Hello,
First time using an app or seeking for any kind of help. I started drinking at a very early age and my father is a functional alcoholic. As a little girl I grew up thinking getting drunk everyday was fine and you could still leave a normal life,work and social life.
At the age of 35 my own father says I need to stop.
Coming from a very toxic relationship my issue just went downhill and being hangover all the time is a normal day for me.
I find a reason in everything to drink and I only stop until I put my demons to sleep and nearly unconscious.
People say when I drink I become someone else. And I feel someone else. I feel power and I feel like I don’t give a shit. I feel untouchable. When hungover strikes I feel I hit rock bottom again and let everyone I love down.
It has gone so bad I steal alcohol from my parents house, I drink hidden from my current boyfriend and I text hum awful stuff when I an drunk. I also started to drink in front of his kid. I drink sometimes until the morning to the point I have to call in sick to work because I am either still drunk or too hungover. I have bruises all over my body for hitting the furniture because I am too drunk to walk straight.
I also started to have memory loss and tremors in my hands if I go to many days trying to keep away from the driking. I lost my identity and I fear I will loose track of my life as well very soon.
I feel I am only fun and confident when I am drinking to death and without the booze the world is just simply boring. I feel like Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde… I am only hopping Mr.Hyde doesn’t win this battle. I am really hating having to sit down with him for a drink everyday inside my head.
I am not giving up, however I feel the light inside me is fading into a worthless zombie that craves for alcohol more than he craves for brains.
This only shows how deep my addiction is growing inside of me.
Any advice for this early stage?. I am lost and I need to sort my life before is too late. How to fight the urge. How to go out with friends without the need to drink alcohol or learn how to stop after a drink or two.
Thanks and good luck everyone out there who is trying to sober up and stay clean.
I feel like you are describing my life!! I thought i would not be able to have fun at social functions without vodka to bring me to life. At first it was hard. I have always struggled with low self-esteem and anxiety. But it does get better! Today I have been sober for 74 days, and i just spent the last 3 days at the second part of a self-improvement seminar… and let me tell you!!!.. i laughed, acted silly, i danced until i hurt, i talked to strangers, i sang until my throat was raw… all while completely sober… and it felt wonderful!!! You can do it!!!
@Hopeinside, welcome to a better, happier and healthier way of life. The chocie you’ve made today, to share your story with all of us, is a showing of the courage you have and how serious you are about making a change. I relate to your story. When I was drinking I thought there was no way I could live a life outside of drinking. How could I function? How could hangout with my friends? How can calm the vocies in my head? Well the truth is I wasn’t living, I wasn’t functioning and I don’t know what hanging out with my friends was like because I can’t remember. The vocies only grew louder and they starting saying “Eric this is how you’re going to die”. The mirror became my worst enemy… When I looked in it I saw nothing, felt nothing. I was already died a zombie walking the same path of death every day in a never ending cycle of pain and misery.
What changed you may ask? I made a choice the greatest chocie, I ever have made in my life. I choose to not drink that next day. I filled my time with exercise, yoga, meditation and AA meetings. One day at a time. I knew if I could just make it through those next 24 hours, I could find something, something I never knew in my adult life. What it means to be alive. To feel, to love, to mourn, to cry to be free. I am free of my worst enemy, my suffering, my misery. The prison I created within my own mind and the key was just outside the bars and all I had to do was pick it up and turn the key. I will tell you what was told to me it does get easier and life becomes so much better, so real and it’s beautiful. Fill your time, continue to reach out to others, find some meetings to go to or eatablish your own support system. Take it one moment at a time, one minute because every second you stay sober is a second that you took back your life. This fight is beyond worth doing. We know the feeling of hopless that your feeling right now but there is hope. Everyone here is a miracle and so are you. Today is the first of the rest of your life… Now how will you spend it? We stay sober.
Your reply just fills my heart with hope and strength.
Reading your text feels like you are inside my head and to know that are so many strong people out there even far away, other countries, telling their stories, struggles and being supportive makes me wanna be strong and start the fight of my life.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, but most of all taking the time to give support and kind words to help me go through all this
It has been only a day without drinking. After reading all the replies I feel strong and confident that I can have a beautiful life and make it through. That I don’t need to drink to exist. I know that at some point excuses to drink might start to show up and “Mr. Hyde” will be inviting me to sit down with him and drink but I won’t let him win this time.
It’s good to know that are so many kind people out there. Thank you for your support!
Thank you for your reply. I agree. The 3 replies I had from all of you was enough to ignite some hope inside me. I don’t think I could face AA meetings for now, I feel too ashamed. I believe the support here like you say is very meaningful and valuable and the support it can bring to someone’s life that has been in denial for so long like I have can be pricessless.
I agree, I will be avoiding social events for a while until I get it out of my system.
Maybe engage in some painting or meditation.
I want to be a better person, set an example and hopefully support someone in need just like you are all doing for me.
Welcome! Please don’t feel ashamed, we all are going through the same struggles and it’s good you’re here.
I can assure you, life is definitely not boring without alcohol, in fact it just gets better and better as your head clears as you feel good instead of hungover and sick and helpless. You start to really see all the beautiful things in life instead of being numb and in a fog. You discover the best version of yourself.
Glad you are here!
Claudia
That is my wife’s name! We are now separated after 25 yrs and my drinking. I was that functional alcoholic until that last 2-3 years and the disease turned worse. My dr. prescribed meds designed for alcohol urges naltrexone and Campral. Together they work great. With that and keeping busy I know I have a chance in life again. I may get bored but it’s become a matter of life or drink to death. You literally explained my life in detail. I can tell you if you don’t stop now it only gets worse with time, never better or can control your drinking. That feeling of waking up and not knowing what you did is terrifying. Please don’t let alcohol take the rest of you life and then wake up old or worse not wake up. This is serious stuff.
Hey lady…sounds like my story pretty much to a tee. Today though, is four weeks clean!!! (I dropped cigarettes and the occasional cocaine binge at the same time)
IT.IS. POSSIBLE.
I can tell you 28 days in, that the way I felt hungover the day before I decided to quit and the way I feel today, feels like I’m hardly the same person. It’s been chellenging…but damn am I glad I did it.
Your story rings so true to me. You are not alone. My mother was a high functioning alcohol but unfortunately it is what ended up killing her. I grew up thinking drinking every day was normal so it also took me until now (32) to even realize I was not like the rest. Drinking until you blackout is not okay. I used to call in sick to work too, or sometimes I would go in so hungover I would end up puking in the bathroom or sleeping in my car on my lunch break.
I am 47 days sober today. I also felt like I wouldn’t be able to have fun without alcohol but now I can have fun AND remember it! I can go out with friends, have a good time and not worry about waking up wondering what I potentially said or did that I may have to apologize for. Not have to worry about why my husband is giving me the silent treatment. Life without alcohol really is so much better. I’m still fresh into it but I really do believe this is the better life. Just give it some time, really commit to it and I bet you will realize you really love who you are sober.
I am so happy I joined this app and able to find so much encouragement and amazing people sharing their stories. Listening to all this just makes me realise that my issue can turn into something quite serious or even fatal. Seems you got had some serious issues to ocercome but happy you are here sharing your story and experience. I have done so many stupid things that I have put my life in danger including other people. One day I was so drunk I could barely see the road and I still took the car back home. I have no idea how I got there or were I parked.
Now looking back this is just one of the examples how I could have messed up my life or even end up in jail. You are absolutely right, this is serious, alcohol can kill us in so many ways
Thanks for your support, second day is almost gone, and so far didn’t crave for anything so I hope the following days remain like this.
I am doing the same. But cigarettes for me it’s easy. I normally smoke tons only if I am drinking. But if I don’t drink I don’t feel the need to smoke. So alcohol not only makes me act stupid but also smoke a full pack or more if I am drinking!
Very happy you are almost achieving your first month! I will not be going out for a while because it will putting myself under temptation and think "it’s just one drink, then 2 than 3 then Mr. Hyde comes again.
But I hope if I get to the first month I can go out with friends and fight back the urge until the day I won’t have to fight it any longer.
Even though this is just the beggining for me, I hope I can as many people as you are all helping me!
What you are saying is so true. And working hangover is such a nightmare. I had instances I went to work drunk as well. Stupid thing to do because some colleagues noticed I was definately not ok! I had one audit at work and my hangover was so big I thought I was going to trow up in the auditors table. So horrible. I can’t remember a single time for the past 5 years the going out and stay sober or have a juice, water or a coke. It is so bad that even taking medication and antibiotics I would still drink regarding the silent treatment I felt that sometimes but I also have the feeling I get very paranoid while hangover so I think everything is aimed at me and people are attacking me. So I get very defensive and mean to people. And if people started to say I should stop I would tell them they are boring and they don’t know how to party.
Now I just feel like an idiot because the person who doesn’t know how to have fun is me!
Keep that spirit Elena and looking foward to hear your progress
Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. !
Hello, i am new here about 8 days but a war veteran, started when i was 14 destroyed my life and fam till 18 ,went to prison, kept it clean for 7 years and returned to hell for couple of last years,was sober for a month until 8 days ago, lost my very good friend cuz i relapsed hard and heavy… Then i found this and belive me (i am not good at expresing myself trough writing) …couls not belive how many people feel the same and how similar the lives we had and how much it helps reading your posts , posts of life stories , words of support and all… Anyways i wish you all the strenght to endure and to all people who need it … I would say thank ypu to all the people here … It really helps hearing from people who exactly know how hot hell can be
And one more thing , i advise you to keep away from people in your life who are there only when you drink and who support it while not seeing or ack. your problem, every time i stoped i didnt have time to grow strong roots cuz i always let people who called me out for just one beer drag me back to hell. Now me my family gf and some people who always tried to keep me away from damaging myself . Keeping busy and i would rather be alone than in a bad company. A lot of good people unintentionaly did a lot of bad things to me… About my evildoing there isnt a book big enough…
Ugh drinking while on meds is the one thing I swore I’d never do and I never allow any of my friends to. That’s actually how my mother passed away. She had a cold and was taking medication for it but that didn’t stop her from going to her usual karaoke bar on a Saturday night. They ruled it as an accidental death but I will always blame the alcohol and the disease.
I’m glad you’re here! Looking forward to getting to know you better through your sober journey!
Well, you’ve got the first part well under way! Now find some flesh and blood humans who live nearby. Maybe AA meetings, maybe something else. Point is, have people in your day to day circumference who are part of your flesh and blood existence!
Hey!
Yeah…they sure do feed off one another don’t they?? For me it’s like…there are two speeds…zero and 100. No in between. At the end there…I was drinking every day. Like I would wake up, hungover…light up a cigarette…drink some coffee…feel like shit…eat shitty greasy food…still feel shitty, realize it was 11…go to the liquor store and get champagne (for now) and red wine (Incase I finished the champagne) And potato chips…and more cigarettes just Incase…then head back to my place to eat smoke and drink and try not to feel like shit…sober up somewhat, go to work, pray to make it through without people noticing…be so stressed out afterwards that I would either come home to drink more by myself or stop at the degenerate dive bar to eat more greasy food and drink. Wake up…do the same crap over again. Then…on a weekend…if there happen to be a way to get cocaine…I’d add THAT into the mix.
Finally, after a bender night complete with smoking and about two bottles of wine and coke, I spent the entire day with an even worse hangover than usual. It was just cold sweat, hot sweat, vomit, lay on tile floor, shuffle to couch to try to put on something that distracted me enough…repeat… ALL.DAY.AND. NIGHT.
And, while I’ve had MANY lost days similar to that one…I finally just said…ENOUGH. I’m 34 years old…I have no idea how many days I get on this earth…how many am I going to spend puking into my toilet?!
And so since then, it’s been…no drinking, smoking, blow, and also really just no processed foods or junk of any kind…I’m not saying it’s totally off limits…but I’m a chick…and part of the shit I was trying to block out by getting anhailated at night was all of the negative self talk I was doing about how I looked. My body is already starting to get back in shape…everything in my life is turning for the better, that is not an exaggeration.
And even still I think about drinking again. Addiction man…it’s crazy.
Thanks for letting me ramble
I’m sitting here with my tea, watching a documentary on opioid addiction …that’s one alley I thankfully never went down…
But seeing the desperation of addiction is…I don’t know…it’s helpful to look at 28 days later…and realize that I’m not there today. How are you? Staying stron tonight???
Hope all is well!
