Either the anxiety or the depression from opiate withdrawal is gonna win

Emotional Support
1

My anxiety leads me to opiates. Its the only drug I abuse. I don’t abuse benzos etc. Only opiates.

I have agoraphobia. I take walks down the neighborhood in the evening and get very uncomfortable anxiety when I walk past someone or even someone in their driveway.

I have always been a pc gamer. Started with counter strike in 2000. I still play pc games. But like every opiate lover we have our hobbies with drugs well I played lots of hours in world of warcraft and other games while high.

Sober me doesn’t want to play a single game. My new gaming laptop sits unused.

I’m single. I live alone. I have no friends anymore. No social life. I’m completely alone.

My mom is the only supportive one. But my parents live at their cabin 4 hours away. I’m tired, so tired, of calling my mom because I have to either go thru withdrawal and can’t take it alone. Or my anxiety is so bad that I can’t get it under control and I need her to come down. Sure talking over the phone at times helps but not always.

I have clonazepam for my panic but it can be a long hour before it kicks in.

Yesterday I totally lost it. I have never been in the situation yesterday.

Being clean 14 days my anxiety will go crazy when I get a runny nose or chills or excessive yawns. ANYTHING that mimics opiate withdrawal.

Yesterday before work ended I started to get anxious. By the time work ended, work from home, I also had a runny nose. I was fine at the time. Watched TV. But I kept feeling a little cold. So I turned the AC off. It was 76 in the house and I was still cold. So I went for a walk. As I was walking I finally decided I had the chills cause i was still cold.

My anxiety was flaring. I took 1mg clonazepam and called my mom to help distract me while it kicked in.

I mean cmon 14 days? How could I be in physical symptoms withdrawal?

We talked for about 30 minutes. For me clonazepam takes an hour just to start. And I have rapid dissolve tablets.

2 hours I’m a mess. Now my legs hurt. Aches like opiate wd.

I try to lay down because I feel tired but the moment I touch the bed I explode with anxiety and sweat. My body feels like it just wants to stretch inside of itself. Hard to explain to very uncomfortable.

I go take a bath. Full of epsom salt. Lavender to try and calm me down. I took another 0.5mg clonazepam. My doc would be pissed. Only 1 every 8 hours. But if he saw me I’d be probably in the psych ward.

While in the bath my emotions went from depressed to pissed. I was pissed because of how I felt. It’s bs. 14 days. I don’t want to call my mom down cause I’m such a mess it’s 4 hour drive. But my depression suddenly wants me to either call her or might as well go to a psych ward. I’m not getting better. Id have a burst of a cry. Then burst of pissed off.

I got out of the bath. Went to the bed as I was tired again. And just stretched every muscle. My rls said hello too. I tried to ignore the weird internal stretch feeling.

I made sleepytime tea and chamomile tea. Drank both.

Crawled back into bed. Took 2 Ambien. Didn’t care at this point. I needed to get knocked out.

Well it didn’t help.

It’s like my anxiety was behind a wall and my meds couldn’t get it.

Called my mom again. Told her to come down cause I was flipping out. She came down today. Of course im better today.

I have NEVER had a night like that before. I’ve done aoda therapy. It’s bs imo. One on one therapy, fine. Group? Hell no. I’m sorry but if I’m going to get clean hearing sad stories will not help.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to go see a psychiatrist. I don’t want to be a Guinea pig all over for meds. I have done that so many times. I’m hyper sensitive to meds. I will get that side-effect that has 0.9%chance of happening… Cause it did and landed me in the hospital for a week.

I hate therapy. I’ve seen therapists over the years and I just hate it.

Then I get the bills. I’m so glad I spent $415 to talk about myself and get told to PRACTICE MY BREATHING EXERCISES. What… Am I 8 all over again? I’ve been hearing about about anxiety since I was at least 8 having panic attacks.

I got kicked out of addiction therapy once. They required me to do anxiety group therapy then I could come back. I was actually happy. I was tired of the bs. Tired of piss tests. Tired of a psychiatrist who never looked at you when you saw him. He just typed on his computer and Asked questions. And check my prescription records to make sure I wasn’t doc shopping.

This same asshole psychiatrist who cut me off 8mg suboxone because they kicked me out of addiction therapy. He would not fill it again. I had 3 8mg strips left. I had been on it for months. ANYONE can tell you suboxone withdrawal is hell. All the doc did was give me clonidine.

If I had drug contacts locally I would have relapsed because it was awful. Longest withdrawal ever.

Anyways. I typed all this to show I’ve been thru the cycle of things.

I don’t know what to do. I need to find someone other than my mom.

I have no interest in dating right now. But I think that’s effexor blocking my life out as antidepressants do.

3 Likes
2

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life (not that I ever realized that until I started having panic attacks around age 21). Once I started taking opiates regularly(at 30), I felt the affects of withdrawal almost immediately. It starts with this tingly, itchy, annoyance behind my shoulders that goes all the way down the back of my arms to my fingers. Like I have to keep moving in order to not feel it. I’ve been away from them for months at a time and still ‘imagine’ withdrawal. Or if I’d only take one pill after so long the withdrawal affects still last over a week. I now think it’s part of my mind exaggerating those feelings. I’ve been in panic attacks where I thought I was going to die but then a single touch from someone else brings me back to a calmer state. I’m not trying to downplay what’s happening with you, but I know for myself that my mind can be my own worst enemy. I think you should open your mind to new ideas and suggestions, and follow through, or you’ll keep being stuck. Nothing will change if nothing else changes.

4 Likes
3

You’ve really been through a lot. Any and all of that is enough to drive someone into a state of anxiety if they didn’t already have it. I understand what you’ve been through. My main doc was opiates/opioids. It is hell to get off of, especially to be pulled off suboxone in that way. It’s no wonder you’re still suffering. I know you were given Clonidine but it does help with the leg restlessness and can take some of the edge off. Clonazepam is shit, but I’m biased because it causes me to fly into an uncontrolled rage–which is something to see because I’m mostly fairly calm.

You are welcome to message me any time you’d like. I look at this forum fairly often; sometimes more and sometimes less, but I do know what you’re going through and I’m willing to at least give you someone to talk to.

1 Like
4

Thank you for the reply. Yes currently my mental state likes to mess with me.Iam sure it won’t be the last. My anxiety dominates my life.

1 Like
5

Thx for the reply. Yep the mind like to pull some serious stress out of itself. I know what you mean when the mind blows up every little thing…

I’m trying to change. But I’m stuck. Since I don’t have any other person in the area to help with me. My brother would do nothing other than be pissed off. He wouldn’t even know how to react if I can’t control my panic.

My sister lives in Maryland (I’m Wisconsin) so she’s of no help. Literally. At one point she was the person to talk to… Then she got married
And has 2 kids. I’m glad she could be the bright
star of the family. What am I of the family? The mental patient. Probably how my family sees me.

. I’m sure she will ask if I’m clean when we meet up for family vacations. But early on she kept telling my parents I would fall the path of drugs. She learned of my habit on Christmas day when I got out of the hospital from a Fentanyl overdose Christmas eve. Almost died. Sometimes I really wish I had

I mean if my parents die ill likely be unable
To control anxiety. I’d be screwed. Probably just be the next one in the family to go

Ovid I’m negative but I’m being realistic. Nobody to talk to… I don’t know how to find people these days. Covid destroyed a lot. But

2 Likes
7

Hope your ok buddy im 142 days opiates (codeine) free you can do it too the body and mind incredible machines am just blathering a never know wat to say just hope u really want to do it and get clean

4 Likes
9

Top of the world buddy even tho the rain is hammering us in Scotland lol…usual how’s things

2 Likes
11

Wow. I could have sworn I wrote that LOL. Oh wow that is so comparable.

I post on reddit a lot and am going yet add l-tyrosine and 5htp+ both from Amazon. Both some hyped up super version of course to make sales compared to other versions. But it’s what others in opiate recovery recommended.

I guess both help the brain with its dopamine levels. After coming off the stuff our brains are super low in dopamine. Like you said it takes time to get our brains on track.

This isn’t my first rodeo obviously.

I discovered dark net silk road stuff back when it started but too confused and such by it.

When Wisconsin banned kratom well I lost my legal pain killer. And they still have it banned unlike other states… My doc gave me oxycodone 10mg. Not my first time with oxycodone but first with just oxycodone and not percocet with Tylenol. And off we go. He won’t refill it a 2nd time. I do ask for a lower dose to come off of it for no withdrawal and I was shocked he agreed to 5mg.

A month later of going crazy wanting more I revisit the dark net. Little different now. By now silk road 1 and 2 were shut down. It was 2016 and I discovered the amazon of drugs.

Bad for addict bad very bad. I spent the entire year on the cycle. Using, withdraw, wait for package, use, withdraw, package… I got pretty much every opiate. But It was fent that became my doc.

Anyways I discovered u44770. Completely banned now. It was fent without the sedation with oxy energy euphoria. This stuff would be the end of me. It was cheap very cheap. (later, actually a month ago I learned they basically sold it in China for nothing which brought it to us)…
Every time you used. The lesser it lasted. Every time you used the faster withdrawal set in. By the end of a 1g back, last 5 days, the drug would last me 30 minutes. I had repulsive redosing. This would my drug of worst withdrawal ever. I know it scarred my mental side. Within 12 hours you had every symptom of withdrawal. I would scream in my bed for help with nobody around. At this time I did not know the magical side of suboxone. I wish I did.

This would go on for 3 months. At one point my parents finally learn of my habit. I called my mom in fear of od. It wasnt od… It was serotonin syndrome at its worst. This was the beginning of the end. I needed to get clean.

My mom came down and I went thru withdrawal. She’s the only one in the family to see me sweating constantly, so exhausted, shaking, crying to make it end, etc. She’s a doctor too so when I said fent od she was on the way down even tho 4 hours away.

I was good for a month. Even went to aoda counselor for assessment on my own. I was considered extreme risk…

My parents didn’t believe them. I did. But I couldn’t take off work for the days of therapy.

Skip to December 22. Its the holiday. I’m not going sober. I get 5g of u44770. I’m still dumb as hell.

I was awake 2 days on it. Then I had to drive me older bro to cabin for parents. Think about it. I was awake on that stuff 2 days… Still going…

I don’t 1/3 of the way. Felt tired. Bro and I switched. He went to bathroom so I did a small bump. Then another.

My bro starts driving.

I take out my phone to check my dating apps messages. (I also have no interest in dating… No idea why. I’ve tried and tried) last thing I remember was trying to send a message and couldn’t focus on it. Got really tired…

…
My brother now knows of my issues…

Remember we were driving to the woods. At some point in the drive there will be very little hospitals.

We were in the area of that turning point. Last hospital for awhile.

My brother looked over and saw I was passed out. He asked if I wanted anything to eat, no response. He gets food from inside somewhere. He comes back out, im still asleep.
He tries to wake me up easily at first.
Tried slapping me awake. I actually remembered that but went right out.
I was now turning blue.
He called my mom. She knew fast what was wrong and said to get me to er fast.

The er visit is another story I can share if you want. It was not a fun time I’ll say. Scarred me too.

2 Likes
13

You are not alone. That is your addict voice talking, trying to get its fix. There are people here for you all hours. People all over the world who understand what you are going through. Withdrawal is mental as well as physical and it’s the mind that takes longer to adjust. 14 days is a great achievement so be proud. You are stronger than you realise. Good luck and I hope you feel a little better day by day.

2 Likes
14

Paws suck. Come out of nowhere.

If you really want this horror of me OD experience… I remember it very well. I hate that I remember it.

Ok remember I had been awake 2 days nights straight on u44770. My bro went in to the bathroom so I did more. He came back out. I looked at my phone when it went black.
…
Christmas eve 2016

Suddenly it went black.
Cold. I felt like I was left in freezing water.
I was laying in a bed?
No. How’d I get to a bed?
I opened my eyes but it was blurry.
I could hear people walking around me.
Suddenly I hear… “His eyes opened. He’s responding. **MY NAME ** can you hear me? I need you to try and focus on me.”
I looked over to nurses and a doctor. I mumbled yes but when I tried to talk
“**MY NAME ** I need you to keep your eyes open. Do not go back to sleep. Do everything you can to keep your eyes open.”

My brain was in like slow motion during all this. I swore it was a nightmare at first and wasn’t real.

I looked at the nurse who was trying to draw my blood. Another was trying to get an iv going. Their hands… Their hands were so hot to my freezing skin. I was shaking and trembling.

I was still in a slow motion but I knew I had overdosed. I was in a ER. Which means that hit me with narcan.

The doctor came back…
“**my name ** keep your eyes open. Do you know where you are?”
“Hosssspitttttll” talking was so difficult.
“Correct. Do you know what city?”
I shook my head…
"Your at hospital name - your brother drove you here. He said you slumped over in the chair and wouldn’t wake up. He even tried slapping you awake. Your parents are in their way too. Then he brought you here. The nurses are going to start getting you monitored now that we have you awake. "

My brain was suddenly starting to jump start itself. After hearing the hospital name I immediately knew I would be dead today if my brother didn’t check on me. Each hospital is about an hour apart after the one I was at. Everyone knows if a opiate addict overdoses, time is sensitive.

Something was going on in my brains receptors. Something life saving but something awful.

I was already freezing… But it was like someone immediately shoved me into a giant ice cube…

I started shaking every where.

Sweat was pouring out of every skin pore like a faucet.

Then the pain started.

Every bone every muscle felt like it was being stretched and torn. Spasms every where.

I screamed. My voice was back.

I yelled. I swore. I was kicking trying to alleviate the pain in my legs. A doctor said to the nurses “lets some privacy in here folks.” as they closed any open doors and blinds.

The nurse ran over with something in her hands…

“**my name ** I’m sorry about this. But we need to know what you took. Your going to want to keep talking deep breathes…”

I wish I could say the nurse was cute…

Another nurse came over. They both got my pants off and put blankets over me.

But that 1 nurse was on a mission with whatever was in her hands

I was still screaming because I was so cold, my skin felt like it was burning, my bones must have been broken. I couldn’t stretch the stretching.

I started looking around to where I was when I felt it…

The nurse grabbed my manly head… *my name *breathe!!!

The catheter was inserted.

I can’t even describe the pain. My brain didn’t know what pain was. The pain receptors were all mixed up with having the opiate ripped off by narcan. I didn’t need need them to tell me they gave me narcan. Lots of narcan. Lots…later I learned they couldn’t get me to wake up. My condition was worsening even tho they administered narcan 1 dose… Then anther… More and more. And more. They also injected adrenaline.

Anyways I was already past the part they shoved a tube into my dick.

I told the nurse I needed blankets. Lots. Cover me with all your warm blankets. She went to get some.

The doctor returned “**my name ** I know this is tough. You need to ride it out. Were going to give you something for shaking and tremors and especially the spasms. Just hang on”

He walked away.

Nurse came back… I was pulled up on the bed a little bit and covered in blankets. Heated warm blankets.

I was still cold.

I started crying. I yelled for this to end. I could no longer take it. I begged them to kill me. I told them it feels like every muscle is in a Spasm. That my skin feels like it’s being roasted over a fire.

Suddenly… I started to get tired again.

I felt a little better.

Then I heard,
*My name!!! *My name!! Open your eyes. I know it’s hard. You need to stay awake."

I didn’t care. I was escaping the torture. Narcan doesn’t last long and it was wearing off. The drugs still in my system were fighting back and winning.

I opened my eyes for a little bit. I rolled to my side into a fetal position. It was the only way to get comfortable.

“DOCTOR!!!”

My eyes were closed. I actually felt tired.

I heard footsteps coming over fast.

“MY NAME PLEASE stay awake.”

I felt a hand on my sweat soaked shoulder…

“please I beg you to stay awake.”

I was crying and mumbled “fffefff… Fffefff… Yntalll.” I was still cold.

The doc turned to the closest nurse “Did he say Fentanyl?” the nurse agreed

The doc “” my name * your almost thru this. It’ll be over soon. But we’re going to give you more narcan and a shot of adrenalin. It’s going to get rough again but you can do this.

I couldn’t stop crying…i begged then no. Please no. Please… Just let me go back to sleep. I have nothing. The smell of their hand sanitizer was awful.

At some point the doc told me "were going to give you some… Chemical name… To help with the spasms and shaking.

I’m the mean time *my name * we need to a quick scan of your head because of oxygen loss. No dmg.

Whatever the doc gave me I was in an out of it all morning
.
During the CT scan I just have fallen asleep. I awoke in my icu room. I’d be staying the night.

My mom was there already. We didn’t really talk much about what happened. The drug screen couldn’t find u44770…

Before the doc came in your going to admit you got these online dark web my mom said. I learned my lesson The discharge doc came in we talked and got straight to business. He said your mother has said you have gout pain that can difficult to get so you went online. Lesson learned? Lesson learned.you don’t know what your getting.

After the 2 hour drive to the cabin. I only worn a nurses out fit, scrubs. Since they ripped up my clothes.

At the cabin I take 3 gram of that stuff… And dump 2 down the toilet.

I. Had some like ptsd about that
Like not waking up.

4 Likes
16

Totally understand last 30 minutes thing. Do it every relapse. I stare at the pressed fake 30 and I know it wants to kill me.

1 Like
17

Doing what I can. I know the opiate withdrawal anxiety is a unique feeling. Anytime I get it and I’ve been sober I know it’s just messing with me.

I didn’t start to get panic attacks like I do now until I was abusing opiates. A drug addicted just wanted to make anxiety less but instead in the long run it is worse.

I’ve tried new hobbies and such. Even candle making. But nothing sticks.

2 Likes
18

@Nealj121 Wow!!! I can’t believe how much your story was the exact same as mine for nearly 20 years. The anxiety/ panik attacks/ aggorophobia/ opiates and Klonopin. I lived that life for to long and it was hell. The panik attaks are hell! You really think your dying. Anyhow, long story short, I thought this woukd be impossible for me, but im not kidding you when i quit the opiates my anxiety was crazy. But ut went down. Then my doctor weaned me off the klonopin as well for my anxiety. So no more opiates or klonopin. I thought i would truly die without the klonopin and never be able to go to work again. I was wrong. When i got off EVERYTHING it was the best thing i ever did. I have been sober from everything now for 362 days. Almost a full year and my anxiety has been soooo much better. Now i still get anxiety but its not hell day after day and panik day after day like it used to be. I manage my anxiety with only 15mg of lexapro now and it works pretty well. How you said you hate having to bother your mom when you get bad anxiety, that was me. I would call my husband. He is the only person that could calm me down. And i had to keep him on the phone until my anxiety went away or calmed down a little. I really wish you sobriety my friend and i hope thinga get better quickly for you. Prayers…

2 Likes
19

Yeah the anxiety is a culprit. I came across something the other day that if you quit a substance, let’s say opiates, and you come out with worse anxiety its called Substance Induced Anxiety Disorder which I had no idea existed.

But if you have had anxiety your whole life then you don’t count in that category. However I certainly feel there should be some leeway because coming off opiates like I did back in 2016 after a full 1 year run (this time it was 5ish months with using suboxone to skip withdrawal, 2016 I had no how amazing suboxone was for withdrawal) was absolutely horrible for anxiety. I could barely function a day. I think this time around it was easier because I had known what suboxone could do so I chickened out full blown withdrawal.

In 2016 I did AODA therapy outpatient who got me into a psychiatrist which helped I guess… But I was a Guinea pig for anti depressants and mood stabilizers (antipsychotics) … And he put me on suboxone for cravings and to possibly help reduce my anxiety. Then months later rip me off subs. Cool guy.

But I’ve had access to benzos my whole life. Either Ativan or klonopin. At first Ativan as more immediate acting. But later I requested change to klonopin for the longer duration for my social phobia. I have never found them addictive. I don’t feel euphoria from them. In fact I don’t understand how they are addictive. But I do know that I cannot allow myself to use them daily because of the horror stories of benzo withdrawal.

My current doc is not aware of my addiction issues and im trying to keep it that way. He doesn’t prescribe opiates. Or hasn’t I should say. The medical “brand” (whatever they all call themselves) I had left due to my unhappiness with their psych stuff. Pulling me off suboxone like that was damn near a relapse. Probably would have been if I had local contacts and not a dark net user. My anxiety has 1 bonus, social phobia has me with limited contacts and no known dealers.

1 Like
20

@dalex77 how u doing buddy

2 Likes
21

I’ve sent him a couple PM’s but haven’t heard back yet also.

22

Hope he’s good how are u doing?

2 Likes
23

I’m good, thanks.
I hope he’s doing good too.

1 Like
24

Dal relapsed about a week ago or so. He and I were messaging then he got silent for a few days and came back saying he relapsed. Haven’t heard anything since. @anon79808082 @Cloyboy89

3 Likes
25

I agree!! I’m a year clean from Suboxone n sometimes I still in my mind feel like I’m going through withdrawal. I know it’s just my anxiety talking. I can’t take my Zoloft right now bc I’m in my third trimester (only have 4 weeks left, yay!!) But they’re afraid she’d go through withdrawal if I continue to take it so I decided to stop taking it til she comes.

1 Like