Hi everyone, let me say first and foremost as I sit by my father in the ICU, I can’t tell you how happy I am that I’m Cleaning, sober. I have been for four years and got to spend tons and tons of quality time. Please consider this is one of the many many many benefits of sobriety.
However, the reason for my post is to ask this for four years I have been the only one in the family taken care of my dad. And I considered a blessing because that just gave me more time with him the two of us, but has anyone else experienced this? Everybody who didn’t even come over, or help, or get involved, or anything, now at the very end, they have all the answers about what should’ve been done and what should be done now?
Deep down I know that I did the best I could. But I’m not gonna lie if I tell you it upsets me that here comes everybody now saying why didn’t you do this? Why didn’t you do that? He had dementia real real bad. My father had one wish, that he passes away in his home, in his own bed, with his dog, without tubes and wires hanging out of them. Right now here he is, because when he got worse and worse and worse, everyone thought it would be a good idea to send him to the hospital where he can be kept alive and suffer for about a week. Sorry, I know this is kind of morbid, but this site has been a blessing, obviously for my sobriety. But really just for a support with all-around life things thank you, Bobby.
I’m sorry you are going through this right now and I can’t imagine what you are going through.
I think its amazing that you are seeing the blessing of sobriety even in a dark time. It sounds incredibly frustrating that no one else has helped with the care. I’ve seen first hand how hard that is and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
You have done the best you can. Your families views on what should, could or might have happened are just that. Views. You know you have done what you could with the resources and experience you have. Their views don’t define you.
Hey Bobby
I am so very sorry for what you are having to deal with. I myself have not experienced this but have seen happen with my friends who like you take care of the loved one day in and day out for years and then are bombarded with questions about the care given at the end when nothing can change and their words have not meaning.
You absolutely did the best you can. You were present for your father and that is a huge blessing for the both of you. Don’t let the what if’s and “why wasn’t this done” talk mess with your head. It is so easy to have the answers in hindsight (if they even are the answers). You were in the thick of it and dealing with the symptoms in real time with the information available and that is what you have to remember. You were doing it alone and you did a great job.
Sending you love and strength during this difficult time. Stay connected friend
Hugs to you, Bobby. I do know how wrenching it is seeing our loved ones pass. But being there by their side, sober, is king.
As for those who are chiming in about should’ve & could’ve, they’re gonna & can run their mouths, it’s what they do. Where were they when the real work was being done…
As for your Pops’ wishes for end of life. If you are the next of kin assigned for making medical decisions he can still go home. Discuss it with the palliative doc who is helping your Dad.
I don’t know if I have much good advice, but wanted to share I relate. My mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer several years ago. Her only wish was to not die at home. She wanted to be in the hospital. There was no hospice. I flew to my home province to care for her. Everyone kept telling her that people should die at home; doctors, nurses, dad etc (although he likely wanted her home so he could drink). She still didn’t want to. Eventually she was so weak and just conceded and I took care of her at home with very occasional nursing help. I wish I advocated more for her. While I’m glad I was there for her, I wish I could have been her daughter by her side vs the one pumping her with drugs. No matter where they pass, it’s not easy. Sending love and healing energy
Hey Bobby, I know that feeling of being blessed with sobriety through the hard times with our elderly parents…my sobriety is literally the strength that has helped me with my parents (91 and 90 and my Mom has dementia), I lean hard on my sobriety and it supports me.
I am sorry your Dad is at the end of life and where he didn’t want to be. My Mom says the same, she doesn’t ever want the hospital, but I had to force her there just weeks ago with sepsis and a UTI. It is HARD what we do Bobby, but we do our best. You have done your best and continue to. It is an impossible situation a lot of the time. He is lucky to have your care and love.
I think we spoke about all this before. And yes, everyone who isn’t there pops in or calls with all the suggestions on what we should do. They don’t know what they don’t know and that’s on them.
My parents literally just moved from near me to 1,100 miles north near my big brother. My Mom’s health needs escalated fast and we found a really great place for them near my brother and SIL. After 10 years of living near them, it is emotional and a lot, but this is for the best for us all, I have some health stuff too.
Please know Bobby you are doing your best. You can be by your Dad’s side now as he transitions and know in your heart you did your best. I am sorry, I know it is impossible and nothing ever feels ‘right’, do your best with love. Meet him where he is with love. See him off with love.
Glad you are here Bobby. It helps to hear your story and others are well.
The best helmsmen are on shore, to use a Dutch expression. You’re doing the best you can Bobby. Sober or you could not. Thanks for being there for your dad for all this time, and still. You’re still there for him. Big hugs.
Not morbid at all, that’s part of life. I’m glad you shared quality time with your dad and are there at his side at the end.
yep, some people don’t know when to shut up. please try to not take it personal, some of this senseless chatter comes from helplessness and not knowing how to articulate empathy and grief. Some is just bullshit from brainless individuals.
If it’s too much for you you can tell them to shut up, time to care is over and they did not care. You cared. Fullstop. Been there, done that.
Sending you comforting vibes, as many hugs as you need and i light a candle for your dad
Hey @Bobbyw its beautiful to hear you see gratitude in sobriety even thru these life transitions. Im sorry everyone has an opinion. It sounds like you were honoring your father. Now take the next right step. How can you honor him now and not build a resentment towards others.
Sending big hugs. Please reach out when needed. We got cha
Thank you all so much! I am still by his side in the ICU, his breathing seems to be slowing down, and I am now at peace with everything. Once again, everybody on here gave grade advice and were a great support through this whole thing. I love The, “ the best helmsman are on shore!” I love it!
also, I don’t remember who gave me this advice on here, but it was the best advice ever. When I would come over to visit my dad, he would immediately call me after and ask why I didn’t come over and someone told me always speak about the future. Say I’m coming tomorrow, I’m coming in five minutes, I’m coming next year, not only did that help, but it really put life in perspective in general. What we all need is something to look forward to. Anything, so every time I was talking to my dad I would say hey we’re gonna go out and get something to eat, or we’re gonna work with wood, and I saw the excitement in his eyes, the past is not existent with people with dementia .
I was really in a panic mode when I posted and you all came through for me just like you did in my early stages of sobriety when I was having weak moments. The main purpose of this site is sobriety. And I can’t tell you how happy I am, that I have spent the last four years with my dad with not one drop of alcohol. . If I drink, it would be an absolute nightmare. Even my good friends are coming up to me and saying hey, you know, I know you and your dad were close. I hope you don’t drink when he passes, and I thanked them for thinking of me, but honestly, I can’t think of anything worse than to be dealing with this and also a hangover.
We are all in this together, thank you, everyone from the bottom of my heart, Bobby
As hard as it is, I am glad you are able to share this time with your Dad. Bring sober makes it such an incredible gift. I really appreciate you sharing. It helps me a lot too. I am thinking of you and your Dad and sending much care.
