Today I am giving my all to God’s will, Open-minded to a simpler life, L7 Square yet creative and mild, rare dude but im well and authentic rounded off with a playful uniqueness but fresh and clean. I have 101 days consistently, about 4 years in recovery 
changed my clean date 4 times. Relationships and Relapse my Codependency issues, abandoning my self when going gets tough. All my Losses, the ugly Messes, I look at as Lessons and Messages from a Higher Power, Gift Of Desperation and Good Orderly Direction if i take a look from a different perspective, with patience and compassion. Recently i entered rehab January 11th my 2ndfather passed away January 21st, about 1 month later on a day pass I was omw to go support my mother and pay respects to 2ndfather + see a close friend… I come home to find my Biological Father passed away in his sleep… ruined 
I still haven’t been able to grieve. Reason: this happened 2 weeks before I graduated… and the close friend I had feeling’s for, I feel just used me (physically financially emotionally has set me off track and i am going crazy i really am sick and feel like giving up on all of it) my expectations as a matured man in recovery are opposite of me in my 20s and oblivious to addiction, i would of been just fine with it then but somehow I feel like in recovery Honesty is #1 policy and if I cant be honest I am not doing anyone any good. Mindful about my intentions and I know I had problems, undeserving the relationship because of my impulsivity in the beginning and carelessly disregard her needs and boundaries while she lost everything and I feel so sick like I wish I could give her the time and effort back but I am right where im supposed to be feeling exactly what God intends me to feel. It all happened for a reason, in my addiction im scared to show my true colors faulty to even understand trainwreck of emotions and early recovery has me gun shy, frustrated, impatient, flighty… Swierd! But to this ill take another 24 hours!
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