I feel like im going mad. I dont drink normal. I dont drink like my peers. Ive been hiding my drinking and behaviours. Family and friends do not know where i am in my drinking. My closest friends and famly know i have a problem, they know ive been dipping in and out of AA. But even they dont know the desent ive taken in my life. I was 4 days sober yesterday, and i drank again. Im british, and drank 9 pints of beer and did questionable stuff, and woke up with a hang over. I worked late last night and missed my meeting, but in hindsight it was an excuse and i could of made it, if i wanted it. Anyway, i found time to drink 9 pints. Whats holding me back from soberity and AA is my EGO. What will people think? What will people say? How do i tell a woman when i meet her, “oh hey, im not a daily drinker, but when i drink its alcoholicly and make awful decisions” what do i tell my 7 year old son when hes older. Your Daddy is a failure and a mess up, who has to go to AA. My father is an alcoholic whos been in recovery for 15 years, his father by todays standards would of been an alcoholic, but back then was just a heavy drinker. My Dad and mum are both encouraging me to go to AA and give myself to the programme. For me i enjoy drinking at the time, that’s why im doing it, but the next day and usual wrong choices eat me alive, because i know what im doing is wrong. Ive been banned from driving, ive had to leave jobs and miss opportunities and ive fallen out with people, all because of alcohol. Because of this all the jack the lad, jovial attitude to drinking has gone, and been replaced by the hurt and upset of past events tramatising my next day. Ive been in and out of AA now for 2 or 3 years. A head full of AA and a belly full of beer, dont mix. I know at this stage the only thing holding me back is my EGO and arrogance and shame of what people will think. I need advice on how to humble myself and smash past this wall i believe is holding me back. I feel like im going insane.
Edging God Out , keep trying meetings time to surrender and give it a real go wish you well
It’s a private matter and you don’t need to say anything. Suggest to any partner other activities or non drinking centric meet ups, and start on the right foot, anyone you meet thru drinking will be the wrong fit long term so go around that one in your search for love. You just don’t drink, it’s really not a crime or abnormal.
Tell your son that you chose a path for the good of everyone and him, a path that would make you present and available. Tell him drink was just wasting your time and there’s so much more to life and love. I doubt he will question any of this, probably just think it’s cool and follow example.
Good luck. British drinking is changing slowly, but we need to change ourselves first!
I know the fear, brother. The thought that “I don’t drink all the time” held me back forever. Let me tell you, that’s called denial.
A daily drinker and a binge drinker have something in common. Alcoholism.
You have to surrender yourself and your ego to the fact that you’re an alcoholic. Just as I did.
I was so afraid of admitting it. But as you’re feeling now, I woke up with that intense feeling of shame and depression. I decided then I was just going to let the people close to me know I had a problem and I was addressing it. Now, that’s not to say I broadcasted it on social media or other platforms. But I told my close friends, my family, and anyone else I deemed necessary.
Let’s be real though. They all knew.
You’re son sees you too. You may think, “Ah, he’s too young to know whats going on.” That’s the furthest from the truth. You know you don’t want him to go through the anguish that you’re going through. If you continue, he will grow up seeing you do this. He will eother never drink because he watched you drink (good that he wont drink but its probably because hes resenting you), or he will drink because he watched you drink (also not a good thing because you see what it is doing to your own life).
You CAN do this. You are the master of your own ego. You have to take control and put your pride aside.
I believe in you! One day at a time! And keep coming back! This app has helped me tremendously with the amazing and supportive people who engage here.
Hi there, welcome! I’m glad you’ve reached out.
In reading your message, I am reminded of how messy and unmanageable my life was before I quit drinking. I knew for a long time that I needed to quit but it took me what feels like FOREVER to actually do it.
This stood out SO much to me, because I used to have very similar thoughts. I felt like I was weak if I needed a program or couldn’t drink.
The thing is, we aren’t failures if we really surrender to change our lives. We learn how to be a good partner and parent. We learn how to set a good example. How to be a better person. I did none of that when drinking, I just continued to be a shitshow.
AA is a godsend. I had no idea how to live a productive and truly HEALTHY life. But I had to surrender and really do the work to live in the program.
When I tell people I don’t drink, I’m occasionally asked why. And I tell them my life is better this way, because it IS! I don’t need to get into anything else.
I felt like a failure at times because I couldn’t drink that poision “successfully” but, it’s poision and it kills us so that was an inaccurate mindset. I had to change my mindset to surrender to my reality. My life was unmanageable and I was powerless over alcohol. I have one drink and the drink takes me-I can not successfully have one.
Drinking was normal in my life and family-sobriety was foreign. But my son and my family get to witness this BEAUTIFUL new way of life. I’m no longer negatively impacting the lives of others with my alcoholism. Instead, I show healthy healing and an entirely new way of life just by being this new version of myself that working the program allowed me to blessed enough to have.
Just a question…you said your dad has been in recovery for 15 years. Do you see him as a failure? Chances are good you don’t see him the same way you’re thinking of yourself.
Giving myself completely to REALLY work the program was honestly the BEST thing I’ve ever done. It truly saved my life.
I hope you find what you need my friend!
Thank you all for the replies. Its helped me. And i dont see dad as a failure, i see him as a massive success, and i love him very much. AA has given me a sober present and good dad for the last 15 years. Its time I humble myself and follow my dads example, for myself and for my son.
Welcome, @Doublelifelad . Thanks for sharing your story. I think TS is an amazing supportive community. Glad you are here.
This hits the heart for sure! Dad IS a success and you can be the same. You too can be present and a success story for your son to look up to. You CAN do this and surrender to letting your life REALLY change!
It sounds like you will have some great support from your dad too, which is amazing. My dad died from his alcoholism and it perpetuated a cycle of pain for a long time. Not only is it amazing that he can help to support you, that’s a pain our children don’t need to suffer through too because it absolutely does impact them.
Sending you all the best! 
If you click on my profile picture you can read my story. My day one started shortly after my daughter says to me" Mom, I liked you more sober"
How do you want your son remember you? He’s still very young so if you play your cards right your son never remember the drinking dad.
Be an example for him and break the circle of drinking dads in your family.
Like others said above. You do not have to proove others anything but yourself.
I am a non drinker to people who I do not know ore who are not close to me. And for the people close by? They know about my drinking problem and that I was strong enough to “fix” it and that I’m sober for many years know!
I decide what I share with whom and how much.
Use your ego to quit, how would you like to be remembered? 
Those who matter won’t mind, those who mind don’t matter.
If they truly care about you they’ll encourage you to do the best thing for you, they’ll help you & cheer you on.
Do what is right for you. Getting help doesn’t make you a failure, asking for help is one of the hardest things to do. You are taking the right steps by coming on here & talking about it.