I have had a pretty smooth ride of this so far. I am just about a week away from 10 months alcohol free and I have not really struggled in removing alcohol from my life. I am absolutely an alcoholic but I guess it was just time for me to cut the shit. So all of a sudden today I start getting this idea that I don’t want to be sober all my life and maybe I can start being a more responsible drinker. I start having these visions of myself having only one and being “different this time”obviously I CANNOT. I know this. I’m 52 years old - I know I can not do this. What is wrong with me?!! Ugh
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Absolutely nothing! I think there are a lot of us here that went through that…I know I did…just that alcoholic voice trying to get back in your head.
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There is nothing wrong with you. It’s normal to explore the possibilities of life in our minds. I think about trying to top out the speed of my car on the highway but I know that it’s a bad idea. With drinking, something way more socially acceptable, it seems like a more reasonable action. But for us, if we know where it leads, we have to heed the warnings we’ve received in the past. Thoughts are normal but we have to watch them pass by - and they will pass.
I decided after 5 years sober that I could maybe drink normally… I let the though fester over the course of months until it made more sense than not drinking. The thought gained momentum because I was not hearing or reading a message of recovery. Nothing got in my way because I chose to avoid anything that would conflict with those thoughts.
After relapsing I was reminded that I cannot drink safely. I wouldn’t have needed the reminder if I stayed close to recovery. Good for you for posting here. That’s the accountability necessary to stay sober long term imo.
Keep it up! And congrats on 10 months 
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It’s not unusual to have an idea pop into your head, or to react to something with the thought of a drink. But if your thoughts persist, then the fascination, the obsession is creeping back in. You can up your sobriety game at any time - here’s a bunch of suggestions.
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Thank you for posting this. I’m sure it will be important for me for the rest of my life to stay focused on sobriety. I’m certain that if I step away and get too far from the information about recovery that I will fall to that type of thinking.
I saw my husband go through that. Years ago he had a sober period of 6 years. And then he decided he could moderate.
He’s back to being sober now and says he fell to that type of thinking.
Before being involved in this community and reading all I have, I did not understand that phenomenon. Thank you for reinforcing it here.
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Keep us posted on your journey wish you well
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I am in the same boat with you on the timing. I am right over 10 months sober and had the same thoughts the other day. However, I looked around at all I have accomplished and how much better my life has been without it. That is one piece that gives me strength, but I think the biggest piece is just that I don’t want to go backwards. I feel like it would be like starting all over at square one again, and it would feel like I wasted all of that time working so hard to be sober only to ruin it. Keep your focus on the milestones. Tell yourself, “If I drink, I go from 10 months sober to zero and have to start all over.” The first most important relationship you have to tend to is the relationship you have with yourself (and for some folks God first, then yourself). You can’t be good for anyone else around you (partners, friends, family) without first tending to the relationship with yourself. So think of it like you have been dating yourself for 10 months and have just created this very strong relationship. If you were to go back to the side of addiction and have a drink, you are cheating on yourself. That relationship is damaged, and you have to start all over to try to rekindle it. Alcohol is like that bad ex you had that you know wasn’t right or good for you, but you kept going back because of the comfort factor and just hurt and punished yourself every time you did. So choose to respect and love yourself.
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I don’t have near 10 months yet but I have read on here that big anniversary numbers can trigger those wanting to be a moderate drinker thoughts. Maybe that is what is happening with you here? Stick it out and congrats on your honesty. 
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What I have learned is that for us humans the though of a FOREVER is always scary and very much not well taken by our minds. However like someone else said. Look at all the good you have accomplished thus far. Give that all the praise and reward your self. 10 months is great. perhaps just go back to the principle ODAAT, keep busy, come on here for all the support till you have been able to ride out these moments and these intrusive thoughts.
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