I relapsed unfortunately 
my post is in the relapse area.
Tianeptine got its grips on me. I’m trying to taper but… Tough.
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Oh man, I’m sorry to hear that!! Praying for you!! I’ve never heard of tianeptine but I believe that you got this n you can beat it!! Always here if you need anyone to talk to. 
Having issues mustering strength to taper. Tia is not illegal which is another issue. It needs to be. 1 state has banned it. 2 are about to. Too scared to cold turkey this stuff. Heroin withdrawal looks like a cake walk compared to Tia. Tianeptine is a anti depressant in other countries. It also works on the opiate receptors. So… Take high doses of it, get a opiate out of it. But to withdraw you not only have classic opiate withdrawal symptoms, you also have anti depressant withdrawal symptoms. I learned once that my moods got so bad that I wanted to go to a psych ward. I was covered in sweat, chills, anxious, panic, then depressed, then angry, then suicidal, then anxious. So… I definitely need to muster strength to taper.
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I totally agree that you need to taper. Sounds like an awful drug to be honest. The withdrawals from opiates is enough to make you crazy so I can only imagine what you’re going through. I lowered my dose every month n not drastically either. It took me several months to get to the lowest dose possible without taking anything. It was more of a mind over matter when I got to the lowest dose possible. But you can do ANYTHING through God!! I didn’t go to meetings or rehab, I just finally said enough is enough n I was tired of that orange devil ruining my life. I couldn’t stand feeling like I couldn’t function without it. Being an addict is exhausting n getting free from that crap is liberating!! I still have family members who are a victim to that crap n I’m trying to convince them that if I can quit after 8 yrs, they can too!! You just gotta want to be sober more than you want that stupid drug. I guess that’s what they call rock bottom… I’m not sure if you’ve heard of vivitrol or not but it’s non addictive n it’s to treat opiate n alcohol cravings. Maybe ask your doctor about that?? But more than anything I think you need a great support system n this app has done wonders for a lot ppl. Like I said I’m always here n willing to talk even if it’s about stupid shit lol!! One second, one min, one hour, one day… At a time. You got this!!
168 days clean from the opiates guys hope you’s all good ! Safe to say since I have been clean I rarely have the pain. Everyday I think of them tho been close a few times.anyway just saying hello and sending love to all ex opiate user and abusers
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I’m just being a failure. Huge failure right now. I can’t gain the strength maintain self control to taper.
Every time I try to taper I can’t even get 2 doses in before I tell myself “well maybe just one more higher dose then I’ll continue tomorrow.”
3 times now. I have giant signs up to remind myself the issues at hand where I keep it.
I ordered a jar looking thing on Amazon with a timer lock on it. Going to use it to keep the tianeptine in it until dose time. Yes the addict in me may want to rip it apart to get at it. However my issue is just how easy it is for me to get at it right now. I’m hoping that with it being in there I will have something to slow me down and hopefully calm me down to not take it.
I have also just contacted my mom to hopefully help. Since I have tried 3 times obviously I can’t do this alone. And I don’t exactly live in an area flourishing with detox facilities. Plus I just don’t want to risk being gone for ## days at a facility when I should be working. Just don’t want to risk my job, even though yes it’s technically medically related, with how the country is right now.
I’m just a big **inserts every word related to failure ***…
C’mon big man part of me feels you might be trying too hard?all the signs,the mind fucking isn’t good everyone has different methods m8 a went cold turkey and dam a Don t fancy doin that shit again lol u need some family or friends around for company.
No friends. Destroyed that group when I fell into intense drug addiction. Haven’t seen them in 10 years or so. And yeah I’ve reached out to a few of them. Get like 2 replies before chat goes dead.
My mom won’t be able to come down for a week.
My brother and I don’t get along. And the drug issue will make it worse. Way worse. He’s older and very very very bitter angry.
Tia Tia is horribly fiendish. Short half life so it doesn’t last long. This creates compulsive need to redose more and more as duration shortens.
So I’m trying to mind F myself so I can control my dosing better. Currently 3x a day. Don’t want more than that. And it is starting to almost turn into that
Why don’t you go to a detox facility? You cannot lose your job, if you live in the US. It’s against the law for your employer to terminate you under these circumstances.
This is super long. Sorry. If people don’t want to read - just skip to the last paragraph with 2 sentences. (Dont think other people are even reading this thread anymore… been pretty quiet. I want to say something depressing about people not caring but … who cares?)
My mom came down for 2 days, then she will be returning later in the week for as long as needed for me to get control on my life again.
My dad will be here tomorrow just to visit for 1 day (he has a doc appointment down here). He is not aware of my relapses that started up when covid isolation started. My mom and I have kept it away from him. Even though he is caring and such, he does not handle someone in his family being an addict very well. He doesn’t handle someone with mental concerns in his family very well. He used to threaten that he would get 3 signatures to have me involuntarily put in a psych ward. This was when I had a massive breakup with someone and it hit me so hard I had basically been consumed into a black hole of depression. I was such a mess that it bothered him to the point of threatening to put me in a psych ward.
Here is the important point I am trying to make about my dad:
Back in 2016 when I had my overdose on fentanyl and almost died, a few days later he said "you have to stop taking that shit… if you keep this up then I am kicking you out and you can live on the street."
If he was serious or more of a saying to help stay sober - I am taking it serious as I have nowhere to go. No friends to go to. My brother would have no part of this as he is just like my dad. I would have no idea where to go and no idea how to live and probably find a way to just end it all because my depression would consume me.
Anyways back to my update.
My time lock Jar arrived and is working as I intended. I put the Tia in it and set the timer for the next dose. Multiple times ive had the urge to want to take another dose on top of my 3 planned doses a day but I can’t anymore because its locked. Sure… an addict would want to break the thing open but I am in at least control to at least not do that.
Since my mom is here and its my day off - I decided to cut my taper doses in half today to see how it goes. In case I get the usual opiate withdrawal symptoms (heavy sweaty, fatigue, restless, etc) tomorrow I will resume the usual dose. I cannot have that going on with my dad being here or have him suspicious.
This morning my mom and I went to a few stores. (my parents live in a cabin on a lake in the middle of nowhere so she tends to do some shopping down here even though my dad and I tell her some of these stores are not worth covid risk). We went to a pet store to pick up some supplies for my cat.
Then we went to her store next. I went in to buy a drink as my mouth was super dry. Then went back to the car and wait for her. When I left the store she was in the checkout line that was going SUPER slow. I was waiting in the car ready to drive up and pick her up but kept waiting and waiting and waiting. Other people were leaving and the wait went on and on. I had no calm to slowly build up to anger. I went from calm to super ultra rage (not normal for me at all). I was just so mad at how long this was taking. I had to close the windows as I started yelling in rage. I was punching parts of the car inside from the rage. Eventually she walked out and I calmed down.
I’d like to remind anyone reading this that tianeptine is technically a antidepressant that also binds to opiate receptors. So I get opiate and anti-depressant withdrawal so I suspect my sudden rage was from the anti-depressant side of withdrawal. Just like how I am depressed instead as I type this.
We got home and I started to feel super depressed the moment I was finally alone. Which is why I am posting here.
I’m a loser.
I’m a failure.
I suck.
I cannot handle life.
Why I am always doing this to myself?
Why am I a pathetic loser who can’t stay sober?
Why can’t I save my money to buy groceries and eat? Instead of buying drugs…
Why couldn’t I have just died in that overdose?
Etc…
I took a towel and put it in front of my mouth and just screamed some of those things. And thats how I feel right now.
@Lisa07
I wouldn’t mind going to a detox facility. But I live in a area that just doesn’t have any. Sure I could travel but you have to remember my anxiety would just want me to stick this out by myself instead of going to some place unknown. Of course I would meet new people in a detox facility that might help my lack of people to talk to situation.
You are correct about my job stuff. But you also have to remember that now I mentioned my dad situation. I just cannot risk him having a rage fit over my substance abuse. He is not whatsoever someone who can handle me being a drug addict. Back in 2016 when I would go thru withdrawal he was never around for the physical symptoms. Of course like ive said before my parents live at the cabin anyways. But my mom tends to come down to help me out, especially so that I was able to get to work. Calling in sick was unacceptable in their eyes. Anything that might threaten my job is a big issue to them even if I don’t see it that way. I am sure my parents think that - yes they cannot fire me for my health issues but then they might find something else to use as a reason to fire.
After the physical symptoms passed - my dad and mom would switch spots pretty much. When my dad was down here he was never really pleasant to be around. Since he doesnt know about my relapse right now or the others - he is perfectly fine to be around. In fact I would rather be around him than my mom. My dad is more relaxed. My mom just doesnt sit still lol. So I am often running around helping her out with things. She might be watching her TV show then suddenly might get bored of it and ask me to help her mow the lawn. LOL…
Back to my dad… when my dad was down here for my withdrawal and I was pass the physical symptoms. He would be here to make sure I stayed clean and was able to get to work - again very focused on work. They were 75% focused on me getting to work and 25% how I was doing. Also - I would give my parents my ambien prescription so I wouldn’t abuse it during withdrawal. I would have to get 1 pill from them around 9pm at night. My mom doing this, no issue. My dad on the other hand… I would walk into his room and ask for my ambien. He would just point at the 1 pill he left on the desk by the door and say “You need to quit this shit and get your act together. You cannot risk your job over this shit.” and stuff like that.
So why don’t I go to a detox facility? Money is a big issue. But so is how my family views me and the actions my dad might take and kick me out of this house.
In the long run - he isn’t wrong…
I am a 31 year old male still living in his parents house (at least without them) who cannot maintain financials and suffers from extreme drug addiction. Simply put. I am just a loser in peoples eyes…
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A think you parents want u stand on your own two feet a get everyone needs help and has problems neal a think you need to own it take control and depend on no fucker.
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There are so many threads on here and it’s hard for all of us to keep up. If it’s not staying active with posts, it will drop down the list. You have to keep posting on it in order to bump it back up to the top.
You mentioned money is a big issue why you don’t go to detox along with your family views of you. There are many ways to get state help with this, you have to be willing to do the research. Also, I would think your family would be happy that your seeking the help you need. If they’re not, that’s on them, not you. You’re 31, don’t you think it’s about time you stand on your own 2 feet and fight for what you need when it comes to your addiction? I ran into a similar circumstance when I needed help. My husband told me I didn’t dare leave him and my daughter to get help. Well, I was determined to get the help and no one (including my family) was going to stop me. I wish you the best on your journey.
Btw…I do have to mention, my DOC is pain pills and when you went into details about this new drug, I experienced cravings like I never did before. Maybe be a little less descriptive when talking about that on the forum. This could be another reason why you’re not getting as much activity on your thread.
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Where you from lisa ?
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I’m in the US from New Jersey.
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Part of me wants to start a new thread simply for someone to message on here when I want to try to rip open that container and destroy my taper. Someone who gets notified about the msg within like an hour to simply reply with… No your an idiot… Lol
Sorry didn’t fully read your reply yet. Just came to post the stuff above. Will read it in a few.
But if your a pain pills person with cravings then id like to remind about withdrawal when your coated in sweat restless, nothing is interesting, can’t sleep… Even those brain zaps. I get those mainly coming off synthetics like tramadol or fent. I hope putting this in your head helps get rid of those cravings.
Edit… I’d feel awful if I cause others to relapse. I am also back to normal in terms of emotions.
I had the withdrawals for 7 solid days barely slept had awful bowel movements sweats nervous had mad electric shocks neal buddy u have to ride it out and own your shit. Your not having much worse withdrawal symptoms than any us sorry to say it but grow a set be strong and honestly m8 u will feel twice the man wen u come put other end make yourself proud and in time u will b glad u did
It’s much easier to go thru withdrawal when you don’t have such easy access product when it’s not illegal. That’s how I used to cold turkey things.
What I really just want to do get the dose down 25% then jump and CT. But I would use non-addictive meds to try and sleep thru it. I was recently prescribed tizanidine to take daily, one in morning one in night. Help prevent migraines. My doc must have been high when he wrote that I should take it in the morning because it knocks you out hard.
But timing now of parents being here throws that off. My mom would not accept that as an option if I did CT.
I did read tizanidine is supposed to help with withdrawal along the line of clonidine. I guess if I took like 1/8 of the pill that could be. I tried taking half the other night and I was out like a rock again. Lol
True yes hope u do it buddy
Edited my post right as you posted fyi
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If it works for u then all means go for it hope u can get it right