11/18/23 accountability report.
- youtube -1
- backdoor to get online -1
- look at porn -5
- PMO -5
- uncontrolled selfish behavior -5
- extreme lack of respect for my wife -5
- ignore my training, all my tools, safeguards -1
- re-download apps that have backdoors online (youtube music, paramount plus) -2
Total score -24
Worst day of the year and it’s not close. I’ve had a good year battling my addiction, and the past 7 days have been horrible. What’s changed and why am i completely falling apart?
I’m goin to layout my extreme behavior and why my score deserves to be even lower.
My wife is in the hospital for the 2nd time in 3 weeks. I’ve been sleeping by her side in the ER. We get up to the room, still, by her side, supporting her. You might think, oh that’s sweet, your supporting your wife. That’s where my Phony Actor abilities come in.
I have been stressed out, heart palpations, and sleep deprived. No excercise, no sleep. They are ripe environments to fall. STILL, NO EXCUSE TO DISRESPECT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE FOR THE PAST 23 YEARS. At her worst moments, you’ve turned your back to get ‘comfort’, EXTREME SELFISH BEHAVIOR.
She’s knocked out sleep, My brain is not working. I went to the bathroom and started that search.
There is always a moment when you can cross the line or choose to do better.
if you make the right choice, you will strengthen the good side of you, but you have to do it correct in that moment.
A. I should have immediately put on recovery training/podcast. I should have immediately said a prayer. I should have refused under any circumstances to bring myphone into a bathroom.
B. If you make the bad choice and SIMPLY WALK TO THE BATHROOM WITH YOUR PHONE, THE FOLLOWING SITUATION WILL PLAY OUT, AS IT HAS FOR OVER 20 YEARS
- Will power, Gone. See ya later.
- Your Training, out the window.
- Your just fed “The addictive side of you” - A full steak, given him complete authority.
- With my addiction brain now in complete control, he proceeds to lock that good version of me in the trunk, and he can’t come out until i orgasm.
- With my addict brain now fully in control and my selfish, greedy mind now fully running the show, it’s inevitable what happens next. Shame, Guilt, once again your a horrible husband, you have no future, your going to lose everything, might as well keep clicking, Loser.
- Next i go to the car, Addict brain in complete control, i was supposed to go look for food, nope, i’m no longer hungry, as my ‘appetite’ is being filled by pnog.
- I go back up to check on her (completely acting as my body/mind is no longer functioning and the guilt is destroying me by the second). I ended up leaving as visitor hours were over.
- On the way to pick up the boys, click, click click. Out of control, good version locked in the trunk, Trance activiated.
I pick up the boys, take them home, bath them, put them to bed.
1.5 hours later of more clicking, it’s done. I berate myself, belittle myself, and go to sleep.
I wake up throughout the night and continue to belittle myself, My addict brain notonly wants me to know he’s running things, he wants to reassure me, that he’s running it goin forward and wants a repeat performance the next day.
I wake up this morning, and feel emotionally numb. All i can do, is chronicle everything that just happened.
Choices. I had a chance to strengthen the good side of me, give myself a real fighting chance.
- But along the way, i made poor little choices that are no no’s in the plan, which is why when it was time to make one final stand, I HAD NOTHING LEFT.
- throughout the day, i was just on my wife’s phone, scrolling through Tic-Toc. Nothing bad on her phone, she’s not the selfish greedy addict her husband is, but every now an then there’s a bra ad, or someone in a bikini. and i slowly, fed the bad side. That morning, i actually listened to an article and some recovery info. But in an environment that’s ripe with all the warning signs - lack of sleep - stressed out in a hospital - not having sex - heck even beautiful people around you, YOU HAVE TO STOP LETTING YOUR GUARD DOWN.
I’ve been struggling for decades. Decades. I’m an emotional teenager craving acceptance from others, body image issue, porn watching, manchild. Almost 42 years old, father of 2, husband of 20 years, man child with daddy issues.
So E, you done yet? Are you finished? You done berating yourself or do you need more time? Sitting here typing and crying. I’m at war and i lost 3 battles in one week.
My wife deserves better. I deserve better.
You talk to yourself in a way you would never talk to another person.
After you finish berating yourself, remember, YOU HAVE TO PICK UP THE PIECES.
Let’s not forget, you have a 100 day streak before your life personally started getting alot more stressful. You’ve opened up, chronicled your journey, now what, we give up?
NOT A CHANCE. I know i’m an addict. I’m on a site full of people like me. I’ve had good days, i’m celebrated my wins, my successes, why destroy yourself because your struggling with something that’s plagued millions of people for decades?
Give yourself some grace. Your great at empathizing with others, give yourself a little grace too. It’s not the end. Strengthen yourself for the days to come. It’s November 19th, last year at this exact time, you started a 6 month streak.
You have alot of data you’ve gathered over the years, but especially over the last week.
I want you to be transparent. You drop your safeguards, you will fall. You can’t prevent your life from being stressful, bad thing happen.
If you dont go into every situation with a plan, you will fall. It’s that simple, i dont care what is going on, your an addict and you have to deal with yourself according to what you know and observed.
If i could change the last week…
- Map out a complete plan along with a crisis plan.
- Upon taking my wife to the emergency room, i was so focused on her care, you gotta stop and make sure you take care of your brain.Foresee the potential triggers, you have to do this everyday, it’s your lot in life. Forsee the triggers and prep for the battle. SIMPLY PUT, GRAB YOUR PLANNER. Right out what needs to happen to stay sober. Write out how your goin to fight selfish tendancies.
- Protect the only brain i have. No abuse yourself.
- Account for downtime, dont just watch shows, mental junk food, that’s NOT GOING TO CUT IT. If you dont account for your time and take the time to strengthen yourself, YOUR GREED ADDICT BRAIN IS EATING AND YOU ARE FEEDING HIM.
This was alot. I needed to mind dump as i’m overwhelmed. With everything happened, my vacation that was coming up in 2 weeks, i’ll have to cancel it, the one we planned for 12 months, we could lose thousands. And yet, dont allow your behavior to ruin everything.
With everything that’s happened, i’ll have to report these actitives to my accountability partner. CAN’T WAIT!
Let’s close with this:
Your not perfect. You have great days, days where your a supportive husband and a loving father. You’ve put your phone away all evening. You’ve purposed put the phone next to a trash so you wouldn’t take it in a bathroom stall. You’ve planned, you’ve read countless articles, you’ve prayed, you studied therapist articles, you’ve talked for years on talking sober, it’s NOT LIKE YOU HAVEN’T PUT IN THE WORK.IT’S NOT LIKE YOU HAVEN’T POURED YOUR HEART/SOUL INTO RECOVERY. You had a bad week. Today is Sunday. Pick youself off the mat. Get up again. Do not under any circumstances allow guilt to destroy you today. It will keep you in the porn cycle. Yesterday happened, today is a new day. Lets focus today on my family. Take in those same articles that strengthen you.
Let’s start an 8 month streak.
Today is November 19th.
- Check in daily on TS.
- Get back to your morning swims.
- Do you bible reading in the AM
- Strengthen your mind for the journey ahead.
- Kill the negative emotions. I WANT YOU POSITIVE AND SMILING. I dont care if you dont feel it. Look around and appreciate. Appreciate your family. Appreciate your wife. She still is here and loves me. Appreciate life. Go out of your way to help others. This is a footnote in my journey. A Blip. It is not the end, just dont give up. Let’s be pro-active, dont ignore the warning signs, play to your strengths - reading, studying, planning and executing.
- Stop grabbing her phone and scrolling. It’s like feeding the bad version of me a steak dinner and subsequently kills my will power.
- Keep your head up E, you got this. Love you bro, let’s win today. (tears streaming down my face).
The good side of you.