a Craft beer drinker and even if I have consequences as long as they’re not jails institutions or death I feel I can deal with them with some antidepressants Valium and Gatorade. I know all that sounds insane, I’ll keep trying to do my best one day at a time.

I understand what you say mate.
I really do.
Yes the side that’s letting you down is you isn’t it?
To my mind why go back FB, or craft beer sites.
You know where it’s going to go, so why do it?
Guess with some it takes a bit longer for us to actually do the work to change our mindset.
As long as you keep living in the old world you will never get to the new.
Just my opinion.

3 Likes

Y E T…You’re elible too…it just gets worse…I had to keep touching the hot stove every few months…one day you’ll have had enough burns …hope it’s tomorrow, hope you’re still alive…hang loose.