Estrangement From Isolation

[1in8billion]

Hi guys, little bit of background: a year ago I had a nervous breakdown, my ignored addictions and unresolved ptsd from childhood trauma finally catapulted me into depression depths I hadn’t been before and there seemed no escape. I’d quit my job, cut contact with all friends and contacts (even ignoring family for a while), and went into a cycle of self-sabotage through binging my addictions, totally isolating myself and generally being lost. I’d always hoped to emerge from this a ‘better’ me somehow after ‘finding myself’, at which point I’d re-approach my friends etc and everything would turn out fine after then. But that powerful hope I held, nonetheless procrastinated into almost a year of loneliness by now. Several months ago I finally started making some gains in my resolve, last quitting 18 days ago now. Although I feel relatively confidently on track sobriety-wise, I feel eerily alienated from all the isolation. I don’t quite let myself go like before, and maturely focussing upon my growth is a true morale-boost of its own, but that doesn’t change the fact that I often feel quite intense anxiety, estrangement and detachment from my surroundings now somehow (like an observer, strange and not quite myself). I don’t feel natural in most social interactions anymore, as if I have to fake most of them because I’ve forgotten what connection is. All it does is throw life lines to my irrational defense-mechanism. And it feels like life in general isn’t easy to genuinely stimulate me as much anymore, shared fun is double fun after all… But it’s not all gloom - at least I’m finally clean again, feeling surprisingly good, back in touch at least with family and gradually overcoming my avoidance of social exposure with the insight of how important it actually is. I’ll be moving accommodation soon, after which I immediately plan to join some clubs of interest and find a job before hopefully starting studying asap. I’ve already written what I want to send my (former) friends to try to make it up to them and catch up if they’re still happy to… One major step I maybe even look forward to is finally seeing a psychologist in 3 weeks for the first time, as I don’t want to downplay my psychological state like before. Hello honesty. I know as a 100% fact I want out of my history of failure. No more, I’m on a mission… We only have one invaluable life, and I’m increasingly aware of that…!

Anyone with any experience and/or advice on this subject would be much appreciated!

Thanks for taking the time to read this if you did.

[Alisa]

You seem to have a good grasp on where you have been, where you are and where you hope to go. You have a will to go forward. As you say, you are on a mission. This is all good and please commend yourself. The world is strange right now, more so for some than others, who knows what your friends have been through either. To be social in a group you were used to using a DOC in may take you a little getting used to. Be honest with them and with yourself. You have done a lot. Be yourself, if you feel too anxious, then leave for awhile and do something else. Have some things that you enjoy and that you like to do that you can fall back on and reach for when you need some self-care, centering. ODAAT I think you are doing great!

[1in8billion]

Thanks for that Alisa!

[Noshame]

Heyy

I’ve had social anxiety for much of my young adult hood

For me , learning how to listen was the first thing I learned
Then I used my opinion to start a convo
Then I used empathy to relate
If you don’t know what to say such as a question your asked, just be hounest and tell them you don’t know or your not sure.
Forssing convo is difficult
Instead have fun with the convo
Have fun socializing

Fear was tough for me to overcome
You don’t need to be scared of anyone response and if some ever responds negativly to you, that is just their option. No1 should be negative to anyone

Learn how to speak your opinion
And use empathy
And have fun

[siand]

I don’t have the social anxiety bit but have done the whole quit work and letting things go process in the last year.

Some background - I quit drinking in March 2018, struggled with depression quite intensely through 2019 and 2020 and took the decision to quit my job in September 2020, originally with the intention of starting my own business but actually ended up taking the time to focus on my mental health as I was spiralling. I started some CBT in October 2020 and finished it around March this year. Also went onto a new antidepressant around that time which has been a game changer.

While in some ways I wish I had tried a different lot of medication earlier, I really learned a lot about myself and my neuroses in those couple of years. The big one for me is how I used my ‘achievements’ to define myself of sense worth. Like I had to be doing this awesome job, hobbies, voluntary things, living to a certain moral standard… All of a sudden when I wasn’t able to do all this stuff I was left with this huge uncertainty about myself and my place in the world. It forced me to ask myself, who am I without all this stuff?

It took me a long time to really believe the answer that I am a human being, like everyone else, deserving of peace and compassion. No more or less. Just being alive gives me that, as it does for everyone. I wonder if I’d found a medication that worked for me straight away if I’d have come to the same conclusion, or if I’d had just gone straight back into my old patterns which I now consider to be unhealthy.

I can very much relate to having the idea of expecting things to be better after x amount of time, or once xyz has been done. Being part of the recovery community for a while, yoga and Buddhist practices and principles have helped me to look at this differently (although am not currently practising yoga or meditation regularly). There is suffering in life, and the situations we find ourselves in are impermanent. There will be times of happiness and sadness, effort and ease. Accepting this helps ease the suffering of the hard times and enjoy the good ones without becoming overly attached to them. I still have work to do on that front!

Earlier this year, I was worrying about being off work and thinking I should try and push myself to get back to it sooner rather than later. I spoke to someone who had recently started work after some time off and she said she wished she had taken a bit of extra time. I’m glad I did - after feeling really ready and motivated I had another dip.

I am now looking at starting a job that’s two days a week. I may be moving house. Those are two big things (compared to where I am now, rather than where I have been before) and I am going to try and focus on building these changes into my life, rather than throwing myself into a million interesting and exciting things while I am feeling motivated - a pattern I am all too familiar with, as well as the inevitable overwhelm, burnout and everything that follows.

I feel like I could say more but this has already turned into a very long response! TLDR: patience and compassion friend, things will change

[1in8billion]

Wow thanks for your insightful reply @H123! I can relate a lot with the emotionally abusive parents taking things to the extreme and wanting total control, and much of your post in fact, thanks for this!

[1in8billion]

Really grateful for your extensive post here @siand!! I found this very insightful and helpful, for example using achievement as a self-worth measurement… I’m also interested in yoga and buddhism and it may actually have been a very important step in my initial recovery. I don’t mind large posts at all btw, thanks for this!

[1in8billion]

Cheers for your post @Noshame!