This happens to me from time to time but yesterday as I was getting my hair done, I thought to myself:
I’m going to die and there’s nothing I can do about it.
That’s when the panic set it. For as long as I’ve battled with depression and suicial thoughts, yesterday I realized just how much I want to live. The hard part is how do I come to terms with the inevitable as a person who isn’t convinced of an after life? I want to believe that there’s a point to all of this but it’s the not knowing that’s freaking me the f*ck out right now.
I just feel like I’m running out of time to figure it all out.
I struggle with this a lot. Usually, the thought comes up in the middle of the night and it gives me a jolt of adrenaline and goodbye sleep!
At times, you may feel life is meaningless, but that doesn’t mean it’s void of joy. Finding joy while you’re here is gives your life meaning, it gives you purpose.
When I am feeling down and I feel like there is no greater meaning, I try to give it meaning, if only just a little. I try to make a stranger smile. I try make a friend laugh. I try to be a better denizen when I go to sleep than I was when I woke up. It makes me feel better that, even though I am an insignificant mound of biological pudding hurtling through space on a rock, at least I made a positive impact on someone else’s life, even if it was as equally insignificant as I am. Those little acts add up.
Yeah, we will die, so let’s enjoy the ride! After all, it’s all we can do.
When I was depressed and suicidal I had something similar. It’s human to want to hold onto something to make sure it gets better, but we can’t see into the future. All we can do is recover because there is a very beautiful life beyond misery. For some, that is therapy to give certain things a place for others to look for alternatives to negative, negative thoughts. It starts small and at a certain point you see that there are many beautiful things in very small things. Then you know you’re on the right track!
I’ve been considering medication for a long time I’ve just been scared of the side effects. I’ll definitely have to do some research. I’m sure something has to stick. Thank you for sharing with me
I had really bad suicidal thoughts towards the end of my active alcoholism. It got to the point, however, that my health started to really decline, my hangover had turned into alcohol withdrawals. At times it felt like I was dying, and it was in these moments that I realized, that I didn’t want to die, I just really hated the situation I was in. I hated the fact that I was an Alcoholic and that I could not for the life of me change. It wasn’t until I realized that I would become a whole new person, someone who has to work everyday to battle my depression and alcoholism (craving and thoughts) that I was able to make a change. The thought of death also crosses my mind, like you said, it is inevitable. In these moments it’s good remember to live in the moment. We can’t control or stop the fact that we’re one day gonna die, but we can sure as hell make our time here on earth worthwhile. Finding hobbies, being of service to other, discovering yourself, and finding what you want be and do with your life can be a very beautiful journey. Don’t think so much about the end, focus more in the now, and about the journey. I’m not really one that believes we all have a pre-destined purpose, through our lives we get to choose and pick what we want our purpose to be, that’s the beauty of the human experience. I like to think about legacy. How will you be remembered when you pass on to the next life? How did you affect those around you. I’m sure we’ve all done things we regret while in active addiction, but now we have the chance to do good. Everyday is a chance to better yourself, to help someone in need. Hope this helps. Take it one day at time. You got this
I hear you. Learning to live with the knowledge that all this ends can be a huge turning point or awakening in our lives. Some folks never have that moment. Others can fall down the rabbit hole of it. For myself, when I was a much younger person, my first husband attempted to kill me and then decided to take his own life. It was a pivotal moment in my life and woke me up to the reality that each moment we have is a gift. That this moment right now is truly the only one we have. There is zero guarantee of tomorrow. While some may find that depressing or a reason to ‘live it up while you can’…I think we all know that that type of ‘living it up’ is really hiding from life and all its complexities.
Back then I found a good deal of comfort in Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s book, On Death and Dying. I also found healing in reading The Tibetan Book of the Dead. And oddly enough Jonathan Livingston Seagull kept me sane for awhile. So did Pilgrim at Tinker’s Creek. That was long ago and my reading list reflects that.
Now I find comfort from Pema Chodron, Sharon Salzburg and Thich Nhat Hahn.
Staying in the present. Being in this moment. It keeps me sober (one day at a time) and present (be here, now).
Yes, we can ponder existence and lament the fact that every thing that lives will also die…we can also ponder existence and rejoice for this beautiful moment of life. Do we figure it all out? I don’t think we ever do. Do we need to? I don’t think so.
For myself, I find comfort, solace and inspiration in being here…reading your thoughtful question and answering (which serves me as much as you …likely more)…I find meaning in speaking with my elderly parents or my grandson or a friend…in planting daffodils and watching them grow…in running and feeling my body get stronger…in watching butterflies and seeing rainbows and making fairy houses…in listening to my cranky ass friend bitch about whatever…I find meaning in giving back…leaving a book at the library or giving freely in our local buy nothing / sell nothing group…in making a quick text to a friend who is down…volunteering where I can…picking up trash on a walk…smiling at my neighbors…and on and on.
Sure thing sometimes life is dull and lifeless and I am stuck in the mire. I have had years there. Right this moment I am so damn happy to be alive and to be answering your post. The time is now.
