I took a call last night from a drunk friend. I was also intoxicated, unfortunately. (Today is Day #1). The intoxicated friend proceeded to tell me again all the mistakes I made with my youngest sons father prior to his death in 2013, from bladder cancer and cirrhosis of the liver, he was 49. How i should have done this and I should have done that. Most of this pertains to my son, who was 5 at the time of his fathers death. Father was not on birth certificate and yes, I made two attempts to ask my ex and his family to help me resolve this before my ex passed. He was diagnosed and gone in 3 months. He was very sick and his family stopped me at the curb when taking my son for a visit and instructed me i was not to mention that he was terminal and didn’t have very long left. Some how they managed to keep this information from a dying man. I respected their wishes. But, I’ve continued to be made the bad person in this situation because i was trying to do what was best for my son. I did finally get my ex’s name on the birth certificate. It took me paying two lawyers and 4 years of fighting. This could have been resolved with a simple signature prior to his death, but nobody cared that a 5 yr old boy was fixing to grow up fatherless. My ex had a disease call alcoholism and it wasn’t my sons fault. My ex was also an abusive drunk. I felt really guilty for many years that it was my fault he died because I wished and prayed him dead often. His brother is a Southern Baptist preacher and his mother attends the her sons church. I went to the funeral service put on by the brother and my exs ashes were still in the cardborbox from the mortuary. The family spoke ill of him because he was an alcoholic , and the brother stood at podium and said, “Scott got saved two weeks before his death and died a good man.” But, according to them he wasn’t good before he was saved. They even mocked me and spoke of fights my ex and I had at a bar while intoxicated, at the funeral in front of the all. Thankfully i was smart enough to not take my 5 yr to this funeral. I sat quietly until it was over, then i ran for the door at the end. I was on the religious fence before this all occurred and i left that church an Atheist. I respect others beliefs, but it doesn’t work for me.
Not only did me ex physically abuse me, his family did as well, and this was one instance of many. I was also made to drive drunk after my ex beat me in the bathroom of his mothers house one holiday evening. She blamed everything on me and demanded I leave immediately. This was before rideshare.
I have harbored all of these feelings for a long time. I have tried to drink them away, and it doesn’t work. I don’t want further association with the friend who called me last night, he has been blocked, he is not my friend.
I have an assessment on 9/28 for outpatient treatment. I broke down at work a couple weeks ago and asked for help, because my insurance doesn’t cover behavioral health and I cant afford it. They are helping me. I just want to be done with all of this. I want a normal life. Last night was my last straw, I can’t live like this anymore. My kids and i deserve better.
Thanks for letting me vent!
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