So, i’ve been on this website for a few years now. I used to be named SufferingnomoreFree. After some stupid post, i changed my name to SelfLove_42. I’ve been fighting porn addiction since i was 8 years old. The worst stuff i have seen to this day was my Dad’s tapes. In my heart, i still harbour resentment from him having that trash in his house, he didn’t realize that he being a porn addict, also ruined me and my sister too.
I thought it went away but i acted out with people as a teenager, till finally struggling pretty consistently since age 20. I’m not 42 years old.
The other day i hit 100 days porn free. And yet, i was doing the same crap that always leads to a setback. I was searching things on youtube.
I’ve gathered a ron of tools all over to combat my problem, but i haven’t been able to put together 8-12 months porn free. Today felt like a new low. So i relapsed as i mentioned on Day 100 last sunday. Felt like complete trash. Then i did NOTHING TO BRING IT TO LIGHT. I used to tell my wife years ago when i relapsed, many conversations we’ve had about this. She was by my side. In my religion, i was deleted and brought great shame to my family. I put her through so much.
Todays’ relapse was an uncontrolled nightmare. I had no control over my brain, my impulses. I would charge my phone a little, go in a private spot, watch porn, the phone would die. I did it again, charged it up, went to the bathroom, watched for a few minutes, dead again. 3 Times i did this this morning. All the alarms in my head, all the training, all the articles, podcasts, prayers, nothing. I was a Porn watching Zombie. Powerless to do anything, but be a slave to my deviant Greedy, unfaithful brain. Video after video after video. I’ve never in the flesh cheated on my wife, never flirted with another women, for 23 years. And yet, with porn, i’ve cheated with hundreds of people.
I just want to hate it. I need to hate it. It’s taken so much from me in so many ways. I’m typing all of this to start my accountability log. I’m going to post my progress. If you’ve read this much, thank you.
The opposite of addiction is connection. I will come on every single day. I should be telling my wife, but she thinks this Era is over and its not. I’m afraid of losing my family, to her looking at me like i’m a horrible husband (i am). Hiding has done nothing but strengthen my addiction. I’m sitting here at my desk, and my brain is just toast. I never want to feel this way again. And yet, if i dont do the work, i will.