E's Accountability Log

Your Story
21

Today Accountability report

daily tracker

  1. TS check in= +1
  2. listened to ‘pause and reset’ +1
  3. take a walk +1
  4. youtube -1
  5. in the comment section -1

Evening:
pray with my boys w/video +1
article before bed +1
bible reading +1
listened to og songs +1

+5 Day. That’s a good day. It’s not just about not using, not looking at porn. IT’s about changing who i am on the inside. Football came on last night and as a consequence for my setback, i can’t watch football this week and i can’t play video games for 30 days. I can only play with my son (4 years old) his game. I can only focus on my kids. I can’t have any ‘me’ apps. I’m going to force myself not to be selfish, every single day. Force myself to focus on everyone else. Last night, i watched the mario movie for the 50th time, we did “the floor is lava” dances, we watch my boys dumb youtube videos, and it’s all good. Killing selfish tendencies is a moment to moment battle, but if i want real change, this is the way forward.

2 Likes
22

11/18/23 accountability report.

daily tracker

  1. youtube -1
  2. backdoor to get online -1
  3. look at porn -5
  4. PMO -5
  5. uncontrolled selfish behavior -5
  6. extreme lack of respect for my wife -5
  7. ignore my training, all my tools, safeguards -1
  8. re-download apps that have backdoors online (youtube music, paramount plus) -2

Total score -24

Worst day of the year and it’s not close. I’ve had a good year battling my addiction, and the past 7 days have been horrible. What’s changed and why am i completely falling apart?

I’m goin to layout my extreme behavior and why my score deserves to be even lower.

  1. My wife is in the hospital for the 2nd time in 3 weeks. I’ve been sleeping by her side in the ER. We get up to the room, still, by her side, supporting her. You might think, oh that’s sweet, your supporting your wife. That’s where my Phony Actor abilities come in.

  2. I have been stressed out, heart palpations, and sleep deprived. No excercise, no sleep. They are ripe environments to fall. STILL, NO EXCUSE TO DISRESPECT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE FOR THE PAST 23 YEARS. At her worst moments, you’ve turned your back to get ‘comfort’, EXTREME SELFISH BEHAVIOR.

  3. She’s knocked out sleep, My brain is not working. I went to the bathroom and started that search.
    There is always a moment when you can cross the line or choose to do better.
    if you make the right choice, you will strengthen the good side of you, but you have to do it correct in that moment.
    A. I should have immediately put on recovery training/podcast. I should have immediately said a prayer. I should have refused under any circumstances to bring myphone into a bathroom.
    B. If you make the bad choice and SIMPLY WALK TO THE BATHROOM WITH YOUR PHONE, THE FOLLOWING SITUATION WILL PLAY OUT, AS IT HAS FOR OVER 20 YEARS

    1. Will power, Gone. See ya later.
    2. Your Training, out the window.
    3. Your just fed “The addictive side of you” - A full steak, given him complete authority.
    4. With my addiction brain now in complete control, he proceeds to lock that good version of me in the trunk, and he can’t come out until i orgasm.
    5. With my addict brain now fully in control and my selfish, greedy mind now fully running the show, it’s inevitable what happens next. Shame, Guilt, once again your a horrible husband, you have no future, your going to lose everything, might as well keep clicking, Loser.
    6. Next i go to the car, Addict brain in complete control, i was supposed to go look for food, nope, i’m no longer hungry, as my ‘appetite’ is being filled by pnog.
    7. I go back up to check on her (completely acting as my body/mind is no longer functioning and the guilt is destroying me by the second). I ended up leaving as visitor hours were over.
    8. On the way to pick up the boys, click, click click. Out of control, good version locked in the trunk, Trance activiated.

  4. I pick up the boys, take them home, bath them, put them to bed.

  5. 1.5 hours later of more clicking, it’s done. I berate myself, belittle myself, and go to sleep.

  6. I wake up throughout the night and continue to belittle myself, My addict brain notonly wants me to know he’s running things, he wants to reassure me, that he’s running it goin forward and wants a repeat performance the next day.

  7. I wake up this morning, and feel emotionally numb. All i can do, is chronicle everything that just happened.

Choices. I had a chance to strengthen the good side of me, give myself a real fighting chance.

  • But along the way, i made poor little choices that are no no’s in the plan, which is why when it was time to make one final stand, I HAD NOTHING LEFT.
  • throughout the day, i was just on my wife’s phone, scrolling through Tic-Toc. Nothing bad on her phone, she’s not the selfish greedy addict her husband is, but every now an then there’s a bra ad, or someone in a bikini. and i slowly, fed the bad side. That morning, i actually listened to an article and some recovery info. But in an environment that’s ripe with all the warning signs - lack of sleep - stressed out in a hospital - not having sex - heck even beautiful people around you, YOU HAVE TO STOP LETTING YOUR GUARD DOWN.

I’ve been struggling for decades. Decades. I’m an emotional teenager craving acceptance from others, body image issue, porn watching, manchild. Almost 42 years old, father of 2, husband of 20 years, man child with daddy issues.

So E, you done yet? Are you finished? You done berating yourself or do you need more time? Sitting here typing and crying. I’m at war and i lost 3 battles in one week.

My wife deserves better. I deserve better.

You talk to yourself in a way you would never talk to another person.

After you finish berating yourself, remember, YOU HAVE TO PICK UP THE PIECES.

Let’s not forget, you have a 100 day streak before your life personally started getting alot more stressful. You’ve opened up, chronicled your journey, now what, we give up?

NOT A CHANCE. I know i’m an addict. I’m on a site full of people like me. I’ve had good days, i’m celebrated my wins, my successes, why destroy yourself because your struggling with something that’s plagued millions of people for decades?

Give yourself some grace. Your great at empathizing with others, give yourself a little grace too. It’s not the end. Strengthen yourself for the days to come. It’s November 19th, last year at this exact time, you started a 6 month streak.

You have alot of data you’ve gathered over the years, but especially over the last week.

I want you to be transparent. You drop your safeguards, you will fall. You can’t prevent your life from being stressful, bad thing happen.

If you dont go into every situation with a plan, you will fall. It’s that simple, i dont care what is going on, your an addict and you have to deal with yourself according to what you know and observed.

If i could change the last week…

  1. Map out a complete plan along with a crisis plan.
  2. Upon taking my wife to the emergency room, i was so focused on her care, you gotta stop and make sure you take care of your brain.Foresee the potential triggers, you have to do this everyday, it’s your lot in life. Forsee the triggers and prep for the battle. SIMPLY PUT, GRAB YOUR PLANNER. Right out what needs to happen to stay sober. Write out how your goin to fight selfish tendancies.
  3. Protect the only brain i have. No abuse yourself.
  4. Account for downtime, dont just watch shows, mental junk food, that’s NOT GOING TO CUT IT. If you dont account for your time and take the time to strengthen yourself, YOUR GREED ADDICT BRAIN IS EATING AND YOU ARE FEEDING HIM.

This was alot. I needed to mind dump as i’m overwhelmed. With everything happened, my vacation that was coming up in 2 weeks, i’ll have to cancel it, the one we planned for 12 months, we could lose thousands. And yet, dont allow your behavior to ruin everything.

With everything that’s happened, i’ll have to report these actitives to my accountability partner. CAN’T WAIT!

Let’s close with this:
Your not perfect. You have great days, days where your a supportive husband and a loving father. You’ve put your phone away all evening. You’ve purposed put the phone next to a trash so you wouldn’t take it in a bathroom stall. You’ve planned, you’ve read countless articles, you’ve prayed, you studied therapist articles, you’ve talked for years on talking sober, it’s NOT LIKE YOU HAVEN’T PUT IN THE WORK.IT’S NOT LIKE YOU HAVEN’T POURED YOUR HEART/SOUL INTO RECOVERY. You had a bad week. Today is Sunday. Pick youself off the mat. Get up again. Do not under any circumstances allow guilt to destroy you today. It will keep you in the porn cycle. Yesterday happened, today is a new day. Lets focus today on my family. Take in those same articles that strengthen you.

Let’s start an 8 month streak.
Today is November 19th.

  • Check in daily on TS.
  • Get back to your morning swims.
  • Do you bible reading in the AM
  • Strengthen your mind for the journey ahead.
  • Kill the negative emotions. I WANT YOU POSITIVE AND SMILING. I dont care if you dont feel it. Look around and appreciate. Appreciate your family. Appreciate your wife. She still is here and loves me. Appreciate life. Go out of your way to help others. This is a footnote in my journey. A Blip. It is not the end, just dont give up. Let’s be pro-active, dont ignore the warning signs, play to your strengths - reading, studying, planning and executing.
  • Stop grabbing her phone and scrolling. It’s like feeding the bad version of me a steak dinner and subsequently kills my will power.
  • Keep your head up E, you got this. Love you bro, let’s win today. (tears streaming down my face).

Sincerely,

The good side of you.

3 Likes
23

I dont know seems like you are doing this at all hours of the day. So now my turn to be honest i have been married 38 years i never get it we are working on this but when she goes to work and im off i relieve and watch porn but im usually done in 4 or 5 minutes sometimes i will do it a second time 4 to 5 hours later probaly 3 to 4 times a week i think part of it is sex drive because i will not physically cheat on my wife and have told her somtimes i gotta go relieve myself. Its endorphins you cant just let it sit for months and months. I dont think i have a problem but i do think if your sneaking around all hour 10 15 times a day maybe no 4 sure you need professional help. Also if somone thinks i have a problem i would welcome their opinion.

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Powerful, powerful post. When i was reading I was thinking exactly what u mentioned… to give urself some grace. Uv been under alot of stress it sounds (not that that is an excuse to act out) but it is valuable information for the future. These relapses can be useful in a sense )when it comes to gaining information). I was chronic relapser and everytime i relapsed i gained some insight on what to do and what not to do for the future. Eventually, putting all the information together, some substantial clean time occured. I hear the regret in ur words and it really sounds like uv learned alot from what happened. Pick urself up friend and keep going! You have a great plan in place. It is very well thought out. I totally have faith in u :slight_smile:

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thank you so much for your kind words. Its just been a long long journey with alot of high’s and lows. I feel emotionally spent this morning.

1 Like
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So, when i chronicled my setback, it was in 2 to 3 hour window. I’m not like 3 to 5 minutes, and i’m done. I’m more so ‘edging’ aka just watching and clicking and scrolling pages. I went 6 months, 100 days, or porn free behavior in 2023. I let the last week of stress get to me, let my guard down, and allowed myself to look at horrible things. Do i need professional help? I mean probably decades ago if i’m being honest.

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From recovered man

Questions for Future E to think about.

In the Weeks before relapse…

  1. Were you pursuing active recovery?

  2. Did you have a recovery plan in place?

  3. Had you shared it with someone else?

  4. Were you checking in weekly?

  5. Were you practicing good self care?

How i feel this morning? 1. Shame 2. Cynical 3. Hopeless.

Myth #1: You were healthy to begin with.
Relapse is when the disease comes back. Recovery: you can’t have a recovery if you weren’t healthy to begin with. If i make half hearted commitments, is that really moving towards recovery or am i just practicing abstinence?

I need to do things to sustain health. Those 5 questions need to fully installed.

In the days before relapse…

  1. Were you aware of any emotional triggers in your life?
  2. Were you believing any mistaken beliefs (i’m not good enough, i’m entitled to this, i deserve this???)
  3. Were you edging (geting close to the edge, searches on twitter, youtube).
  4. Did you lapse in any of your active recovery commitments? (did you lapse in your scriptures, swimming, recovery podcast).

Myth #2: Relapse began when you acted out.
If you noticed you were edging the days before, if you noticed you stopped doing self care, my relapse began long before i acted out. Relapse is not a singular event, it’s more like a state. When you start edging, ignoring emotional triggers, that’s when the STATE OF RELAPSE COMES OVER YOU. It’s not a singular event, relapse is a process, a state.

After relapse, what did you do?

  1. Who did you call?
  2. Was there a consequence you started?
  3. Did you do a healthy self are activity?
  4. Did your plan change?
  5. Did you have to close an open portal in you life?

Myth #3: Relapse ends when you acted out last.
The state of relapse doesn’t end until you go through these steps, resetting your plan, calling your acountability partner. Relapse ends when you come clean about it. Trying to gut out 5 or 6 days, thinking it’s goin to easier to tell your partner/wife. Like it’ll wipe away what you did. It’s damaged thinking, you think that someone your relapse is over just because you orgasmed.

We are either working on recovery or working on relapse.

If you dont have a plan, dont go through those steps, your goin to be working on relapse. That’s why i relapsed 3 times in one week after 100 days free.

3 Likes
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Porn free plan notes:

BEFORE YOU BEGIN
You must be aware of one important thing. There is a part of YOU that doesn’t want to give up porn. This rebellious side of you wants to avoid responsibility and anything that feels like rules.

Theodore Bryant, MSW-- calls this side of us “Hyde” from the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.1
You’ll want to think of the part of you that wants to be porn free as Dr. Jekyll, and the part of you that
fights your attempts at being porn free as Mr. Hyde.
Bryant writes, “Do not, however, think of your Hyde side as an enemy. Think, instead, of Hyde as the
part of you that is creative, fun-loving, and pleasure-seeking; the child side of yourself. You do not
want to do battle with Hyde, but you want to recruit Hyde as a partner who supports your selfdiscipline
efforts.”
So as complete your Monthly Worksheet make sure your plan engages the fun loving and creative
side. Craft your rewards and active commitments with some playfulness and fun in mind. Don’t make it all
sticks and no carrots.
Now we operate best when we let the adult-side of us call the shots. So we need to remind ourselves
why we are doing this. Each month you will identify a “selfish reason” for going porn free. Repeat it frequently
and keep it top of mind. I recommend keeping a copy of your worksheet and calendar by your bed.
When I was first getting started my favorite quote was “Anything worth doing is worth doing badly,”
by G.K. Chesterton. So commit to the process-- not trying to be perfect. If you rock this plan for at
least of month you will learn a lot and will see improvement.

OKAY TIME TO TAKE THE BAND-AID OFF!
❑ Listen to complete audio or watch video - Go Porn Free in 2016
❑ Complete your Monthly Worksheet
Then attack these ASAP:
❑ Delete your stash
❑ Un-subscribe from porn sites, and delete bookmarks
❑ Install a web filter like Covenant Eyes, especially on your phone/tablets
❑ Create content locks for MA programming on cable, Kindle Fire, iOS devices, etc.
(have a friend or your spouse set the password)

Monthly Worksheet
I, E_____________________ commit to be porn free for the month of
nov/december__________, starting on 11/20/23___/ _____ / _____.

  1. My selfish reason for going porn free is
    To be loyal to my wife/Jehovah__________________________________________________________________.
  2. I am aware of these roadblocks (triggers, self limiting belief, weak links)
    • youtube
    • not going to bed with my wife
    • over emphasis on my phone
    • back door apps
    • selfish behavior
  3. Consequence and Reward
    If I have a relapse during this month my consequence will be
    ___game in the closet 30 days from setback. _____________________________________________________________________.
    If I am porn free for this month, I will celebrate by
    Buy myself to some swimming fins
    ________________________________________________________________________.
  4. My active commitments for this month will be:
    • Keeping a morning routine
    • Charting my victory/ no victory day with triggers (use calendar template)
    • communicating with my sponsors weekly
    • reading my Bible daily
    • pfr radio daily
    • no phone/distractions 2 hrs daily
  5. I will share this plan with TS____________________________________________.
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29

My most significant change came from changing this sentence to “I deserve better and by acknowledging I matter, everyone else will experience better when they’re around me, but this will only happen if I remain constant in my recovery.”

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30

Very well said.

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Oh man - you have been through the wringer these past few days. Your posts are so raw and vulnerable and honest. I am seeing how you are taking the accountability notes seriously and being honest about your steps to recovery. The addiction you are dealing with has been haunting you for decades now. It will take time and diligence to free yourself from its grasp.

No matter what our addiction, we can never let our guard down. We can never put ourselves in proximity with our triggers and think we will be untouched. I know its hard to think about it in these terms, to acknowledge that we will forever need to be vigilant with our thoughts and actions. I do think as we adopt healthy lifestyles and routines that it becomes easier to manage.

I see you putting in the effort. Please be gentle with yourself and do show yourself the grace that you are promising yourself. You deserve and need it. I know at one point you mentioned going back to old school phones without all the bells and whistles. Would that be feasible for you (with work now a days it is harder to not have a smart phone) - if yes, it may be a good idea?

Thank you for being so open here. I know you are helping many others with their journeys with your recovery tactics. Wishing you loads of strength on starting your day 1. :muscle:

1 Like
32

Is 345am.

I’ve been staying up playing games late, in starting to get back on dopamine binges with gaming. Tonight it was like i couldn’t stop. I was it out of control. My wife went to bed 4 hours Ago. I put myself in a bad situation.

Consequence: no games till next weekend.
Use this time to connect with wife/kids.
Follow pf plan daily.
Go to bed with your wife daily again. Don’t let this behavior continue. You are back being all in on selfish behavior. This stops now. Let’s start tomorrow and get prepped for the meeting, focus on your family.

Is 4am. Turn this off and go to bed now.

3 Likes
33

Default Settings vs Progress.

Default Settings Day

  1. Get to work and immediately get online.
  2. Check Fantasy football
  3. Immediately go to ESPN.
  4. 2 hours in, no plan for the day, just default settings
  5. 4 hours in, 2 hours on youtube, clicking clicking clicking.
  • Mind you, i haven’t looked at anything inappropriate, it’s the dopamine clicking that will eventually lead me where i dont want to go.
  • You have things you need to get done, both at home, at work, exercise, heart monitor, like we PLANS. But you can’t come to work and immediately lose your mind and get online and let your default settings dominate you.
  • time to re-read atomic habits. I need better systems. I have alerts on my phone I quickly dismiss.
  • Every single day at 7am, i have an alert on my phone: STOP! Do not hand over your brain and get online. That is there for a reason. I know how my brain works. Once the ball gets rolling, it’s no breaks, no matter how hard you try. Let us not forget one thing: You are a dopamine addict. First and foremost. That spirals into very bad things. So you have to cut it off at the pass before the ball gets rolling.

Plan your day, every single day. Make notes on what’s app the day before. Send yourself a private message. Remind yourself again. We should not be at 345pm and i haven’t done anything i needed to get done.

  • You are at your best when you have plans. You trying to have a porn free 2024. A goal without a plan is a dream. A Goal without a system is also just a dream. It’s habits E. It’s your daily habits. You can’t just go on youtube all day and think eventually you wont get burned. I dont care if you were looking at helpful vids for weight loss. Your on youtube. History suggests you will fall doing this. Enough of this, let’s go home.
1 Like
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So today, i struggled with a fantasy i kept deleting in my head and it kept coming right back over and over. It directly lead to me in my trash gmail folder clicking on an inappropriate link. I didn’t see anything, but why or myself in harms way? I tried to use my training. All my techniques, i was able to conquer my brain but the damage had been done. I took my phone to the bathroom. I didn’t see porn or pmo, but clicking on that folder and email is a slip. In committed to this day to day war. I need a 7 day consequence.

What’s it going to be?

  1. No games for a week?

I need to think on this.

Be smarter E. Do the work and you will get results. One look can ruin everything. Do not forget this.

2 Likes
35

Do you use your phone for anything other than personal use? Or internet?

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I don’t use the phone for the internet. It’s blocked. I use it for tv

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Perhaps a suggestion of not taking the phone into a private enclosed room where you’re left to yourself?

As a boundary.

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Its been a rule for a very long time. What kills me is over confidence. Its part of m y porn rules. Just need to follow it

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39

Personal accountability is definitely key but in those moments reaching out and asking for help is also okay to do.

I struggled with thinking it was okay to ask for help for a very long time which would then lead me to failure in the end anyway.

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40

I have to do a better job with accountability. My wife thinks I’ve been free for years, i just don’t talk about it anymore. I don’t want to hurt her. But secrecy Strengthens addiction, so i just go around and around.

3 Likes