Over the years if my alcohol “carrere” there is one thing that gets worse: the hangxiety and the shame.
I mean, i am a very nice person, i dont want to do anybody wrong and dont like discussions. But drunk me…omg. who is this?..after 1,2 drinks i am bubbly and funny but that changes after maybe a bottle of wine? I become sooo provocative about any Topic, i start discussions and sometimes i got do mean, devlish.. mostly over phone calls or messages… i dont know why? I hurt people and this is so hard to deal with the next day…i know…i apologize, but it will happen again in a few days. I act like a child that doesnt get what it wants…
I also have blackouts . I cant even remember most of the things i wrote! Bc drunk me deletes of course all of the evidence!!! I got in contact with exes or people i really dont need in my life anymore. I make up stories about myself…how great my life is, my education, my job etc… mostly LIES!
the day after is like a real horror story, its not the headache or the tiredness…it is your guilt and shame what you said.
I dont want to be this person anymore! I love people, i love my friends and family… where does this monster come from? I would never act like that sober!
So, the only solution to kill it is being sober…and staying sober
I know there are some people who can relate…dont let the monster win! Lots of love
Welcome to the community and your sobriety journey.
Keep that drunken image of you in your mind as a reminder of what it means to go backwards. You do not want that monster in your life. Make a plan and surround yourself with support to help you stay on the sober path. We are unable to do this journey alone and the early days are the most difficult so be prepared and equipped with a battle plan.
One Day At A Time - you are among friends here so lets do this together
Thank you for your support. Youre right…the first weeks are pretty bad. I cant remember when i broke 3 weeks sober…maybe twice the last 10 years! I know it will get better
I often heard: when youre drunk it brings out the real you
I can say… this person has nothing incommon with me or my character!!
I hear you. I did a lot of embarrassing things when I was drinking, and I know I don’t remember all of them. I hated waking up and having to check my phone to see who I texted or what I bought.
But I don’t think it’s accurate to say that wasn’t me. It was. And I have to own that. Because to the people I hurt–to them, there’s no difference between “real me” and “drunk me”. I hurt them.
I totally agree with @JazzyS : write down all of the awful, embarrassing, hurtful things you said or did while drinking so you can remember your why. If you’re anything like I used to be, as soon as the hangover is over, your addict brain will work overtime to try and make you think that this time will be different. It won’t be!
Thank you for your support.
Youre right: it was me! For sure and trust me, the things i have said and done (that i can recall) will always, always be in my mind.
I just dont understand where this “hateful” mind comes from… it must be something deep inside my sober mind that only comes out when i blackout drink.
I have an appointment next week at a medical center to start with Therapy again
Just happy to be here and surrounf myself with people who can relate
This change of character is a chemical reaction to alcohol in your brain messing up the neurotransmitters and shutting down one area after another. alcohol is a neurotoxine. there’s solid science literature on the effects of alcohol on the body. you can find interesting posts & links in the Knowledge category.
by the way: bleach doesn’t have the same effect. it just damages your body and kills you when you drink enough. it doesn’t mess your brain chemistry. and it’s damage is immediate.
You gotta know who you are to fight this beast, get to really know who you are in your sobriety…work on that heavily so you are solid in it, it will serve you well
Addiction, no matter what kind of, changes people. It turns us in our worst selves. We hurt people we love, maybe the ones who wants to help us.
The only thing we can do now is be willing to get out of this circle, apolpgize when necessary and finally, treat our loved ones good but also forgive ourself for what happened. We cannot change it anyway but we can try to be a better person.
Happy youre here and keep going! Be proud of who you are, we are all so much more than just addicts or alcoholics or bad persons! we struggle but we will not give up
Yes I can relate. I dont know who I am when I become drunk and angry. Especially around my kids. But with 6 months sober I can tell they are so happy that im staying sober.
What you are describing is two common effects of alcohol. First is lowering, then removing, inhibitions. We learn to not tell lies and to not hurt people. One chemical effect of alcohol is to remove that learning temporarily - those higher centers of the brain that control our behaviors are disabled.
Second, a blackout is a failure to form a memory. This is also a direct chemical effect of alcohol. Given enough time and alcohol intake, the ability to form memory may be damaged so that outside the presence of alcohol, we have difficulty forming some memories. This does get better with increased abstinence.
Shame and trying to keep lies straight is not part of my life today, thanks to sobriety and the program of recovery that I practice. You can reach that kind of integration, where intention, attitude, behavior and emotion are all in sync with each other.
5 days sober today.
Its gonna be a hard evening bc i am alone at home, warm weather and I would LIE by saying a glass of wine wouldnt be a reward for this hard week.
But I am thinking about tomorrow. Sunny saturday and do I want to be hangover and sleepy all day full of regrets? HELL NO!
Too many days has already been waisted by alcohol .. i will pick up my reward tomorrow by being clear and full on energy
Stay strong, soldiers!! We can do it!
Alcohol definitely brings out our inhibitions but I don’t think that means that is the “real” us. You are right..drunk you is not the REAL you @Promilla1987!
ALCOHOL LIES! Every time we get a few days clean we start thinking oh yeah I got this and one drink will be fine. You are smart to play the tape forward and think about how bad you will feel. Also, the longer you go without alcohol, I can attest to the fact the anxiety goes away. I did not realize how much anxiety I had until I quit drinking and the anxiety left me. You are almost to a whole week stay strong!
Nobody ever regretted waking up sober
Unwind with some nice activity, a walk, a shower with your favourite shower gel, a yummi dinner at home in comfy cloths, scented candles, lovely music or an interesting podcast, do something unusual (my goto was deep cleaning the toilet to cope with cravings for quite some time ).
Your reward is that today YOU takes good care of tomorrow YOU and tomorrow YOU will be grateful for it.
we struggle but we will not give up
I can relate. I dont know who I am when I become drunk and angry. Especially around my kids. But with 6 months sober I can tell they are so happy that im staying sober.
