Expectations of the OTHER person

Advice & Questions
, ,
1

My main question is, what is the “normal” expectation of the other person. …Should I too abstain from drinking? Ive tried to research suggestions, but no posts are really in the same position.

The background, my husband and I have been married for almost 15 years. I love him, he loves me, we are great. We’ve made a great life for ourselves. We are NOT big drinkers to begin with. We have a weekly date night, and would sit quietly at a bar, have dinner and have a drink…Maybe even 2, and share a dessert. This was the only time we would have a drink (and dessert) throughout the week (other than on vacations). It’s a little time to go “crazy” and splurge.

I am a stay at home mom, I homeschool my kids, I do not get out for adult time at all, and that’s okay because I am an extreme introvert. The Sunday date night is the extent of my weekly “excitement”. So it was a time I looked forward to, a relaxing 2 hours having a quiet date night, catching up on the week and plans for the next week.

Recently my husband has made the decision to abstain from alcohol. And that’s great for him. But Im not enjoying that it’s always being brought up. Like its being thrown in my face, he mentions it randomly, even in texts. When someone says something about it, like the bartender when he asks if he wants the usual…“my wife doesnt want me to drink” …it’s not funny. I asked him if he expected me to stop too, he said “no, you dont have to”. But I feel like Im being judged by him, and others. I feel strange sitting at our usual quiet date night bar and me having a drink while he’s sitting there drinking water (we arent even soda drinkers). While it’s only one night a week, and not enough to be intoxicated, I feel like it’s a big change…a time I really enjoy together, having adult time.

Maybe Im romantacizing it. But it was like a treat at the end of the week. Ive read other posts and suggesting doing something different, going bowling, going to activities, seeing a movie…and those are wonderful ideas. However, after crazy days and weeks with kiddos 24/7, and doing activities with them I want to just stop, relax and talk with the husband I love, maybe chit chat with other locals like an adult.

So my question is, what is your expectation of the other person? Is it for them to stop too? Is it to just be supportive and suck it up even though the changes impact both parties? Is it to not sit at the bar and sit at a table instead? I want to be supportive, but Im torn. Do I need that one drink a week, No. Do I want it, yes. Do I feel judged by him and others while I have my drink and he orders a water, Yes.

If I made the choice to abstain, live a sober lifestyle. I want it to be for me, not because someone pressured me into doing it, but I feel like there’s a tension there when I place my order. Anyone have suggestions either perspective? Thanks!

5 Likes
2

Maybe he struggles with it more than you know and he’s just proud of what he’s doing??? I guess I’m not there to hear the tone of the conversation or messages but it seems like you may be reading into it too much.

I think you should have a serious conversation with him. My wife still occasionally has a drink, it’s her life to live…

1 Like
3

I feel like you feeling judged is precisely that: your feeling. That you need to inquire into and make sense of. I don’t see your husband asking or pressuring you to change at all in your above account. Apart from the lame joke he’s making w the bartender. That would get on my tits too lol.

No one’s trying to take away your date night or saying you can’t have your drink, from what I can read. You feel tension, ask yourself why. You feel strange if he orders water. Why? Etc.
Good luck!

1 Like
4

When I quit drinking I never asked my SO to quit. He did tell me that he felt similarly to you- that I was judging him for ordering a drink when we went out. I never did and I still don’t.
We sit at a table and not the bar but we never really sat at the bar for dinner. Sometimes we sit at a table close to the bar if that’s what the restaurant has open. It doesn’t bother me to sit there but I have no reason or want to sit at the bar itself.

This may be from you. Maybe he isn’t thinking about it. Or maybe there really is tension. Either way I think you should bring your feelings up to your husband. You won’t know how he feels until y’all talk.

6

Hey there, welcome!! It is certainly a big adjustment for both partners when one stops drinking. Especially in the early days, weeks, months and years. Not every couple sits down and really discusses it and how it affects them and makes them feel right off and those are important discussions to have…but sometimes taking the conversations slowly is important as well.

Your husband, like most of us, may be in a cranky, not feeling great early stage of sobriety. He may not fully understand or be able to articulate what he wants and needs from you right now and that’s okay. It is normal for you to feel cranky as well, his not drinking does affect you as well. It took my husband a good long while to really understand how awful drinking made me feel, how important sobriety was to me and that I wasn’t judging him. I didn’t have the energy or desire to judge anyone else’s drinking…all my energy went into not having a drink right now.

It does get easier, for him and hopefully for you, but it is a big transition and change for you both and you both need to respect where the other is at IMHO.

There is no good guy and bad guy here…just two people who began their journey together living one way and now a change has come. As is the case in marriage, there will be changes and challenges. Talking our way thru them, is needed, even tho it is hard.

Practically speaking, it would be a show of understanding and kindness to sit at a table versus a bar with a person in early sobriety. My husband didn’t know that, so I had to ask him. I also asked him not to open big discussions with me when he had had a drink or two and he respects that. We also don’t have sex if he has been drinking that night.

Idk if any of this is helpful for you. I hope it is. I do know it was really important for both my self and my husband to offer each other some grace in early sobriety. He lost his drinking buddy, he had to get used to a new, often out of sorts, wife and our usual routines changed. I had to learn to control what I could…whether or not I drank. It is a lot for any marriage.

Hopefully you two can have some gentle and honest conversations about expectations, feelings, etc. Wishing you both all the best for this new path in your marriage. :people_hugging::heart::people_hugging:

1 Like
7

I can guarantee you that not a single person in the bar/restaurant even notices what either of you are drinking, nor do they care. Yes, that includes the bartender, who sees dozens of people every day.

I agree with a lot of the advice already given. I think that sitting at a table might be a small transition/change that you can do, but you don’t have to stop drinking necessarily. People with an addiction to substances have different body chemistry that makes it so that we can’t really moderate or “just have one,” and it affects us differently than others, physically/mentally/emotionally. It’s why we’re addicts. Based on your post, it doesn’t sound like that’s a problem that you have, but it’s entirely possible that your husband has been fighting a secret battle for a while. The only way to know for sure is to have an open dialogue with him.

In my experience and based on posts I’ve read, as long as you’re not pressuring us to break our sobriety, we don’t care if you drink. Like Sassy said, we’re putting all of our energy into not drinking ourselves, there’s no space left to judge other people.

I think the best thing that you can do is sit down and have this conversation with your husband, to get his perspective and share your own. And definitely let him know how much that little “joke” he tells bothers you. I’m not even there and I’m uncomfortable with it, lol. He doesn’t need to justify or explain not drinking to other people, especially to bartenders or waiters, who don’t care as long as somebody is paying something.

Best of luck and I hope you two can open up a healthy dialogue.

1 Like
8

Thank you everyone for your perspective and thoughts. I do think there is a little bit of everything going on. I think he is proud, but not totally comfortable coming out that he is no longer drinking in public. I do believe I could be reading into the tension/judgement a little, and that he is not exactly happy with his decision.

The feelings of judgment came from ordering a drink last night came from the dart of the eyes, and when the bartender walked away, my husband said “you didnt want a water??” … I didnt think it was a big deal but the more i thought about the question, the more I questioned… does he want me to stop too? Is that normally expected?

At this point when we try to talk, instead of discussing feelings, it’s still in the stage of letting me know the benefits, which i do not disagree with. Im also not saying he is trying to talk me into abstaining, but thats the kind of how/what it feels like. Since I havent heard his exact feelings on if he is looking for me to not drink when we go out, and his tone of “no, you dont have to” when i asked him if he wanted me to stop, was more like a “no, but id prefer you did”. I was wondering what others look for/expect, if anything from your SO so i can get an idea. Also him bringing it up in random conversations throughout the week, maybe it is him just continuously putting it out into the universe.

We are not arguing, and there is no turmoil or angry feelings…Im happy he is making these choices for himself. Our life doesnt revolve around Sunday nights, its just a big change. Definitely no good guy vs bad guy situation. I want to do whats right, but dont know what “normal” (if there is such a thing) is, and to be supportive the best I can with the very little he’s told me.

P.S. he does have an addictive personality, which is why WE did stop drinking during week days and Saturdays. Maybe there’s something more he’s battling. Im just not sure.

4 Likes
9

Welcome Stayathome
Al-anon was great for me during my sobriety when my wife was still drinking. I learned so much about controlling other people. You can’t. And mostly about myself.

I Also learned. Expectations only lead to resentments.

IMG_2931
IMG_29311387×1102 246 KB

Oh and QTIP was a big one for me
Quit
Taking
It
Personally

:pray:t2::heart:

10

I always TRY to live by that quote and often remind others the same thing. I totally agree with you.

1 Like
11

I went to Al-Anon meetings before I went to AA for my recovery. It’s a great program for people who have lived ones and for people in recovery. He might benefit from Al-Anon. Only if he’s willing though.

1 Like
12

Im just not sure he’d even be willing. I’d be more willing at this point. And thats no problem, i cant fight his battles. I am at peace with that.

1 Like