E's Accountability Log

Your Story
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So, i’ve been on this website for a few years now. I used to be named SufferingnomoreFree. After some stupid post, i changed my name to SelfLove_42. I’ve been fighting porn addiction since i was 8 years old. The worst stuff i have seen to this day was my Dad’s tapes. In my heart, i still harbour resentment from him having that trash in his house, he didn’t realize that he being a porn addict, also ruined me and my sister too.
I thought it went away but i acted out with people as a teenager, till finally struggling pretty consistently since age 20. I’m not 42 years old.

The other day i hit 100 days porn free. And yet, i was doing the same crap that always leads to a setback. I was searching things on youtube.

I’ve gathered a ron of tools all over to combat my problem, but i haven’t been able to put together 8-12 months porn free. Today felt like a new low. So i relapsed as i mentioned on Day 100 last sunday. Felt like complete trash. Then i did NOTHING TO BRING IT TO LIGHT. I used to tell my wife years ago when i relapsed, many conversations we’ve had about this. She was by my side. In my religion, i was deleted and brought great shame to my family. I put her through so much.

Todays’ relapse was an uncontrolled nightmare. I had no control over my brain, my impulses. I would charge my phone a little, go in a private spot, watch porn, the phone would die. I did it again, charged it up, went to the bathroom, watched for a few minutes, dead again. 3 Times i did this this morning. All the alarms in my head, all the training, all the articles, podcasts, prayers, nothing. I was a Porn watching Zombie. Powerless to do anything, but be a slave to my deviant Greedy, unfaithful brain. Video after video after video. I’ve never in the flesh cheated on my wife, never flirted with another women, for 23 years. And yet, with porn, i’ve cheated with hundreds of people.

I just want to hate it. I need to hate it. It’s taken so much from me in so many ways. I’m typing all of this to start my accountability log. I’m going to post my progress. If you’ve read this much, thank you.

The opposite of addiction is connection. I will come on every single day. I should be telling my wife, but she thinks this Era is over and its not. I’m afraid of losing my family, to her looking at me like i’m a horrible husband (i am). Hiding has done nothing but strengthen my addiction. I’m sitting here at my desk, and my brain is just toast. I never want to feel this way again. And yet, if i dont do the work, i will.

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Good luck to you, ODAAT is all I have to offer you my friend. I’m with you :two_hearts:

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Ah friend, I am not that familiar with PMO but i do know how the addict mind works and how some urges can become uncontrollable if we let them fester. Grateful for your honesty and that you are putting in the efforts to gain control over your addictions and your life.

Here for you on your journey. Grateful for this accountability log - I do hope this and the other tools help you get a solid footing moving forward.

:people_hugging: :heart:

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Its not your dads fault.

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I don’t know, man. I don’t know the circumstances of the OPs backstory, but I still feel 8 year olds shouldn’t be exposed to heavy pornography. There is still some responsibility towards the children, as an adult that is.

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I am sorry you had a set back @SelfLove_42. It’s great and brave you came here and were open about it. PMO is not my addiction but I do know that being honest about it and starting anew is a great first step to build on. Have you thought about what might have triggered the relapse? Wishing you luck and keep moving one day at a time.

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I like your sentence The opposite of addiction is connection. I can’t fully comprehend what it is like to become a porn addict but I think I went thru something similar. I had a great ton of sex with someone in one chapter of my life, it was wild, free, crazy, you name it we tried it, or used it. It was insane. But it cost something, not only money but health and it was addictive = like activity as such and started to have depression, I drank a lot etc. So I quit the activity. I missed that a loooot,started to have depression but from the fact I missed the enjoyment, lust. Then I realized there are times when you need to tell yourself it’s about time to let it go. Like a wind blows your hat over a sea not returning back and you say, it was an experience, positive negative strong, but next chapter of my life is knocking on my door.

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Had another long phone call confession, this time with family (not my wife yet). It was theuraputic to have another accountability partner. The irony is this person also had a setback recently. So we got to compare notes to figure out what happened. I wonder how many issues i would have if i just had a dumb phone? Just an old school dumb phone. I dont know. Because of these 2 setbacks, i have to come up with some good consequences. I need to kill the selfish behavior and focus on my family .

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Consequences for today’s actions:

  1. Delete your favor TV viewing Apps.
    Done? Yes.

  2. 30 day gaming penalty.

  3. No football viewing this weekend.

Take the extra time to stop focusing on yourself and what you want. Put the phone away. Focus on my wife and my babies. Get the house together. Get the cleaning projects done. Take more time out to read with your kids. Get your recovery in in the evening also, with time spent on the kids. Get the phone away from you when you get home.

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I can relate. My disease has progressed so badly that I have to think about hurting myself in order to get a high bc porn does nothing for me anymore. Today is Day 14 for me with no acting out. I want to relapse today but instead I went to the gym and called my sponsor ! Together we get better!!

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We can! Getting to the gym is a critical part of our journey!
I dont even swim for the workout benefits. I swim for the neurological benefits. It’s such a reset for me and makes me far more mindful. It’s literally my sanctuary.

The Goal for me is to do the work every single day. To do nothing, to put nothing in my ear, for me is relapse activity. The war we struggle with, we have to take an very Offensive approach to win everyday. I made 2 confessions yesterday, and i gained a new accountability partner, who can prove to be a very valuable resource.
99% of my relapses are smart phone based.
I eliminated one completely, it’s now not moving from my desk going forward.
My other phone i eliminated all my ‘viewing’ apps, even my sports apps, i eliminated. I can’t just do the same thing and expect different results. Yesterday’s relapse, i was completely out of control. So today, we start a new.

I’m tracking My Recovery and giving myself points based on my behavior. I’m going to post my work from yesterday. Keep up the fight, i’m right there with you!

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Yesterday’s accountability Tracker:

Recovery activities:

  1. Confess my relapse - +2
  2. Listen to OG songs - +1
  3. Supplication to God - +1
  4. PFR radio podcast - +1
  5. TS check in +1
  6. Bible reading(meditation) +1
  7. Call my wife immediately after leaving work +1
  8. Laid out my PF plan +1
  9. All night, i kept the phone on the table, not in my pocket +1

Note This was after morning 8am relapse. Just to be transparent, i will also note my Relapse activity

  1. Take a phone to the bathroom -1
  2. Searching the ‘backdoor’ of my apps - 1
  3. looking a pnog - 3
  4. hiding messages - 1
  5. downloading reddit to any phone -1
  6. not putting spiritual things in my ear first thing - 1

Total Count:
Recovery activity post relapse score: +10
Relapse activity score: -8

Total Score for 11/14/23: +2

What that means: NO matter how bad the day started for me, i did not give up, i put the work in. I also went about completely changing my system for recovery. I gave myself something real to track every single day. I used @kevinskay System from 3 years ago. I’m going to use this measurable. The Goal every single day is to be in the positive every single day. I’m going to post my system next.

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Recovery tracking ideas:

  1. checking in with ap. +1
  2. text ap.
  3. TS check in. +1
  4. morning routine: swim = +1
  5. recovery literature +1
  6. The Gentle path through the 12 steps. - patrick karns
  7. meditation: bible reading. +1
  8. supplication to Jehovah +1
  9. PFR radio +1
  10. Afternoon after work swim =+1
  11. Honest point: Call your wife after work to let her know what your doing = +1
  12. Listening to a talk = +1
  13. Listening to OG Songs = +1
  14. Meeting prep for this week = +1
  15. Take a walk = +1
  16. Writing on the Gratitude list TS +1
  17. working on PF plan.+1
  18. All night, keep the phone on the table, not in your pocket. +1
  19. lifting Weights +1
  20. Reading Spiritual things/Watching vids with my kiddos +1

Relapse activity things to look for

  1. Edging today -1
  • click on any ad -1
  • double stare at ad -1
  1. click on click bait -1
  2. backdoor an app for the internet=-1
  3. prolonged fantasy w/out quick dismissal. -1
  4. Any over eating -1
  5. Phone in my pocket at home. -1
  6. Phone in a bathroom. -1
  7. work phone unprotected. -1
  8. lying -1
  • minimising anything
  1. Hiding
  • deleteing text messages = -1
  1. no recovery activity = -1
  2. Late night gaming - dopamine overload -1
  3. listening to a book with a sex scene and not leaving it or not skipping it. -1
  4. watching a show with inappropriate themes. -1
  5. Getting on youtube for any reason at work or home. -1
  6. Phone on your bedside - home. -1
  7. Phone in Ethan’s room at night. -1
  8. Day goes by without personal bible reading. -1
  9. in the youtube comment section. -1
  10. clicking on SS. -1
  11. Shaming myself
  • looking at myself in a mirror from the side. -1
  • pinching myself. -1
  1. Making fun of myself -1
  2. Guilting myself -1
  3. clicking on a picture of someone to get a better look. -1
  4. Not supplicating Jehovah daily. -1
  5. Deleting my locks. -1
  6. Dismissing my wife’s words without listening -1
  7. Displaying a lack of patience with my kids -1

This isn’t just about recovery. The ultimate goal: Change the man i am on the inside. To kill the Greedy/Covetous/Lying/secretive version of myself. To Hate pornography and anything closely resembling it. Making the inside tranformation of being a loving, faithful in my heart husband. Patient father. Non Hypocritical servant of Jehovah.

Consistency is the Aim.

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I feel your pain.

I felt like this too, using my addiction to make me “feel better” in those moments. It allowed me to pretend I was someone I wasn’t, feeling accepted by others for presenting a side of me that was so not myself. That acceptance was for a fake version of myself,… That in itself was a mirage… A deceitful thought that I worked so hard to believe in.

I believe that confessing is one of the vital keys to sobriety, however I do feel that more harm can be done in those confessions if done incorrectly or if over-sharing occurs.

When I encountered experiences or situations like this I shared with my counselor instead. It helped me to release the grip of shame and guilt by taking away it’s power over me.

I hope that you can find the key to unlock the cell this feeling of shame and guilt has over you.

Sobriety is like a rollercoaster. We have highs (good days) and downs (bad days), relapses tend to occur but as we grow and learn from them, they should lessen. The end goal is obviously equip ourselves to use healthy supports, resources, tools, connections to make those moments dissipate.

You are only human, no matter what handle you go by.

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You definitely struck a nerve with this.
Pretending i’m someone that i’m not, trying to get acceptance from others, that runs deep with me. So i’ve always struggled with Self Esteem issues, for most of my life. I have layers of insecurity i’m still unpeeling to this day. Growing up a fat kid trying to get others approval, to getting exposed to porn at 7/8, i feel like my growth as a person was stunted from the beginning. People would pinch my chest, my cheeks, my stomach, call me fat. Another layer. Still look at myself and sometimes where ‘compression’ fit to make myself look smaller, to this day. Trying to hide my addiction for so many years, confessing, relapsing, confessiong, relapse, on and on. I probably should have seen a therapist decades ago.

I used to confess/over share with my wife and i had to stop that. It was seriously affecting my marriage. So i stopped, i have accountability partners now that i trust/love that know me to the core. That’s why today i feel lighter than usual. Typically up to a week after a relapse, i have some depressed thoughts i deal with, the shame/guilt destroy me. Those confessions allowed me to unload my baggage.

That’s what i have now. I have day to day tools/resources/connections that are real and now i feel like i have a better direction of what my day to day needs to look like. I have real consequences for my setback, and i dont want to keep going down this road forever. Your right: i’m only human, i’m fighting hard to overcome this.

I found out later in life that my mother also struggled with addiction for decades. My sisters knew, i did not. So both sides are heavy addicts. And yet, it doesn’t define them, like it doesn’t define. Just a thorn in my side i have to deal with. I really appreciate your post!

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Today’s daily Tracker: Recovery vs Relapse behavior

  1. Spiritual food in my ear when i wake up +1
  2. TS check in +1
  3. Bible Reading +1
  4. went to youtube -1
  5. went to make a comment -1.
  6. PFR #137 - 5 MINUTE SELF CARE HABITS +1
  7. 5 minute self care - deep breathing habits +1
  8. Had a fantasy i couldn’t stop -1
  9. Body Checking -1
  10. amazon ad scrolling with looking for flesh -1
  11. phone in boys room -1
  12. show videos with boys +1
  13. pray with boys +1

Total Score: +1.

Couldnt stop this Fantasy last night. My brain just kept going there, over and over. Getting more excited by the minute. Can’t just wait, have to always QUICKER GO ON THE OFFENSIVE. I immediately put on headphones and sleep music. That seemed to do the trick and i went to sleep.
That +1 score underscores how much i’m at war with myself everyday. The negative body image issues, self esteem issues, porn issues, trying to counter my negativity, my selfish behavior, it’s a day to day battle.

I’m starting today with the focus on Gratitude.

Gratitude is more than a feeling, it’s a mindset. It’s my disposition. And it’s Choice.

  • Gratitude Nullifies negativity
  • Gratitude Radiates Hope.
  • Gratitude frees me from the prison of self pre-occupation.
  • I’m never more than one grateful thought away from greater peace of mind and greater peace of heart.

Do not lose your appreciation for what you have in life.

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You nailed it! Gratitude is so important. One so we appreciate all that we have and also cause our brain switches from the area of addiction to focus o n Gratitude…you cant focus on both at the same time.

Glad the ear buds and music helped shut off the thoughts. Have you tried a meditation with words? That way you have to ficis on words ad well as the sound as you drift off. It helps me shut off my mind.

I appreciate your tracker and want you to know how well you are doing :people_hugging:

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Thank you @JazzyS , you are as always, very sweet. Yea last night i got triggered by i dont know what, maybe a random thought, and it was immediately a inner war, i need to act a little faster with the headphones. I put my boys to bed, cleaned up the house, go in bed with the wife, and my brain just started racing. I think from an intimate standpoint, as my wife has been recovering from surgery, i dont ever push it in that category, but there hasn’t been activity. Sometimes my selflish entitled brain tries to force the issue internally with fantasy or clicking on things. That’s why i have to constantly fight that behavior. I have so many tools/tricks, but if i dont put the work in daily, i have enough data over the course of 20 years +, i will act out. So yea, i’m trying to change the man i am on the inside, not just go porn free. Daily Gratitude reminders are everything. Those quotes are all from an encouraging Talk i listened to.

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Glad to hear it helped even just a little.

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I know how the brain can manipulate and also make you feel FOMO for the silliest things (they aren’t actually silly but in the grand scheme of things … maybe they are ? :thinking: ) I am talking in reference to my addictions and don’t know if that would apply for you.

I have been told by friends that PMO is a different phycological battle. I am sorry that i don’t know much more about it but i do want you to know that i am here for you on your journey in whatever way i can offer support.

I just want to say that i see the effort you are putting in to become a better person and overcome your addiction. Keep doing what you are doing. Reach out to us if you find yourself having a rough time. :people_hugging:

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